Category: Separation & Divorce
Separation, Conflict and Our Mental Health
Family separation can be a very stressful time for everyone involved, whether that’s the parents, family, or children. And it’s made harder when there’s ongoing negative conflict, feelings of anger, or ongoing bitterness. Ongoing conflict may lead to partners, parents, and children experiencing poor mental health and the impact can last generations.
We can tend to think of ‘conflict’ as the rarer, difficult separations, rather than the norm. Maybe those that only impact 1% of separating families and couples. But this is far from the case. Research by Relationships Australia found that up to 1 in 5 family separations experience significant conflict.
As we recognise World Mental Health Day, let’s have a real conversation about the life events that can affect all of us. Children and adults can thrive after families separate, but they can also struggle. When life is hard, it’s important to know how serious the implications can be on our mental health, but also, there is always hope for a more positive outcome.
The Stats Around Separation
Between 10 and 20% of separating and separated parents experience significant conflict regarding their children, finances, or property. Where there is conflict (and especially if the conflict remains unresolved or is hostile), there is more likely to be elevated mental health issues.
We don’t think about relationship counselling or post-separation services as “mental health support”. But across 3 studies by Relationships Australia (spanning 2500 parents), up to 28% reported “very high mental health distress”.
The research shows a clear and direct correlation between sustained negative conflict and increased feelings of mental health distress. And with this affecting such a significant portion of those separating, we need to be more proactive in protecting the mental health of everyone involved, whether that’s the grown-ups or children.
The Causes of Conflict
While we can agree there’s a pattern, it’s not fair to say that separation causes conflict. In fact, separation can be an important step towards alleviating conflict.
Across several studies into separations, we have learned that conflict between separating and separated partners can stem from:
- Disagreements around children, finances, or property
- Difficulty managing feelings of loss
- Changes in social networks
- Changes in financial and parental responsibility.
We’ve also learned that children’s adjustments and mental health can be directly predicted by their parents’ adjustments to the separation, and their parents’ mental health.
In the short term, children exposed to hostile and unresolved parental conflict report higher rates of academic and learning issues, anxiety, stress, depression, and social/communication issues.
Over the long term, those same children are more likely to experience mental health illness, relationship difficulties, attachment issues, employment concerns, or health issues.
The Potential Positives
Our approach to separation influences our mental health. And thankfully, there are a few steps that research shows can help separating people cope better with this stressful life event:
- Healthy relationships – Research suggests that maintaining healthy relationships with friends and family, and developing new social connections, is associated with more positive adjustments through separation.
- Adjusting to new roles and identities – Mental health is improved when parents can find positive, clear and purposeful new identities and roles as separated co-parents.
- Maintaining physical health – Eating well, exercising, and getting quality sleep can have a large influence on mental wellbeing.
- Proactively alleviating financial stress – Seeking financial guidance, or developing a new budget, can help reduce stress and conflict around money.
- Meeting the children’s needs – As children adjust to separation, they will often need a lot of time and space to share their feelings, and plenty of reassurance the separation wasn’t their fault. Children tend to thrive when their parents offer warmth, support, developmentally appropriate supervision and structure, and responsive care.
- Open, respectful communication – Whether it’s how partners communicate to each other, or about each other to their children and other people, or how parents speak with their children, the power of respectful communication cannot be underestimated. Modelling respectful communication and constructive ways to manage disagreements between adults, can significantly improve outcomes for children.
The Hope for Mental Health Outcomes
While every family separation will differ, there are multiple solutions that can help increase the likelihood of positive outcomes for everyone’s mental health. Particularly if there are feelings of anger or hostility lingering between ex-partners, or there is unresolved conflict between parties.
Family and relationship counselling
Couple-based interventions, such as counselling, can have a profoundly positive effect on either (or both) partner/s mental health, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, or even addiction.
