Category: Seniors
How to Repair Your Relationship with Your Adult Child
Signs of Emotional Abuse in Elderly People
Everyone, regardless of age, deserves to feel safe and respected in their relationships.
Emotional abuse against elderly people is a type of elder abuse.
Emotional abuse, also called psychological abuse, can happen in any relationship where there is an expectation of trust. In the case of older people, the abuser may be a spouse, adult child, grandchild, carer, family friend, or neighbour.
In this article, we’ll discuss some signs of elderly emotional abuse to look out for in your older loved ones and free support options.
1. Social withdrawal or isolation
When someone is experiencing emotional abuse, they may become socially withdrawn from their family, friends, and community.
Often, an abuser will aim to socially isolate their victim to remove outside influences and make them more dependent on the abuser. Older people who rely on someone else for care and support are especially vulnerable.
The older person may also withdraw from their family and friends due to the shame, fear, or low self-esteem that the abuse is causing them.
Social isolation is dangerous for older people. It’s linked with increased risks of serious conditions such as dementia, premature death, and depression. If you notice an older loved one being more withdrawn than usual, reach out and check in on them. Here are some tips to talk to an older person you’re worried about.
2. Depression, anxiety, or fear
Emotional abuse can take a huge toll on someone’s mental health. Abuse in older people is highly associated with depression.
Signs of depression caused by emotional abuse may include:
- Not leaving the house
- Not eating or decreased appetite
- Not engaging in hobbies or activities
- Seeming uninterested or unbothered
- Drinking increased amounts of alcohol
- Not sleeping or sleeping more than usual.
Signs of anxiety caused by emotional abuse may include:
- Unusual lack of excitement or enthusiasm
- Checking in for permission from someone else
- Constantly cancelling or not showing up to plans
- Walking on eggshells, especially around a certain person
- Nervous behaviours like nail-biting, skin-picking, or fidgeting.
3. Unusual anger or irritability
Outbursts of anger can be a sign of being abused.
A person experiencing abuse may bottle up their emotions due to fear of expressing or communicating them. Bottling up can make a person easily irritated. Seemingly “normal” or “small” things may elicit an unbalanced response of anger.
These emotional outbursts should be responded to with gentle understanding. It may be a helpful approach to ask if there’s anything else going on that they want to speak about.
4. Lower level of self-esteem
Emotional abuse can cause someone’s self-esteem to plummet, especially in the case of older people who often depend on their abuser or who may not have many other people in their life.
Signs of low self-esteem can include self-deprecating talk, poor self-care, and not accepting or asking for help.
5. Passivity or seeming not to care
Sometimes emotional abuse can wear someone down to seem like a “shell” of their normal self. They may seem uninvolved, uninterested, and unfazed.
Emotional abuse is damaging for anyone’s mental health, no matter how old they are. It’s important to be supportive and to continue reaching out to someone who you’re worried about.
6. Stress, worry, or fear surrounding visits with a specific person
If the older person seems to get worried or anxious before, during, or after being around a certain person, it may indicate that they feel unsafe around them. They may behave like they’re walking on eggshells.
If you’re worried that someone is perpetrating elder abuse, here are some actions you can take if it’s safe to do so:
- Help your older loved one develop a safety plan
- Call 000 if there is an immediate threat to anyone’s safety
- Contact the Queensland Elder Abuse Helpline at 1300 651 192
- Help your older loved one access resources that can help, like the Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service.
- Offer to drive them to appointments.
Support is available
The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) helps older Queenslanders who are experiencing elder abuse. EAPSS provides free counselling, legal aid, referrals, and intervention services.
If you’re worried about yourself or an elderly loved one, you can call 1300 062 232 to learn more.
Here are some ways to help an older person you’re worried about.
What is grandparent alienation?
Grandparent alienation is when grandparents are unreasonably denied the opportunity to see and communicate with their grandchildren.
The relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild is irreplaceable – understandably, it hurts when you’re prevented from seeing or talking to them. A rocky relationship with your adult child or whoever is causing the alienation can add to the distress.
In this article, we share advice on what you can do if you’re experiencing grandparent alienation and briefly discuss grandparent rights in Queensland.
