Category: Relationships & Dating

Should you break up with your partner? Or are you just going through a rough patch?

Every relationship has its issues. But while disagreements are normal, there are some problems that may make you question the future of your relationship.

In this article, we look at some of the ways to work through your problems, and some signs it might be time to let go.

When to break up

Every relationship is different, and only you know what’s best for you. These are just some signs your relationship may not be healthy.

Your partner is abusive

Abuse – whether it’s physical, emotional, financial, or other – is never OK. If your partner is hurting you, controlling you, manipulating you, or making you feel bad about yourself, you may want to talk to trusted friends or family members about ways you can exit the relationship safely.

You’re hiding them from your loved ones

If you’ve been with your partner for a while and you’re hesitant to introduce them to your friends and family, this could be a red flag worth paying attention to.

Someone has cheated

Research shows unfaithfulness is one of the main reasons couples break up. An infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship. But cheating can have serious and long-lasting impacts if you can’t rebuild the trust you once had, leaving one or both partners feeling resentful and unhappy.

You’re not yourself around them

If you’re conscious of how you act around your partner, you probably won’t be happy in the long run. Signs you’re not comfortable to be your full self around your partner might include monitoring the things you say around them, tiptoeing or hiding things from them, pretending to like things you don’t and pretending not to like things you do, and worrying they’ll judge you.

You can’t communicate

They say communication is key in a healthy relationship, and silence is never golden. Maybe you avoid confrontation and sweep it under the rug, or you give each other the silent treatment when you’re unhappy. If you have poor communication and don’t talk things through in a respectful way, you may never find solutions for your problems.

You’ve been trying to make things work for a long time

Finally, if you’ve been unhappy in your relationship and thinking about ending things for a while, it might be time to seriously consider your options.

How to get through a rough patch

No relationship is all good all the time. Even the happiest and healthiest couples run into some rough patches now and then. The good news is, you can make it through – and sometimes, you can even come out stronger than ever.

Talk about your issues

Neither of you can read minds, so don’t expect your partner to know how you feel and what you want them to do. If safe to do so, bring up your concerns with your partner when you have some alone time together. Tell them what’s upsetting you, and be clear about what you’d like to happen. Avoid name-calling and finger-pointing.

For example, instead of: “You never have time for me. You’re always with your friends”, you might say: “I value our quality time together. I’d like it if we had a date night every week.”

Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden explains how to have a healthy argument and things to avoid when confronting your partner in this article.

Try relationship counselling

If you find it difficult to communicate with your partner, or you seem to be having the same argument over and over again, it might be time to consider seeing a professional.

RAQ provides confidential relationship counselling in a relaxed and supportive environment. Our trained counsellors can work with you to find ways to manage your situation more effectively.

If you need some extra support, you can book individual counselling our couples counselling on 1300 364 277.

Got a case of the green-eyed monster? Jealousy in a relationship can present itself as a cocktail of irrational and destructive thoughts that leave us feeling insecure, paranoid, and even angry. You might worry you’re not good enough, or that your partner will find happiness with someone else.

While jealousy is a normal emotion, it can be toxic and damaging if it shapes the way we feel about ourselves and the world.

We hope these tips help if you’re struggling with jealousy and insecurities in your relationship.

Recognise and Challenge Negative Thoughts

Next time you’re overcome by feelings of jealousy, take a breath and acknowledge the thought that triggered these feelings. Is there evidence behind this thought, or is your mind playing tricks on you?

Challenge irrational thoughts and replace them with more realistic ones. For example, you might be worried that your partner is on a night out without you, and might meet someone else. Ask yourself if your partner has done or said anything to make you feel like they’d betray your trust. If not, remind yourself that your partner loves and respects you, and hasn’t broken your trust in the past.

When we acknowledge that we’re feeling jealous, we take away some of that jealousy’s power. We also create an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and grow.

Work on Yourself

Everyone gets jealous now and then, but if you’re in a secure and solid relationship and jealousy is still a problem for you, it might be a sign of low self-esteem.

Reflect on yourself and your past experiences to determine why you might be feeling this way without provocation from your partner. Maybe you’ve been hurt by partners in the past. Maybe you’re not confident in yourself and what you have to offer. Or maybe you have a habit of comparing yourself to unrealistic standards on social media.

Addressing the real problem can help you improve your self-esteem and stop projecting your insecurities onto your relationship.