Post-separation services (such as Family Dispute Resolution)
Where conflict might arise and parents are unable to amicably co-parent or agree on parenting plans, Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) can offer a cooperative, respectful solution, to help families minimise conflict.
As a form of mediation, FDR provides a space where the parents can lead the discussion and negotiations, with the guidance of a mediator. When compared to litigation, this approach increases rates of mutually acceptable parenting and property agreements. And with that, the rates of conflict and mental health distress tend to be minimised.
Let’s Normalise Separation Support for World Mental Health Day
It’s important to remember that family separation is a complex, stressful process for anyone. But the more significant correlation we see with negative mental health outcomes is when separations carry unresolved, hostile conflict.
Thankfully, even in the most complex and difficult of circumstances, there’s hope. Through systems like FDR and counselling, there’s always a way to offer children and adults a brighter outcome for their mental health.
The right support provided at the right time can set families up for generations of love, support, and positive mental health outcomes.
How to Talk to Kids About Separation
Approaching the topic of separation with little ones can be overwhelming. The temptation can be to either delay sharing the news or to ‘rip the band-aid off’.
In many cases, it’s best to be open about the separation as soon as possible. Otherwise, children can often come up with their own explanations for the things they’ve noticed – and may even think they’ve done something wrong.
So what’s the best way to talk to kids about separation? There’s no definitive answer, and every family will be a little different. But with the right steps and considerations in place, you can have these conversations in the most positive means possible.
Listen to Your Child
You’ll probably feel like there’s a lot to discuss and a lot to organise when raising this topic. But information-dumping on your child can make them feel like they’re not allowed to express their feelings in these types of discussions.
Be mindful to give your child as many chances as possible to share what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling. Welcome questions and remind them they can ask any questions they might think of later. This will help set the foundation for a healthy, collaborative, and caring discussion.
Use Age-Appropriate Language
Explaining divorce to a child will vary significantly based on their age and development. For example, ‘coparenting’ is a term and concept most young children wouldn’t understand.
Try to find terms and phrases that fit their level of understanding and keep things clear and simple. You can see how certain phrases might be delivered differently to suit different ages in these general examples:
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Speaking to Toddlers |
Speaking to Teenagers |
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“One week you’ll stay at my home, and the next week, you’ll stay at your mummy’s/daddy’s home”. |
“We’ll share custody as evenly as we can, so you’ll still get quality time with each of us between our two homes.” |
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“We won’t live together anymore, but we’ll always be a family. We both love you so much, and we’ll keep loving you no matter what.” |
“Relationships can be complicated, but even if we’re not together anymore, nothing changes that you’re loved by both of us, and our relationship with you will always be our top priority.” |
Naturally, the specific things you need to discuss will vary from family to family. But using developmentally appropriate language can help ensure there’s no misunderstanding or false expectations moving forward.
Cover the Logistics
The concept of separation can lead to a lot of questions for a child. If you’ve already arranged solutions with the other parent/party, you should try and inform your child of things like:
- Where they’ll live with each party
- How much time they’ll get with those they’ll want to see
- Whether they’ll need to change schools or social activities
- Anything that changes their routine due to new budgets or arrangements
- Anything else the child has on their mind that may change as a result.
The more you can share with your child, the less room they’ll have to speculate or worry. Remember to keep things clear and direct, and encourage them to ask any questions.
Reassure Them
Separation and divorce can be a challenging time for kids of all ages. They can notice things in relationships and falsely assign causes, blame, and make other links that aren’t there. So while it might seem obvious to you that your child’s not to blame, it might not be as obvious to them.
Providing plenty of reassurance that it’s not their fault and everyone loves them can help reduce some of these anxieties and fears.
Look After Yourself
Separation can be emotionally and mentally taxing. It’s important to look after yourself for your own wellbeing and for the benefit of your whole family.
As they say on planes, you should put your own oxygen mask on first before helping those around you. With some appropriate self-care, you’ll be better placed to guide your child through this uncertain time.