Behaviours of grandparent alienation
Sustained grandparent alienation is a form of elder abuse. Adult children are usually the perpetrators of grandparent alienation.
Behaviours of grandparent alienation include:
- Banning communication
- Preventing spending time together
- Leaving grandparents out of family events
- Threatening to cut contact with grandchildren
- Controlling or limiting contact with grandchildren
- Restricting important information regarding grandchildren
- Talking poorly about the grandparents in front of grandchildren
- Intentionally making it difficult for grandparents to see grandchildren
- Only allowing spending time together under the guise of childminding
- Withholding access to grandchildren unless financial support is provided
- Using contact with the grandchildren as a bargaining tool for financial support
- Withholding contact and visits unless the grandparents provide support (this is called coercive control).
It’s important to consider that not all situations point to grandparent alienation. For example, parents seeking a period of alone time with a newborn baby is a special circumstance – it doesn’t necessarily indicate that they’re intentionally separating you from your grandchild.
What to do when you’re experiencing grandparent alienation
This form of elder abuse can be distressing, and you might feel like you don’t know what to do.
Every situation is different. But moving forward is possible, even when it may not seem like it.
Your conflict resolution plan may include:
Making amends on your own
Usually, people prefer to come to an agreement themselves before seeking professional or legal intervention.
An open, honest conversation can have a huge impact. Establish a safe time and place to have this talk. Honesty, empathy, active listening, taking accountability, and a willingness to compromise are building blocks of effective communication.
We share more advice on resolving conflict with your adult child here.
Leaving the grandchildren out of it
Though grandparent alienation directly concerns your grandchildren, it’s best not to get them caught up in this disagreement.
We recommend avoiding criticising or talking badly about the parents to your grandchildren.
Attending family mediation
Mediation is a professionally guided meeting that allows families to resolve conflict and agree upon a solution to move forward together. Mediation is a safe space that encourages healthy communication.
Attending mediation allows grandparents to be able to apply for parenting orders.
The Senior Relationship Mediation Service (SRMS) is a free service for seniors and their families in Queensland. The SRMS can intervene and provide support and referrals in cases of elder abuse. To learn more, contact the SRMS at 1300 062 232.
Grandparent rights and family law in Queensland
Healthy, respectful grandparent-grandchild relationships can benefit the whole family. Australian family law recognises the importance of children’s relationship with their grandparents.
Grandparents can apply for a parenting order through a family law court. This means that a family law court can order for a child to live, spend time with, and/or communicate with a grandparent, provided it’s in the child’s best interest.
Grandparents cannot apply for parenting orders through the family law court unless they have tried mediation.
You can learn more about grandparent rights and options on the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia website.
Coping with grandparent alienation and elder abuse
If you don’t feel safe in having a conversation or making amends on your own, you may be experiencing elder abuse.
It’s critical to lean on your support networks and to look after yourself.
Be gentle with yourself and have self-compassion. Remind yourself that being abused is unacceptable – no one deserves it. The way others treat you is not a reflection of your worth.
Know the signs of elder abuse and stay connected with other family members and friends.
We provide more advice on how to cope with abusive adult children here.
Support is available
If you’re experiencing grandparent alienation and are concerned about elder abuse, support is available.
The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) assists older Queenslanders and prioritises their rights, safety, and wellbeing. EAPSS provides counselling, legal aid, referrals, and intervention services. Call 1300 063 232 to learn more.
How to Repair Your Relationship with Your Adult Child
Conflict with our children can happen at all ages and stages of life.
When your children were kids, it was easier to resolve arguments – it’s likely that you lived under the same roof and your child relied on you. But now that your children are grown, it might be harder to navigate disagreements.
An argument, disagreement, or even a cut of contact with your adult child can be especially painful.
We offer some advice on how to repair your relationship with your adult child and move forward with a healthy parent-child relationship.
Listen with the goal of understanding
A heart-to-heart could be exactly what you both need. Demonstrating understanding and empathy is the first step to resolving a disagreement.
Ask about their side of the situation. Listen with the goal of understanding instead of “listening to respond.” Consider your child’s experiences, current situation, and why they might feel the way they do.
