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Category: Relationships & Dating

How to Help a Friend with Anxiety

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It’s hard to see someone you care about struggle – especially if you don’t know what to say or how to help.

Anxiety can be confusing for those who haven’t experienced it. You might wonder where their feelings are coming from. You might think they don’t have anything to worry about. You might wish they could just take a deep breath and calm down. But anxiety is a mental health condition that can’t be willed away or simply switched off.

Anxiety is the most common mental health condition in the country. Statistics show over a quarter of Australians will experience an anxiety disorder at some stage of their life.

Like with most mental health conditions, support from friends and family plays a significant role in managing symptoms. If you’re not sure how to be there for your friend or loved one, make a start with these tips on how to help someone through anxiety.

 

Learn About Anxiety

We all worry or feel anxious from time to time. These feelings are a normal response to stressful situations such as changing schools, losing a job, or fighting with a partner.

But for people with anxiety, it doesn’t have to take a stressful event to provoke these feelings. Anxiety causes worry and fear that something bad will happen most of the time. Your friend might feel stress and dread in everyday situations, and find it hard to cope with everyday life.

Anxiety is different for everyone, but uncontrollable and excessive worry is one of the main characteristics of this mental illness. If you want to better understand your friend’s experience, try gently asking them to help you understand how they’re feeling.

There are several different types of anxiety conditions, and the most common include:

  • Generalised anxiety disorder
  • Social anxiety disorder
  • Panic disorder
  • Agoraphobia
  • Specific phobias.

You can learn more about the different types of anxiety here.

 

Listen and Validate their Feelings

You don’t need firsthand experience with anxiety to understand that it’s a tough thing to go through. Let your friend know you’re there to support them, and acknowledge that their experience must be hard.

Some people with anxiety might be hesitant to open up because of the stigma around mental health. They might be embarrassed about how they’re feeling. Or maybe it just seems too hard to describe their anxiety to someone who isn’t familiar with the condition.

Make them feel comfortable to talk by letting them know you’re there to listen without judgement or questioning.

 

Avoid Dismissive Phrases

It can take a lot of bravery to open up about intense feelings and mental health. If your friend has built up the courage to talk about their anxiety, be mindful of how you respond.

Avoid using dismissive phrases that invalidate their feelings or make them feel judged or pressured. This might include:

  • “You’re overreacting”
  • “It’s all in your head”
  • “There’s nothing to be anxious about”
  • “There’s no point worrying”

While it may be tempting to try and cheer them up, this can invalidate their feelings and make them feel alone. If you’re not sure what to say, try simply listening and reassuring them that you’re there to help them through it.

 

Gently Challenge Their Thoughts

There might come a time when some gentle challenging can help your friend change their perception of a situation – without invalidating their anxiety.

For example, if they’re worried they’re going to perform poorly in their work presentation, remind them of past successes when they’ve done well. Ask them what the evidence is that their negative thought or fear is true, and if there’s a more positive, realistic way to look at the situation.

When approached with empathy and sensitivity, a bit of challenging can help stop a downward spiral of catastrophising in its tracks.

 

Do the Things You Enjoy

If every conversation you have is focused on their anxiety, you might find yourself feeling more like a therapist than a friend. Continue doing the things you love together, whether it’s going to the cinema, the beach, or a concert. Fun activities can be a welcome distraction from anxiety and rumination.

Research shows humour can help deal with stress and anxiety, so if your loved one is having a tough time, don’t underestimate the power of a good stand-up show or comedy film on Netflix.

 

Encourage Them to Seek Help

While it’s important to be there for loved ones, there’s only so much you can do to help. A mental health professional will have a deeper understanding of anxiety and be able to provide coping mechanisms for your friend’s specific circumstances.

Our professional counsellors are experienced with anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

 

Discover our tips to help a loved one with depression in this helpful article.

How to Support a Partner with Depression

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Depression is a common and serious mental illness that impacts many Australians. Research shows one in seven Australians will experience depression in their lifetime.

Many people find themselves supporting a partner with depression at some point, and the condition can take a heavy toll on relationships. Relationships can be a lot of work even when both people are in a good mental space. Couples dealing with depression face their own daily challenges.

No one wants to see their partner suffer, and living with a partner with depression can cause loved ones to feel overwhelmed, helpless, and even afraid.

Support from friends and family plays an important role in treating or managing symptoms. If your partner suffers with depression, there are ways to help them on the road to recovery and nurture a healthy relationship.

If you are in an emergency or there is an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please call 000.