If you need support navigating separation and reaching an agreement on parenting, property, financial, and personal issues, mediation or Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) can be a great option.
You can call us on 1300 364 277 for help finding the appropriate support for you.
For more advice, you might find our list of coparenting boundaries helpful.
Seeking Survey Participants: Relationship and Separation Service Needs
Seeking feedback from people who have accessed, or may access, family relationship services and family law system services that support relationship and/or separation issues.
This anonymous online survey takes approximately 30 minutes. Participants will be invited to enter a random draw for one of five $100 grocery vouchers after the completion of the survey.
You can learn more about the study and access the survey link here: https://static.aifs.gov.au/files/fl-survey/PIS-FL-client.pdf
Overview of the FRSP Review project
The Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) has been commissioned by the Australian Government Attorney-General’s Department to assess how well the current Family Relationships Services Program (FRSP) services is meeting the needs of families.
The FRSP provides a range of support and education services for separated and separating parents with the aim of improving the wellbeing of Australian families. FRSP services are part of a broader range of services available under the family law system. This will help us to understand the needs of separated and separating families, and whether services are meeting these needs.
Part of this Review includes surveying adults who have separated or are in the process of separating regarding their relationship and separation needs. AIFS is asking people who have accessed or may access family relationship services and family law system services that support relationship and/or separation issues, to consider completing an anonymous, online survey.
The survey intends to capture the needs of separating and/or separated families. This is your chance to inform us of your experiences of these services and your views regarding whether these services meet families’ needs.
If you are interested in sharing your thoughts and experiences, below are the details regarding the survey and how to access it.
Online survey
The online survey is completely anonymous and takes approximately 30 minutes. The survey closes at the end of January 2024.
Participation is completely voluntary. Declining to participate, or withdrawing your participation, will not affect your entitlement to services or your relationship with AIFS or anyone else.
Should you wish to participate, you are free to stop the survey at any time, to not answer any questions, and to delete your answers prior to submitting your responses.
Participants will be invited you to enter a random draw for one of five $100 grocery vouchers after the completion of the survey.
How to participate
For more information regarding the Review and the survey, please access the participant information sheet linked below. Within this document is the survey link should you wish to participate:
https://static.aifs.gov.au/files/fl-survey/PIS-FL-client.pdf
The participant information sheet provides you with information regarding how your data will be used and stored. Please consider the information within this link before accessing the survey. Any information that is obtained in connection with this research project and that can identify you will remain confidential unless otherwise permitted by you, or as required by law.
Contact details
If you would like to discuss this Review, have any problems accessing the survey, or you wish to withdraw your participation, please email: FRSPreview@aifs.gov.au or call 1800 720 142.
The participant information sheet also contains support contact information should you become distressed or upset:
https://static.aifs.gov.au/files/fl-survey/PIS-FL-client.pdf
List of Coparenting Boundaries
Coparenting with an ex-partner can be challenging, especially if the relationship ended on rocky terms.
It can help to determine some coparenting boundaries or rules to ensure your child’s best interests remain at the heart of everything you do.
In a coparenting situation, boundaries can protect parents and children against any bitterness or anger that may exist between you and your ex-partner.
This list of coparenting rules and boundaries can help you have a healthy relationship with your ex-partner that benefits your child and supports you to heal after the separation.
1. Make a plan of parenting responsibilities
Create a clear, detailed plan that defines what you and your ex-partner’s responsibilities will be as you coparent together. Defining expectations you both agree to will give your child more consistency and stability. Having a plan will also help you avoid arguments and confusion.
2. Stick to a coparenting schedule
Create a comprehensive custody schedule with no room for misunderstandings. The plan should detail date and time of exchanges as well as holidays and important events. The schedule should be written with your child’s school and extracurricular priorities as the focus.
Respect the coparenting schedule by arriving on time to exchanges, letting the other parent know about changes, and modifying the schedule if necessary.