By asking questions and actively listening, you might learn something new about your child that can help you understand them even better.
Acknowledge
Acknowledge and take accountability for what’s happened. Talking about the situation is also a good opportunity to share your own perspective and feelings.
By taking responsibility, you demonstrate maturity, self-awareness, and a willingness to move forward.
If you don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong, take this opportunity to acknowledge how your actions affected them.
Apologise
When someone is upset with you, sometimes all it takes is saying sorry. A genuine apology can go a long way.
Maybe you’ve accidentally hurt your child’s feelings. Even if what you did was unintentional, apologising can help mend the wound.
Here’s some more advice on how to apologise to someone you’ve hurt unintentionally.
Put in the effort
An apology is always more meaningful when you also show an effort to make changes moving forward.
Reassure your child that you’re making changes so this won’t happen again.
Rebuild trust
Rebuilding trust takes time and practice – don’t expect it to happen overnight. Remain patient, gentle, and empathetic.
Take opportunities to earn back your trust with them – follow through on your promises, back up your word with corresponding action, and show genuine effort.
Establish boundaries
Boundaries are like guidelines which keep our relationships happy and healthy. They provide balance and make sure others aren’t overstepping or making us feel uncomfortable.
Establishing boundaries is a positive step to building healthy, mutually respectful relationships.
We provide a guide to setting boundaries with your adult child here.
Respect their boundaries
Just as you have boundaries, it’s important to let your child set boundaries, too.
When your child was young, their boundaries are likely to have been different than they are now. For example, they may wish for more independence, space, or privacy. It’s important understand shifting boundaries as your child gets older and goes through different stages of life.
Asking someone about their boundaries is an indicator of respect. Once they’ve communicated their boundaries to you, it’s critical to accept and respect those boundaries.
Know the signs of elder abuse
Family conflict is normal from time to time. But it’s critical to understand the differences between a normal argument and abuse.
Elder abuse is abuse which occurs against seniors. In Australia, adult children of the victim are the most common perpetrators.
You can learn more about the signs of elder abuse here.
Try family mediation
It can be useful to have an outsider’s perspective on a family conflict.
Family mediation is a meeting guided by a professional mediator who helps the family reach a mutually agreed solution and a way to move forward. The mediator provides expertise and insight while supporting you to safely discuss difficult issues.
There’s no shame in attending family mediation – in fact, it’s a positive sign of how much you care about each other.
Support is available
Are you having a conflict with a family member, and don’t know what to do? Family mediation can help resolve conflict and make plans to move forward in a safe, supportive environment under professional guidance.
You can contact the Senior Relationship Mediation Service and make an appointment at 1300 062 232
We offer more advice on healthy relationships with your adult children here.
What is elder abuse?
Elder abuse is any abuse against a senior or an older person. If you’re an older person who is feeling unsafe in any of your relationships, you may be experiencing elder abuse.
We provide free support for people in Queensland experiencing elder abuse. You can contact the Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) at 1300 062 232.
Worried about an older friend or family member? You may also contact our hotline if you’d like to confidentially report elderly abuse.
Signs of elder abuse
Signs that someone is being abused can be hard to pinpoint. It’s not always as straightforward as physical injuries, especially since there are different types of elder abuse.
Elder abuse may be psychological (also called emotional abuse), financial, sexual, or physical. Neglect and coercive control are also forms of abuse.
Signs of psychological elder abuse
Psychological elder abuse is a series of actions and behaviours that intimidate the older person.
- Fear
- Self-harm
- Self-devaluation
- Social withdrawal
- A decline in self-esteem
- Minimising your own needs
- Anxiety about a specific person.
Signs of coercive control
Coercive control is a specific type of psychological abuse. Coercive control is when the abuser exerts power over the victim. Older people are especially vulnerable to this type of abuse.
- Gaslighting
- Manipulation
- Socially isolating you
- Controlling access to necessities
- Limiting access to grandchildren
- Bullying, name-calling, and criticism
- Making you ask permission for things
- Coercing you to take on responsibilities.
Signs of financial elder abuse
Financial elder abuse occurs when a trusted person takes advantage of an older person for financial gain. Financial abuse is the most reported type of elder abuse in Australia.