 

Learn About Depression

The first step to help a partner with depression is to increase your understanding of the condition.

Depression affects everyone differently, and symptoms can vary and change over time. Some signs your partner might have depression include:

  • Feelings of sadness, worthlessness, or guilt
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities they normally enjoy
  • Withdrawal from friends and family
  • Anxiety, agitation, or irritability
  • Changes in appetite or weight
  • Changes in sleeping habits
  • Fatigue and loss of energy
  • Difficulty thinking, concentrating, or making decisions
  • Thoughts of death or suicide.

There are plenty of reputable resources online that can help you learn about depression and mental health – such as these factsheets from Beyond Blue and SANE Australia – but the best way to understand your partner’s experience is to talk to them about it. Show an interest, listen with empathy, and ask open-ended questions such as:

  • Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?
  • What things do you find enjoyable at the moment?
  • What helped you the last time you felt this way?
  • What changes can help you feel better right now?
  • What do you need from me?

 

Be Patient and Understanding

It’s understandable to get upset from time to time, but it’s important to remember that depression is a mental illness. Your partner isn’t choosing to be ‘negative’ or ‘lazy’, and it’s not just a ‘bad mood’ that they’re experiencing. Getting frustrated with your partner for being sad, detached, or not wanting to get out and do things may exacerbate their symptoms and make them feel worse.

It can be especially hard to understand what your partner is going through if you haven’t experienced depression yourself. Try not to take it personally and remember depression is no one’s fault. A little patience and understanding can go a long way in making your partner feel loved and supported.

 

Don’t be a Cheerleader

It might be tempting to jump in and try to ‘fix the problem’ with positivity, but this can make people suffering with depression feel even more alone.

Trying to cheer your partner up with comments like “look on the bright side”, “it could be worse”, or “you don’t have anything to be depressed about” can invalidate their feelings and trivialise their condition, making them feel worse.

Again, depression is not a choice, and your partner cannot make the decision to ‘snap out of it’. If you don’t know what to say, try simply listening with empathy, holding their hand, and telling them you’re there to support them.

 

Focus on Small Goals

Small activities like getting out of bed or taking a shower can take an immense amount of effort for someone experiencing a severe depressive episode.

It might help to work with your partner to set small, achievable goals on these days (e.g. have a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast) or break down larger tasks (e.g. apply for a job) into several small tasks (e.g. update resume, write cover letter).

Acknowledge these little wins and continue to encourage your partner to take small steps in a healthy direction each day.

 

Create a Supportive Home Environment

While you can’t cure your partner’s depression, you can encourage them to make healthy choices that may have a positive impact on their symptoms.

You can help by:

  • Supporting them to have a healthy amount of sleep
  • Buying and cooking healthy meals together
  • Going for a walk or doing other exercise together every day
  • Continuing to do the activities you enjoy together
  • Providing emotional support and positive reinforcement.

 

Know the Warning Signs of Suicide

Some people with depression may be at risk of suicide. Seek immediate assistance if you recognise these warning signs:

  • Saying they feel worthless or alone
  • Feeling overwhelmed with hopelessness
  • Talking about death or wanting to die
  • Purchasing a gun or stockpiling pills
  • Extreme mood swings
  • Social withdrawal
  • Noticeable changes in normal daily routines
  • Uncharacteristically risky or self-destructive behaviour (e.g. drug or alcohol abuse or reckless driving)
  • Giving away sentimental or expensive possessions
  • Changes in personality and/or appearance
  • Saying goodbye
  • Getting affairs in order
  • Sudden calmness.

These are just some of the signs that someone might be suicidal. Use your gut instincts and take any red flag seriously.

If you think your partner might be suicidal, don’t be afraid to ask them directly. If they say yes, stay with them and listen to how they’re feeling, then get the appropriate help – such as calling the Lifeline crisis line on 13 11 14, or 000 if life is in immediate danger. Or you can see if you can get them an immediate appointment with a GP or psychologist.

 

Gently Encourage Them to Get Support

Depression is a real illness that requires treatment. If your partner’s symptoms are severe enough to impact their daily activities, work, and relationships, you can help them by gently encouraging them to seek professional help.

You might like to talk with them about treatment options (e.g. therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes) and let them know you’re there to help with making and preparing for appointments.

There are plenty of support services available for people experiencing depression. Relationships Australia Queensland provides free over-the-phone counselling for anyone who needs support. You can call us on 1300 364 277 Monday-Friday 8am-8pm and Saturday 10am-4pm.