3. Keep it professional
It might be awkward at first, but treating your ex-partner like a business partner may minimise drama and arguments. Focus on working together respectfully for your child.
You should communicate with your ex-partner like you would with a colleague. Remain professional, respectful, and friendly. Keep out intimate details of your personal life, don’t let your emotions take over, and try to handle any disagreements away from your child.
4. Communicate effectively
It’s important to establish expectations of communication. You can use an app like TalkingParents exclusively for communication with your coparent. When using an app like this, you can reserve texts and calls for emergencies only.
You should also detail what you’ll talk about in your communication – and what you won’t talk about. Keep communication child-focused.
To curb conflict with your coparent, practise accountable and solutions-based communication. Some effective methods of healthy communication include using “I” statements instead of accusing, and offering solutions instead of arguing. For example, “I notice you’re usually running behind to Sunday pick-ups, should we change the schedule to meet 15 minutes later?”
5. Keep your personal lives private
Again, stick to keeping it professional and communicating effectively.
While coparenting is for the benefit of your child, it’s normal to grieve the separation from your ex-partner as you adjust to this new normal. An important step in healing is to move on and protect your new life.
Set strict boundaries of what you will and won’t discuss with your ex-partner. It’s wise to not snoop into your ex-partner’s personal life either, as this may hurt your feelings and hinder the process of moving on.
6. Be supportive of your ex-partner’s role as your coparent
Ultimately, coparenting is for the benefit of your child. Having a healthy coparenting relationship will be better for your child’s mental health, academic performance, and overall upbringing.
Encourage your coparent. Be friendly when you attend your child’s school events together, thank them for being on time to pick-ups and drop-offs, and don’t badmouth them in front of your child.
Are you having a difficult time navigating coparenting? We offer more tips in our blog post How to Make Joint Custody Work.
RAQ offers individual and couples counselling as well as mediation services for families experiencing separation.
To find out what services might suit you, please call us on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm Monday-Friday or 10am-4pm Saturday.
How to be a Good Father after Divorce
It’s normal to worry about your relationship with your kids after a divorce or separation – especially if you’ll be spending less time with them.
This can be a very challenging time for children, whatever their age. It can take time to adjust to a new routine of moving back and forth between parents.
While all this change can be hard on everyone, it’s important to focus on your kids’ needs every step of the way.
We hope this advice helps you navigate coparenting and fatherhood after separation.
Manage Your Own Feelings
Separation can bring up a lot of difficult feelings, especially when kids are involved. Anger, disappointment, and guilt are all common emotions following a relationship breakdown.
It’s crucial that you manage any negative feelings toward your coparent and the situation to avoid projecting them onto your children.
You want them to grow up in a safe and supportive environment, not around parents who outwardly dislike each other or hold onto resentments.
If you’re feeling hurt, angry, or anxious, lean on your support networks and talk to someone you trust.
It can also be helpful to speak to a professional counsellor. Counselling is a safe and confidential environment for you to get things off your chest and find healthy ways to cope.
Working through your emotions will help you heal and be the happiest and healthiest version of you, and in turn, the best dad you can be for your kids.
Don’t Play Favourites
The last thing kids want when their parents break up is to feel like they have to pick a side.
Kids should be supported to maintain a positive relationship with both parents. Turning it into a competition to be the ‘favourite’ is unhealthy and uncomfortable for everyone.
Even if you have some negative feelings toward your ex, it’s important to remain respectful when your child is around and support their relationship with each other.
And remember, it’s normal for kids to miss one parent when they’re with the other. Try not to take this personally – they very likely miss you when you’re apart too! Don’t guilt your child for wanting to spend time with their other parent, and don’t take this out on your coparent.
If you’re having a hard time feeling like your child prefers their other parent, the advice in this blog post might help: When Your Child Favours Their Other Parent after Divorce.