- Unpaid bills
- Unopened mail
- Limited access to finances
- Pressure to change your will
- Missing money or belongings
- Relatives living over rent-free
- Sudden spending habit changes.
Signs of physical elder abuse
- Flinching
- Broken bones
- Poor living conditions
- Unattended health needs
- Unexplained bruises or cuts
- Too much or too little medication.
Signs of elderly neglect
- No food at home
- Poor living conditions
- Unable to leave home
- Unattended health needs
- No access to required services
- Home is an unsuitable temperature.
Signs of elder sexual abuse
- Sudden STI
- Defence wounds
- Bowel incontinence
- Urinary incontinence
- Fear of a specific person
- Wounds around the genitalia.
Who is at risk of elder abuse?
One in six Australian seniors report facing elder abuse in the past year.
Abuse doesn’t discriminate – anyone can find themselves in an abusive situation. Being abused doesn’t define you or change your value.
Certain risk factors can make an older person more vulnerable to experiencing abuse.
Risk factors for elder abuse include:
- Having a disability
- Poor mental health
- Poor physical health
- Being socially isolated
- Living in rented accommodation
- Being single, separated, or divorced
- Owning a house with debt against it
- Coming from a First Nations background.
Men and women experience elder abuse at nearly the same rate.
Who commits elder abuse?
In Australia, one in two perpetrators of elder abuse are a family member of the victim.
The most common perpetrators of elder abuse are the older person’s adult children or children-in-law.
Friends, neighbours, other family members, caretakers, and service providers are also commonly reported as perpetrators in cases of elder abuse in Australia.
72% of victims of elder abuse reported that their main perpetrator suffered from problems of their own – typically mental health issues, financial problems, and physical health problems.
What protects people from elder abuse?
Certain lifestyle habits can help protect yourself or an older loved one from experiencing elder abuse.
These tips can help protect someone from elder abuse:
- Having peer support
- Seeing a financial counsellor
- Practising healthy relationships
- Seeking help from support services
- Being mentally and physically active
- Being outspoken about your wants and values
- Seeking legal advice before any major change or decisions
We provide more information about protecting yourself from elder abuse in this blog post.
What to do if you or a loved one are experiencing elder abuse
The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) provides free counselling and resources for seniors in Queensland. We can help explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe, supportive environment.
You may also contact our hotline if you are worried about someone else or to confidentially report elderly abuse.
You can learn more about our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.
Seeking Help for Elder Abuse: What to Expect
Everyone, regardless of how old they are, deserves to feel safe and respected in their relationships.
If you’re feeling unsafe or scared around a specific family member, partner, friend, or caretaker, it’s critical to reach out for help. If there’s an older person you’re worried about, you may wish to reach out for help on their behalf or report the senior abuse they’re experiencing.
What happens when you reach out for help concerning elder abuse? In this article, we’ll outline what to expect when you contact our Senior Relationship Services hotline. To reach out for help or to report elder abuse in Queensland, please call the free Senior Relationship Services at 1300 262 032.
What happens when you reach out for help or report elder abuse?
When you’re experiencing abuse, reaching out can be hard – we understand, and support is available.
Our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) is a free service for seniors in Queensland. EAPSS provides support and assistance to those at risk of, or currently experiencing, elder abuse. This service offers individualised support and referrals.
EAPSS supports folks 60 or older who live in Queensland and are at risk or experiencing elder abuse (or 50 or older for First Nations Peoples).
Here’s what happens when you reach out for help for elder abuse with the free EAPSS:
- Receiving help for elder abuse starts with a phone call to EAPSS at 1300 262 032.
- You may also be referred by police or social workers.
- A member of our team will speak with you about how we can best support you.
- You’ll fill out a client registration form.
- A case manager will screen your eligibility for the service.
- You’ll sign a client agreement and consent form.
- Your case manager will book a free session for you.
- In your first session, your case manager may help you with:
- A case plan
- A safety plan
- Achievable goals
- Referrals to legal practitioners
- Elder abuse prevention strategies
- Referrals to counselling or family mediation as required
- Referrals to other relevant services that may help you achieve your goals.