 

Look After Yourself, Too

Caring for someone with depression can be challenging, so don’t forget to take care of your own mental and emotional health.

Our over-the-phone counsellors are available to talk if you need some emotional support, too: 1300 364 277.

If you are in an emergency or there is an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please call 000.

 

How to support a partner with depression tips in infographic

Signs of a Controlling Relationship

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What do you picture when you think of a controlling relationship?

Perhaps you imagine a partner who is physically aggressive. Or maybe one who dictates what their partner can and can’t wear.

While these behaviours are dangerous, there are many other signs of a controlling relationship that can be harder to spot. In fact, some people might not even realise when they’re in a controlling relationship. But whether these patterns lead to more severe emotional or physical abuse or not, this doesn’t make them any less unhealthy, hurtful, and damaging.

We asked Relationship and Family Counsellor Val Holden to share some of the red flags to watch out for, and advice if you’re experiencing or using control and manipulation in a relationship.

 

What is a Controlling Relationship?

A controlling relationship is one where one partner dominates the other in an unhealthy, self-serving manner. If your partner constantly makes you feel intimidated, insecure, or guilty, you could be in a controlling relationship. And control in a relationship is a form of abuse.

Val explains that abuse can come in many forms; it can be physical, emotional, sexual, financial, spiritual, and psychological.

“Does your partner make you feel guilty for having a good time or spending money?” she asks.

“Are you fearful to bring up something in a conversation because of the reaction you may get from your partner? Do you feel ashamed or made to feel stupid in front of friends or family? Do you ever question your sanity? If you have any of these feelings, you may be in an abusive relationship.”

Some signs of a controlling relationship might include:

Getting upset when you make plans without them

Your partner may not like it when you make plans that don’t include them, or when you leave the house without them. They might not want you to have a life outside of your relationship, and not respect your need for alone time. They might want to know where you are and who you’re with at all times, and constantly check in on you with texts and phone calls.

Making you feel guilty for spending time with family and friends

Similarly, your partner might make you feel bad about spending time with the people you love.

“Sometimes, these forms of control can come across as quite caring, or you may feel that your partner just really wants to spend time with only you,” Val explains. “’Stay home with me.’ ‘Why don’t we just

do something together?’ ‘We don’t need others in our relationship to be happy.’ Sounds nice, doesn’t it? But what if that happens all the time, and when you want to spend some time with your friends and family or have some space for yourself, you are made to feel guilty or selfish?”

Val advises that respect for each other’s needs and emotions, and respect for each other’s personal space and the ability to be yourselves, is paramount for a good relationship.

Overactive jealousy and accusations

A controlling partner may be overly jealous and regularly accuse you of flirting or cheating with other people without reason or evidence. While this might be a sign that they have their own insecurities or experiences from past infidelities to deal with, it’s unfair and unhealthy for them to constantly accuse you.

Going through your phone and belongings

Whether single or in a committed relationship, everyone deserves privacy. A partner who reads your texts, call history, emails, or looks through your belongings without consent doesn’t trust you or respect your boundaries.

Constant criticism

A controlling partner might undermine your confidence and make you feel insecure, putting you down in private and/or public. For example, they might criticise the way you dress or how you spend your time, exaggerate your ‘flaws’, or make fun of you in front of others but pass it off as ‘just a joke’.

Blaming you for everything

The ‘blame game’ is a popular one with controlling people. They might immediately take on the role of the victim and blame you for everything that goes wrong – even things that have nothing to do with you.

Making you doubt your reality

Some controlling partners don’t stop at trying to isolate you from your friends and family – they’ll also try to make you question your sense of reality. This common manipulation technique and form of emotional abuse is called “gaslighting”. It happens when a partner twists the truth to make you question your memories, instincts, and feelings.

An example of gaslighting might be when a partner sends you an upsetting text message, but when you approach them about it, they insist you misinterpreted it or you’re being too sensitive. Another example might be when a partner breaks a promise to cook you a nice dinner, and then blames you for making them feel bad about it.

Val offers some advice to anyone using control in their relationship.

“Trying to control your partner’s life, their emotions, and their ability to be themselves says more about you than them,” she says.

“If you are frightened and fearful and need to be able to control them, you will eventually push them away. You can never control someone – the relationship will eventually break down to become abusive an unhealthy.”

 

How to Cope in a Controlling Relationship

If you recognise these signs in your relationship, you should take them seriously. They’re unhealthy and destructive, and can lead to even more dangerous behaviours.