Make Your Home Feel Like Their Home
Even if your kids only visit every second weekend, remember that they aren’t visitors – they live with you. Your home is their home, and they should feel safe and comfortable whenever they’re with you.
Create a space that feels warm and inviting, and make sure their rooms have all the necessities as well as personal touches to make them smile.
It can help to involve them in the decorating process so they have a sense of control over their new room and look forward to spending time there. This could be a fun bonding exercise and put a positive and exciting spin on having a second bedroom.
Make the Most of Your Time Together
One of the best ways to be a good dad is to really be present and engaged with your kids.
Quality time means giving them your full attention and making an effort to get to know them. Ask them about their interests and ideas without the TV or your phone distracting you.
Kids need plenty of reassurance from their parents following a separation, so be sure to give them plenty of hugs and positive affirmation such as:
- I love you
- I will always be here for you
- I love spending time with you
- Playing with you is my favourite part of the week
- I’m always thinking of you, even when we’re apart.
How you interact with your kids now will set the foundation for your relationship into the future. Remember that only you are responsible for your relationship with them, and show them how important they are by really making the most of your time together.
Pay Attention to Their Behaviour
Separation and divorce can be a difficult and traumatic time for kids of any age. It’s important that you keep an eye out for any concerning changes in behaviour that might indicate they need further support.
Some signs your kids might be struggling include:
- More frequent crying
- Increased fear of things
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Increased fear of abandonment
- Increased irritability and outbursts
- Clinging to caregivers more than usual
- Complaints of headaches or tummy aches
- Misbehaving or declining grades in school
- Regressing to younger behaviours (e.g. thumb sucking).
If you think your child is having a hard time coping with your separation or divorce, you should talk to the other adults in their life to let them know. This might include their coparent and grandparents (if safe to do so), teachers, and any other babysitters or carers concerned.
It’s important that everyone around them is looking out for them and doing what they can to support them during this difficult time. If you think they need extra support to work through things, help is available.
RAQ offers counselling for individuals, couples, and families in a safe and non-judgemental environment. We can also refer you to child-specific services like Headspace and Kids Helpline if needed.
You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.
We offer more helpful advice in this blog post: Tips for Separating with Kids
When Your Child Favours Their Other Parent after Divorce
Separation and divorce can be challenging and confusing for children.
This dramatic change to the family dynamic and routine can bring a lost sense of safety and stability.
It can take time to adjust to moving back and forth between their parents, and it’s normal for a child to miss one parent while they’re with the other.
They may even seemingly favour one parent following a separation. Perhaps they feel more comfortable with mum, or maybe they have more fun with dad. This favouritism is often temporary, and they may even switch between which parent they prefer from week to week.
While it can be hurtful to feel like your child favours the other parent, it’s important to manage your feelings and prioritise your child’s needs every step of the way.
We offer advice to navigate this situation while keeping your child’s best interests at heart.
Don’t guilt your child
Children should be encouraged to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents following a separation.
Don’t make them feel guilty for wanting to spend time with the other parent, and don’t pressure them to choose a side. It’s normal to feel hurt if they seem to prefer the other parent, but it’s not OK to guilt your child for it.
Saying things like “That hurts mummy’s feelings” or “Don’t you love your daddy anymore?” can make them feel like they’ve done something wrong and exacerbate negative feelings.
Remember that your child is dealing with their own big emotions right now, and your emotions are your own responsibility. It’s not your child’s job to make you feel better – it’s your job to support them emotionally.
If you’re struggling, find healthier ways to cope such as talking to a trusted friend or professional counsellor.
Look for the message
It’s important to remember that it’s normal for children to go through phases of favouring one parent over the other throughout their lives – especially during the younger years.
They might request a specific parent to read their bedtime story, or bond more with a parent that shares their interest in a sport or hobby. It isn’t necessarily a reflection on you or an indication that you need to change.