- Throughout your EAPSS journey, your case manager will evaluate your progress on your goals and case plan.
- The EAPSS will help you to reach your goals and act to ensure your safety, wellbeing, and your rights.
Tips for reaching out about elder abuse
Reaching out for help about abuse can feel difficult or scary. Here are some tips from our SRS case managers for your first call with our elder abuse hotline:
- If possible, call when it’s safe to talk
- We will always call back from a private number
- The counsellor can help create a safety plan for you
- We can connect you with relevant services, including crisis resources
- You can share as much or as little information as you feel comfortable with.
Thank you so much for helping. I feel like I can breathe a little. I really appreciate your help as I have never been in this situation before.
-EAPSS Client in Gladstone, QLD
Thank you so much, you understood what I was going through and were there for me. I now have a nurse who contacts me once a month. Your team was so nice to me, too.
-EAPSS Client in Mackay, QLD
My case manager helped so brilliantly. It seems like she’s the perfect person for the job.
-EAPSS Client in Gladstone, QLD
When I first spoke to you two years ago, I had already called six different organisations – you were the first who was able to point us in the right direction.
-EAPSS Client in Rockhampton, QLD
I’m doing well – trying to be strong with boundaries. I understand that my personal journey in healing will be a long one and I can’t heal if I keep letting the same things happen. You have been incredible; you saw me through some of the hardest weeks of my life and I’m so very grateful for that. I’m still seeing a trauma therapist every week, which is giving me new skills.
-EAPSS Client in Gold Coast, QLD
Signs of elder abuse
Elder abuse is any abuse against an older person. Elder abuse may be:
- Sexual
- Physical
- Financial
- Coercive control
- Psychological or emotional
- Abuse in the form of neglect.
Financial abuse is the most common type of elder abuse.
Some signs of elder abuse include:
- Making you afraid
- Physically harming you
- Bullying or severe criticism
- Pressure to change your will
- Missing money or belongings
- Anxiety about a specific person
- Your health needs being neglected
- Being stuck in poor living conditions
- Limited access to your own finances
- Having to ask someone else permission
- Coercing you to take on responsibilities
- Restricted access to necessities like medical appointments, medication, or food.
You can read more about the signs of elder abuse.
Support for those experiencing elder abuse is available
If you or an older loved one are experiencing elder abuse, the Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Services (EAPSS) provides free counselling and safety resources for seniors. Ring our senior abuse hotline for a free, confidential chat at 1300 262 032.
How to Set Boundaries with Adult Children
When your children become adults, it’s natural for your roles in each other’s lives to change.
Boundaries are like guidelines that keep our relationships with loved ones balanced, healthy, and safe.
If you’re feeling stress, strain, or dissatisfaction in your relationships with your adult children or grandchildren, it may be time to set some boundaries.
In this blog post, we’ll review signs it’s time to set boundaries, how to set boundaries with your adult children, and examples of healthy family boundaries. We’ll also explore some signs of elder abuse and the support that is available.
Signs it’s time to set boundaries with a family member
It might feel harsh to think about setting boundaries, but boundaries can improve your relationship and how you feel about each other.
Setting boundaries is a strong sign of self-respect, self-compassion, and self-advocacy.
It’s common for seniors to feel that their children are overly involved in their lives. Here are some signs that you should consider setting boundaries:
- You feel controlled in some way
- You feel used or like you’re being taken advantage of
- You are exhausted by interactions with your adult child
- You feel like your personal time and space are being invaded
- You feel your wants and needs are not being honoured or listened to
- You feel like they are overly involved in your decisions and lifestyle choices.
How to set boundaries with your adult child
It’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully. Here are some tips for talking to your child about your boundaries:
- Choose a safe, neutral space to talk, like a café
- Maintain a respectful tone of voice
- Avoid blaming or accusing
- Express your feelings
- Explain your boundaries and how you’d like to be treated
- Let them know that you appreciate their concern about your wellbeing
- Remind them you love them and that boundaries can improve your relationship.
Examples of healthy boundaries
Boundaries may be financial, physical, or related to communication or caretaking.