Build Your Own Life

It’s not healthy to rely on your partner for fulfilment. To avoid being dependent on your partner and overly invested in how they’re spending their time, try to build interests and an identity outside your partner and your relationship.

Fill your time with the things you enjoy. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Your partner can’t be responsible for your happiness – that can only come from you. And when you’re happy with who you are and what you have going on in your own life, you’ll likely be more comfortable with your partner doing their own thing, too.

Communicate with Your Partner

Never assume your partner knows how you feel or what you need. Be honest and open about how you’re feeling, and where possible, clearly express the triggers or behaviours that lead to your feelings of jealousy. This will allow them to consider how they might be contributing to the problem, and how they can modify their actions to support you to feel secure.

If you’d like some support addressing issues around jealousy and self-esteem, our experienced counsellors can help. We also provide relationship counselling to help you and your partner find ways to manage your situation effectively. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

Learn how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships here.

Boundaries are crucial for protecting our mental and emotional wellbeing and maintaining healthy, lasting relationships.

Personal boundaries can help you build a strong identity, self-esteem, and independence. If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of or you’re walking on eggshells in your relationships, it might be a sign that you need to establish boundaries.

Learn how to create boundaries with your partner, friends, and family with these steps.

Identify Your Boundaries

Take some time to reflect on your needs and determine the boundaries you would like to strengthen. Your boundaries should be focused around your own values, identity, and feelings.

They should ensure you take responsibility for your own behaviour and feelings, and aren’t responsible for those of others.

Some examples of healthy boundaries might include:

• Protecting your time and not overcommitting to things
• Saying no to things you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do
• Asking for space when it’s needed
• Speaking up if you’re uncomfortable with how someone is treating you
• Not being responsible for someone else’s happiness, actions, or emotions
• Having the ability to make your own decisions.

Some examples of unhealthy boundaries might include:

• Telling someone who they can and can’t speak to or spend time with
• Expecting someone to drop what they’re doing to suit you
• Expecting others to “fix” or “save” you
• Blaming others for your actions and behaviours
• Making threats or ultimatums (e.g. “If you go out with your friends tonight, you’ll never see me again”)
• Relying on others’ approval/love for your happiness.

Communicate Your Needs

No matter how long you’ve known your partner, friend, or family member, they likely aren’t going to intuitively know and act on your needs and wants. It’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly, honestly, and respectfully to ensure you’re on the same page of what’s acceptable in your relationship.

Keep it short and simple. For example:

• “I like to have notice before people come over. Please text or call to see if it suits me first.”
• “I need some time and space to relax at night. Please don’t call me after 7pm.”
• “I like to catch up with my friends without interruptions. I won’t be available to reply to your texts while I spend time with them.”
• “I know the event this weekend is important to you, but I’m not available/don’t have the money/not interested.”
• “Don’t go through my phone/emails. That’s a violation of my privacy, and I need you to stop.”
• “Give me a day to get back to you. I don’t like committing to things on the spot.”

It’s a two-way street, so don’t forget to ask them what their needs are, too. Never assume you know what they’re thinking or feeling.

Be Consistent

Setting boundaries is one thing, but following through is another. Be consistent with your boundaries, and speak up when they’re not being respected. Sure, two people can’t 100% accommodate each other all the time. But it’s important to communicate when a boundary has been violated to reinforce how important it is to you.

Otherwise, you might find yourself compromising on your needs and values a little too much, and your partner/friend/family member might find it easier and easier to make excuses for overstepping your boundaries.

If they make a habit of ignoring your boundaries even after you’ve reminded them, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

RAQ offers counselling for individuals, couples, and families dealing with a wide range of issues. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

Having a hard time navigating conflict with your partner? Learn how to have a healthy argument in our article How to Fight Fair in a Relationship.

Remember the early days of dating when conversation sparked like fireworks across the restaurant table? You’d spend hours on the phone getting to know each other and talking about everything profound, trivial, and in between.

Now phone calls are transactional, and ‘sweet nothings’ have been replaced by reminders to get milk.

While you may be mourning the heart-to-hearts and endless banter you shared when you were falling in love, what you’re experiencing isn’t abnormal. And the fact you’re no longer conversing with the frequency and curiosity you once did doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Silence doesn’t always reflect tension, disconnection, or a loss of romance. A lot of the time, it can be blamed on good old-fashioned comfort or complacency.

If you’re looking to boost the back-and-forth between yourself and your partner, these tips might help.

Ask the Right Questions

If the go-to “How was your day?” isn’t yielding results beyond an unenthusiastic one-word answer, it might be time to try something new.