But in some cases, it can be an opportunity for reflection. Ask yourself what this might mean about your own relationship and how you can improve as a parent. Do you talk and play with them without distractions? Do you listen with patience and understanding? Do you say “I love you” often?
Play to your strengths, stay positive, and focus your energy on nurturing your own relationship with your child and supporting them through these scary changes.
Don’t take it out on your ex
Your relationship with your child is your responsibility and should be your main focus as you create new routines.
Getting upset with your ex or turning it into a competition to be the ‘favourite’ isn’t helpful or healthy for anyone. The same goes for badmouthing them around your child.
Even if you have some negative feelings toward your ex, it’s important to remain respectful when your child is around.
Seek professional support
Talking to a counsellor in a non-judgemental environment can help you explore your feelings and concerns and find healthy coping strategies.
You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.
We offer more advice for parents here: Tips for Separating with Kids.
Navigating a Trial Separation in the Same House
Making the decision to temporarily separate can be tough enough, but choosing a trial separation in the same house can bring some added challenges.
Trial separations don’t immediately mean the end of a relationship. This time can provide the space and opportunity for both people to consider whether they want to end their marriage or if they want to work on things.
And while a trial separation while living together may seem awkward, it can work really well if the partners are on relatively good terms.
You might be staying under the same roof due to financial circumstances or for the sake of your children. Whatever your reasons, we hope this advice helps you navigate your in-house trial separation a little easier.
Establish Boundaries and Rules
It’s important to set some ground rules early on to ensure you’re on the same page and avoid disagreements.
Some things to consider at the start of your trial separation might include:
- The length of the separation
- Where you’ll each be sleeping
- How you’ll divide finances/expenses
- If you’ll tell your children, friends or family
- Whether you’ll be seeing other people during this time
- How you’ll divide household chores and responsibilities
- Whether you’ll remain sexually intimate during this time
- Whether you can still call/text each other during this time.
It can help to speak to a relationship counsellor if you need help communicating and agreeing on respectful personal boundaries and guidelines.
Maintain Open Communication
Don’t wait for tensions or resentments to build up before speaking.
Check in with each other and maintain honest communication to see how you’re both feeling.
While a trial separation can provide an opportunity for some space, it’s important to keep a temperature check on what’s working and what’s not – especially during an in-home trial separation.
Touch base regularly to discuss where you’re at and whether you’re both still working toward the same goal. You might even like to schedule a set time in once a week to have those conversations.
Try Relationship Counselling
Every couple faces challenges from time to time. If you’re struggling to communicate your needs or navigate issues – big or small – relationship counselling can help.
Our experienced relationship counsellors can help you talk through any difficulties you’re experiencing in a safe space free from judgement. They can work with you as an individual or with you and your partner to help you find ways to manage your situation more effectively.
“We can help clients restore and rebuild their relationships – sometimes to be even stronger than they were before,” says RAQ Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden.
You can learn more about relationship counselling or make an appointment by calling 1300 364 277.
Learn more about what you can expect from relationship counselling here.
How to Make Separation Easier
There are many reasons why people separate, and not all separations lead to divorce.
But whether you’re taking time apart to work on things or you’re heading in the direction of divorce, there are some ways you can make your separation easier.
The right approach to separation (and avoiding some big no-nos) can help you repair your marriage or make an impending divorce easier.
Whatever your situation, we hope these separation tips help you separate amicably while you figure it all out.
Establish healthy boundaries
Once you’ve decided to separate, you need to determine how much contact you’re comfortable with and establish these boundaries early on.
Are you separating to have some time to yourself to think things through? Will staying in touch every day make it harder for you to clear your head? Do you need a trusted loved one or mediator to be the ‘middle man’?
Once you’ve agreed on the terms of your separation, you may like to seek legal advice and create a marriage separation agreement with a lawyer – particularly if kids and/or finances are involved.