Here are some examples of healthy boundaries to set with your adult child:
- “I don’t need you to be with me all the time.”
- “I’m capable of managing my own finances.”
- “Please don’t call during dinner or after 8pm.”
- “I’m not available for childminding every day.”
- “Please only give me your advice when I ask for it.”
- “I would like to have multiple Powers of Attorney.”
- “I’m not able to financially support you as much as I used to.”
- “I’d like us to write out our financial contributions to the household.”
- “I want to live in my own home and I’m not ready to live in aged care yet.”
- “Please only visit me when you give me at least one day’s notice in advance.”
Is it elder abuse?
Every family has its issues sometimes; disagreements are normal. But it’s important to be aware of signs for when the situation is becoming abusive.
Unfortunately, adult children are the most common perpetrators of elder abuse. Here are some common behaviours of elder abuse:
- You have to ask them permission for basic things
- They control your time and communication with others
- They seem to hover around you when you’re with others
- They restrict your access to your car, phone, or other independence
- They keep you from your friends, other family members, or organisations
- They fail to provide you with necessities like food, medical care, and air con.
It might feel scary when your own child is the one abusing you, especially if you depend on them.
Sometimes elder abuse is unintentional and can stem from their own issues. However, whether it’s on purpose or not, abuse is never okay.
Everyone, regardless of age, deserves to feel safe with their family. Learn more about the signs of elder abuse.
Support is available
The Senior Relationship Mediation Services (SRMS) can help you resolve family arguments, set boundaries, and find a clear path to move forward in a healthy relationship with your adult child. The SRMS is a free service which prioritises the wellbeing of the older person and helps your family establish a way forward in a safe environment.
If you’re worried you may be experiencing elder abuse, the Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Services (EAPSS) provides free counselling and safety resources for seniors. EAPSS is a free service which offers individualised support, case management, and referrals for older folks in Queensland.
You can connect with the Senior Relationship Services at 1300 063 232.
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Is my lonely older loved one socially isolated?
Are you worried that an older loved one is lonely?
Our relationships are critical to our health and wellbeing. Staying socially connected can help us live longer, happier lives.
Social isolation includes a lack of social contacts or relationships, little to no engagement with other people, and limited opportunities for socialising.
Older adults are at high risk for social isolation due to factors like limited mobility, loss of family and friends, and living alone. Social isolation can lead to loneliness, which can be detrimental for elderly folks.
In this blog post, we’ll review how social isolation causes loneliness and is dangerous for older people. Whether it’s your grandparent, your elderly parent, or your older neighbour or family friend, we’ll share some ideas on how you can help a socially isolated older person.
Who is at risk of social isolation?
One in five Australian seniors are socially isolated; this rises to one-third of adults living in residential aged care.
Older folks are at increased risk of social isolation if they:
- Live alone
- Are an immigrant
- Struggle financially
- Identify as LGBTQIA+
- Have impaired vision
- Have impaired hearing
- Face a language barrier
- Are retired or not working
- Are a victim of elder abuse
- Are widowed or unmarried
- Live in residential aged care
- Live in a rural or remote area
- Have no children or grandchildren
- Have limited mobility or a disability
- Have friends who have passed away
- Have limited access to transportation
- Experience discrimination where they live
- Have busy adult children and grandchildren.
How does social isolation affect older people?
Social isolation can cause people to feel lonely. Social isolation and loneliness can seriously impact an older person’s mental and physical health, quality of life, and longevity.
When seniors are socially isolated, they face:
- A 32% increased risk of stroke
- A 50% increased risk of dementia
- An increased risk of premature death
- Higher rates of depression and anxiety
- Higher rates of suicide and suicidal thoughts.
How to help a socially isolated older person
It’s up to all of us to help the older people in our lives.
If you’re worried that a senior in your life is lonely, there are a few ways you can help.
Here are some ways you can help an older person who seems lonely:
- Visit regularly
- Call them regularly
- Offer to help with their shopping
- Introduce them to other seniors you know
- Regularly bring them a home-cooked meal
- Help them find a local hobby group via Facebook or Meetup
- Invite them to join you on outings or for dinner at your home
- Teach them how to use their computer, tablet, or smartphone
- Offer them a lift to the hairdresser, the library, or appointments
- Check your local neighbourhood centre for any senior groups or events
- Offer to drive them to and from local senior events or local senior groups.