“First, recognise that you are in an abusive relationship, seek help from a professional counsellor, and make sure you are safe and can leave if you need to,” Val advises.

The good news is, some controlling relationships can be repaired if the unhealthy behaviour is addressed in a safe environment.

“Couples can work things out. Finding out what is really happening in the relationship and beginning to work on becoming more reflective on what is happening for you, or to you, is the start,” explains Val.

“Change can only happen when you seek to understand and respect yourself. Then begin to work on improving how you interact and react to each other. You need to start by owning your part in any argument, learning to let go, walk away, reflect and look at how to repair. This can all be done with a professional counsellor helping you to navigate your way through all these emotions and reactions.”

If you’re having a hard time in your relationship and need someone to talk to, you can access our free over-the-phone counselling on 1300 364 277 Monday-Friday between 8am-8pm and Saturday between 10am-4pm.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

How to Work from Home with Your Partner

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Sharing might be caring, but sharing a space with another person 24/7 can put a strain on even the strongest of partnerships.

Let’s acknowledge right now that anyone who still has a job, and can perform that job from the relative safety of their home, is really lucky.

In saying that, though, it’s normal to find it challenging – especially if you’ve never worked from home before. Add a partner, housemate, parent or friend to that situation and it can be a recipe for tough times.

It’s OK to find working from home with your partner hard.

No matter how much we like or love someone, being in close quarters all the time can wear thin very quickly.

So how can we make it a little easier for everyone?

 

Tip 1: Separate your workspaces (if you can)

If you’re able to, create workspaces in separate rooms. This will allow you to have your own little area to set up your things, get comfortable, take calls and focus on your job without having someone else breathing down your neck.

If your home doesn’t cater to separate rooms for work, try setting up a physical or psychological barrier to divide your areas. By creating that sense of separation, you may find it easier to tune out little things like food packets rustling while you’re in an important meeting, or dirty dishes in your partner’s ‘zone’.

 

Tip 2: Share schedules with each other

Touch base each week or day to run through important meetings coming up, big tasks to get done or times where you’ll need to really knuckle down.

That way you can each be aware of periods where the other may be experiencing higher levels of stress than normal and know whether it’s OK to interrupt to ask if the milk is still good to drink.

 

Tip 3: Adopt a non-verbal communication system

Partners ‘Zoom-bombing’ meetings can be a hilarious interlude or a distracting disruption, depending on the tone of the meeting and the culture of your workplace. To avoid having to awkwardly explain why your at-home ‘workmate’ can be seen and heard dancing and singing in the background of your webcam, have some sort of signal to let your partner know you’re on a call or video meeting.

For example, you could adopt a red light, green light system with each other, with red light meaning please stay away while green light means feel free to pop in and say hi. It works for more than just meetings, too. You can also use it to let the other person know when you need a clear headspace to focus on the work at hand.

 

Tip 4: Spend time apart from each other

When you’re in each other’s pockets during work time, relaxation time and sleep time, it’s important to make a conscious effort to dedicate a slice of each day to spend on your own.

It doesn’t matter how you use that part of the day – you could try walking, painting, reading in the garden, playing a video game or just chatting to the birds outside. It’s more important that you spend it alone to give yourself time to feel your emotions, think about your day, and reset your mind.

It can even give you something to talk about later when conversation topics are running dry. When you spend every second together, there’s nothing new that the other doesn’t already know about. But when you have some time away, you can chat about the kind person you passed while out for a walk, the aggressive duck you saw at the lake, or the bee that almost stung you in the garden.

 

Tip 5: Keep the romance (or friendship) alive

It’s very easy to be sucked into the mundane of your daily routine when options for outings are so limited. Dedicating an evening to keeping the spark of romance or friendship alive is a great way to connect on a deeper level.

Whether you’re working from home with your partner, or with a housemate or family member, you can invite them to a ‘date night’ or a ‘mates’ night’.

Plan your time to include things you don’t do every other night. For example, if you usually cook separately, cook a meal together instead, or support a local restaurant by grabbing some takeaway. And instead of streaming your standard TV series, dust off the board games and see who the trivia master really is. For more inspiration on things you can do while self-isolating, check out these 10 ideas for date nights.

Keep in mind that everyone handles stressful times differently and one common reaction is to become short-tempered and unhappy. If this sounds like you or your partner, and if things just become too much to handle, it’s important to seek help. It’s normal to struggle, but struggling alone isn’t your only option.

To talk to a telephone counsellor, you can call us on 1300 364 277.

 

Have you got another tip you can share with us? Let us know on our Facebook page!