Try replacing basic ‘throwaway’ questions with more intentional and specific open-ended questions that get your partner thinking and excited to share. For example, instead of “How was your day?”, you could try “What was the highlight of your day?” or “What are you excited about at work at the moment?”.

Use your questions to focus on the positives. If you ask about the negatives, your partner may be more likely to give short answers or shut down.

Try New Things Together

If you feel like you have nothing to talk about in your relationship, why not do something new worth talking about? Shared experiences and hobbies are a great way to bond and create new topics of conversation.

You could discover some hiking trails, join a tennis club, try some new recipes, or replace TV time with board games once a week. Or you could get excited over a shared long-term project, such as renovating the house or planning an overseas trip for the future.

Finding shared interests can keep things fresh when the same-old conversation topics are getting stale.

Socialise in a Group

Let’s face it – when you live with someone long enough, it can be a struggle to come up with new and interesting things to say every day. Hanging out with another couple or group of friends can take the pressure off you to start a conversation with each other, and provide new perspectives and experiences.

Plus, it’ll give you something to talk about later. “Did you see John’s new dog?” “Yes – let’s adopt one!” Everyone’s a winner.

Do a Questionnaire

Questionnaires and conversation prompts are a great way to learn more about your partner. Pinterest and other websites offer lists of light-hearted or deep and meaningful questions to ask each other.

A few of our favourites include:

• What was your first impression of me?
• What’s at the top of your bucket list?
• What’s a movie, book, or song that has influenced your life?
• What was your dream job growing up?
• When do you feel most loved?

Practise Active Listening

We’re all guilty of half-heartedly holding a conversation while scrolling on our phone. But if you’ve made this a habit, your partner will likely feel ignored and unimportant, and may not bother trying to initiate interactions in the future.

These active listening skills can help you be present with your partner and make them feel understood:

• Maintain eye contact – This shows you’re giving your partner your attention and care about what they have to say.
• Signal encouragement – Minimal verbal and nonverbal responses such as a smile, nod, or “mhmm” can show you’re listening and encourage your partner to continue.
• Reflect content and emotion – Where natural and appropriate, expressing what your partner has told you back to them in your own words can show you’ve been listening, and gives them the opportunity to clarify if you’ve misunderstood. For example, “Wow, it sounds like you were really grateful to receive that recognition in front of your colleagues.”
• Ask follow-up questions – This is another great way to show you’ve been listening and encourage your partner to elaborate.

These skills can be used in all relationships – whether you’re on a date, in a work meeting, or visiting your parents. Using these skills with your loved one might make them more inclined to open up in future.

Volunteer Information

Stop overthinking things and just start talking. Tell your partner about the funny billboard you passed, the cute elderly couple you saw, or the new song you can’t get out of your head. It doesn’t have to be ground-breaking information – even if it seems small and trivial, you never know where the conversation might go.

RAQ offers relationship counselling to help couples improve their communication. Learn more about our counselling services and how to make an appointment here.

Learn what happens at relationship counselling in this article.

Our personal relationships have a huge impact on our happiness and wellbeing. When we experience relationship problems, the negative effects often spill over into other areas of our lives. Suddenly, we can’t focus at work, have a little less patience with the kids, and don’t enjoy social activities like we normally would.

All intimate relationships experience bumps in the road. If you and your partner are having difficulties that you can’t quite tackle on your own, relationship counselling might help you manage your situation more effectively.

So what exactly is relationship counselling? And when might you consider this option?

Relationship counselling isn’t just for romantic relationships. It can also be helpful for families, or individuals preparing to be in a relationship. In this article, we’ll focus on relationship counselling for couples.

We explore what to expect from relationship or marriage counselling with help from Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden.

Why might we need relationship counselling?

People attend relationship counselling for all kinds of reasons. Some common issues couples present with include:

• Relationship conflict
• Family conflict
• Communication issues
• Intimacy issues
• Parenting issues
• Repairing relationship after infidelity
• Preparing to start a family
• Navigating a separation
• Impact of trauma on relationship.

“Clients will often say ‘we used to get on so well, and now all we do is fight. We need help to get back what we used to have,’” Val explains. “We can help clients restore and rebuild their relationships – sometimes to be even stronger than they were before.”

What can we expect from a relationship or marriage counselling session?

“Relationship counselling is a safe place to explore the issues in your relationship that you may be struggling with,” says Val.