The Senior Social Connect Program offers groups and events specifically aimed at reducing social isolation in older Queenslanders in Sunshine Coast and Gympie.
The Queensland Government website has a list of social groups and activities for seniors.
Relationships Australia Queensland’s Senior Social Connection Program helps older Queenslanders in Sunshine Coast and Gympie to stay connected.
If you or an older person you know is feeling lonely or socially isolated, our Senior Relationships Services are here to help. Our experienced counsellors can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.
You can learn more about our Senior Social Connection Program here or by calling 1300 063 232.
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Resolving Conflict With Your Adult Child
When your children grow up, it’s natural for your relationship with them to change.
However, if you’re arguing or experiencing conflict with your grown children, it can feel upsetting. You may feel disrespected or that your wants and needs aren’t being honoured.
In this blog post, we offer some tips on resolving conflict between you and your adult child, as well as how to identify elder abuse.
Find a safe time and place to chat
Time and place are critical when having a difficult conversation.
It’s ideal to start the conversation when both of you have enough time so that nobody feels rushed.
Sensitive conversations should be had somewhere private and comfortable for both parties. You may prefer to speak somewhere neutral, like a café or on a park bench, instead of one of your homes.
Communicate your feelings
Here are a few tips for healthy, effective communication:
- Calmly explain how you feel about the situation
- Aim to resolve the issue, not to be right or to win
- Actively listen to what the other person has to say
- Be aware of your nonverbal cues, such as gestures and facial expressions
- Write down everything you want to say ahead of time to help your chat be more effective
- Use “I” statements to avoid accusation – “I feel upset…” rather than “You make me upset…”
Here is a resource about positive communication with family members.
Exchange perspectives on the situation
Take the time to calmly explain how the conflict is affecting you. Listen and pay attention to your adult child’s point of view, too.
By having an open, honest conversation, you may learn something new about each other and can make headways in resolving your disagreement.
Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries establish how you’d like to be treated by others and how much you’re comfortable contributing to a relationship. They protect us emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Boundaries can be based off other people’s behaviours which make you uncomfortable. These behaviours may include unexpected visits to your home, phone calls at inappropriate times, or being asked to borrow money.
Examples of boundaries with adult children may include:
- Asking them to let you know at least a day before visiting
- Outlining a schedule of when you’re able to take phone calls
- Setting a limit on how much you will financially support them.
Compass offers a guide on setting boundaries with adult children and grandchildren.
Know your worth
Self-compassion can protect your mental health when you’re in the middle of a conflict with your adult child.
Your value doesn’t change because of your age or because your children are adults now. In fact, age brings many strengths, like wisdom and experience.
Your age is no excuse for someone to treat you differently – the mistreatment of older folks because of their age is called .
Attend family mediation
Mediation is a professionally guided meeting which helps families when they are arguing or having problems.
Family mediation provides an opportunity for open, honest conversations in a safe environment under the guidance of a mediator. Families can learn healthy ways to manage disagreements and develop plans to move forward from problems they may be having.
You can learn more about family mediation for older people and their families in our blog post, What is family mediation?.
Recognise the signs of elder abuse
If you feel unsafe doing any of the recommended conflict resolution tactics above, it’s important to learn the difference between a typical disagreement and elder abuse.
Adult children of the elderly victim are the most common perpetrators of elder abuse.
You may be experiencing elder abuse if:
- You are afraid or anxious around your adult child
- You need to ask permission from your adult child
- Your adult child is using threats or physical violence against you
- Your adult child is coercing you into responsibilities like babysitting
- Your adult child controls your finances or your access to medical care
- Your adult child is manipulating your relationship with your grandchildren.
You can learn more about abuse against older folks on our Understanding Elder Abuse page. The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) is here to support seniors in Queensland.
If you or an older person you know are in a conflict with an adult child, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe, supportive environment.
You can learn more about our Senior Relationship Mediation Service here, or by calling 1300 063 232.