Sessions will usually be one hour in duration and can be conducted via phone, video call, or in person.

Here, you’ll be encouraged to discuss your thoughts and feelings in a safe and supportive environment. A qualified counsellor will ask questions to understand you and your relationship and help you gain clarity around your situation. They’ll aim to help you identify factors that might contribute to misunderstandings, offer advice and techniques to improve communication, and explore different possibilities and solutions.

Counsellors don’t take sides or make judgements about who is “right” or “wrong”. They don’t tell couples what to do, or try to persuade them to stay together or to separate. They’re just there to help you understand each other better and choose the right outcome yourselves.

What if I’m nervous to speak about issues in front of my partner?

Relationship counsellors are specially trained to help you be honest with yourself and your partner. You’re each gently encouraged to explore your issues and problems in a safe and respectful environment. Many couples find they feel more comfortable opening up to their partner in a counselling session than they would at home.

If you don’t feel comfortable discussing problems with your partner present, you can access counselling on your own, or begin your journey with separate sessions.

“You can request a separate intake, and our counsellors will talk to you about difficulties in your relationship and assess whether you might benefit from joint or separate sessions,” Val explains.

You can learn more about our relationship counselling options and how to book an appointment here.

RAQ also provides specialist counselling services for the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander community, people from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds, and people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or intersex.

For more advice from Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden, check out our article How to Fight Fair in a Relationship.

Fighting in a relationship is normal. Even the happiest couples run into conflict and differences of opinion. Arguing isn’t a sign your love is doomed – in fact, you can use your disagreements as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.

So how can you navigate conflict in a healthy, productive way to help your relationship, rather than hurt it?

Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden explains how to have a healthy argument, and the big no-nos to avoid in the heat of the moment.

Why do couples argue?

“Couples can fight about almost anything,” Val explains. “Sometimes, it’s small issues like putting dishes in the sink or taking out the rubbish. And then there are much bigger issues such as finances, alcohol, or gambling and its effect on the relationship. Or making a decision that may affect the rest of your life – like deciding to have children, move homes, or change jobs.”

Some of the common topics couples argue over include money, in-laws, and how much quality time is spent together. Of course, every relationship is different, and what is a source of conflict for one couple may not be an issue for another couple.

“All relationships have disagreements,” says Val. “A healthy argument is one where you can discuss your differences respectfully and come to a win-win where each person feels understood and respected.”

How to Have a Healthy Argument

“Always be respectful and listen to understand what your partner is saying,” Val advises. “Try not to react in anger, and give yourself some space if you feel yourself getting angry.”

While it may be tempting to react based on the emotions you’re feeling in that moment, it’s best to take a breath and respond thoughtfully.

Val recommends revisiting the issue once negative emotions have passed to ensure the problem is addressed and resolved for good.

“Always come back and take up the matter again when things have calmed down,” she says. “Otherwise, issues never get resolved – they just get pushed under the rug, and will emerge again when another disagreement looms.”

Things to Avoid in an Argument

Disagreements can be worsened if we lash out or seek to ‘win’ rather than listen with kindness. Avoid these behaviours for arguments that are more rapidly resolved with fewer hurt feelings:

• Don’t become aggressive, call each other names, or yell.
• Be mindful of your body language and facial expressions. Eye-rolling and head-shaking can antagonise your partner and increase tension.
• Don’t bring up past issues. Work on the issue at hand and find another time to bring up unrelated, unresolved issues.
• Don’t become defensive. If you’re quick to put your guard up, you won’t be open to your partner’s point of view.
• Don’t tell your partner “you’re just like your mother/father”. Attacking them and their family can make your partner protective and defensive.
• Avoid arguing in front of children without finding a resolution.

“It’s OK to have a healthy disagreement in front of your children and model conflict resolution to them,” Val explains. “But never have a disrespectful fight in front of your children, where you both get angry and don’t model a resolution. This makes children feel unsafe and models disrespect and anger.”

When to Seek Help

Good communication is key for a strong relationship. If you can’t seem to resolve your issues or you don’t know how to approach your partner with a problem, relationship counselling might help improve your communication for healthier arguments.

“Counsellors are trained to work with couples to help resolve conflicts and misunderstandings,” says Val. “Through the course of sessions, you’ll learn to understand your partner better, how they think, what motivates them, and how to communicate in a respectful and healthy way. This will help to resolve conflict in your relationship and teach you how to resolve disagreements before they escalate.”

You can learn more about our relationship counselling and its benefits here.