Put the kids first
Separation can make a big impact on children’s lives, causing stress, confusion and sadness. It’s important to keep your kids’ wellbeing your top priority during this big change.
Relationship Counsellor Shirley Hussie explains, “It’s not always parents separating that causes the psychological distress for children, but the way in which parents separate.”
Some things to remember when separating with kids include:
- Reassure them it’s not their fault and you both love them
- Try to maintain as much consistency in their routine as possible
- Protect them from any conflict between you and their other parent.
You can learn more about how to make separation easier on your children with our article Tips for Separating with Kids.
Keep the peace
Separation can stir up negative emotions like anger and resentment. But acting on these feelings with raised voices or abusive language can quickly turn your situation sour.
Communicate with your estranged partner as you would with a business partner by keeping things respectful and neutral.
If you find it hard to talk to your partner without getting upset, or your partner makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, it might be a good idea to engage with a mediator to help you come to an agreement.
You can learn more about mediation in our article What is Mediation?
Embrace the change
This can be an upsetting and confusing time, but it can also be an opportunity. Separating can give you the space to check in with yourself and what you want in life. You might have more time to catch up with friends and family, pick up an old hobby, learn something new, and consider your future.
Try to make the best of the situation and embrace the opportunity to focus on yourself and your own self-growth. It can help to speak to a counsellor during this time, as this can allow you to explore any concerns you might have and support you to find solutions.
Seek professional support
RAQ offers a wide range of separation services for people going through separation or preparing to separate. From dispute resolution and mediation to counselling for individuals and couples, professional support can be a great option if you’re feeling stuck or having a hard time agreeing on things.
You can call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment or learn more about what services might be right for you.
If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.
How to Make Joint Child Custody Work
Co-parenting can be challenging – especially if things with your former spouse didn’t end well.
You might be stressed about money, worried about your ex’s parenting abilities, or simply tired of conflict. While it may be tricky for you to navigate this new arrangement, it’s important to remember that it’s not easy on your child, either. And it’s your job to do everything you can to help them adjust and thrive in their new ‘normal’.
Learn how to share custody of a child and make the transition as smooth as possible with these tips.
Always put the child first
Your relationship may be over, but your family isn’t.
No matter how stressful or frustrating it can be, it’s important to put your own emotions aside for the sake of your child. Conflict between parents can be hurtful for a child to witness – particularly if they feel like it’s their fault their parents are fighting.
Maintaining a civil co-parenting relationship is key. This means being flexible and cooperative when making shared decisions around your child’s care. Avoid making demands out of spite, and always keep your child’s best interests at heart to ensure arrangements are made with their wellbeing and stability in mind. Keep conversations focused on your child’s needs, not yours or your ex’s.
Co-parent as a team
It’s essential that you work together as a team when it comes to your child. Maintaining consistency with rules and discipline between both homes helps your child avoid confusion and know what’s expected of them.
If your child has lost privileges in one household, the other should follow through with this discipline. It’s important to present as a united front so your child knows you and your co-parent are on the same page.
If you’re struggling to agree on arrangements, you might like to try mediation. Mediation can help you communicate respectfully, navigate conflict, and come to a mutually acceptable solution.
Maintain routine where you can
Routine makes children feel safe. While their new ‘normal’ might come with some changes, it’s important to try and maintain a routine where you can.
Stay consistent with set days spent with each parent. Keep days structured with regular mealtimes and bedtimes across each household. Agree on meeting at the same place for every drop-off and pickup.
While you may need to be flexible at times, try to keep your joint child custody arrangements as predictable as possible, and remember to keep your child in the loop with as much notice as possible when things change.
Don’t put your child in the middle
No matter what your personal relationship is like, it’s essential to keep any issues with your co-parent away from your child. The last thing a child wants is to feel like they have to pick a side with their parents.
Avoid speaking negatively about your ex around your child. Your child deserves a relationship with their other parent, and complaining about them could unfairly influence their feelings. If you need to vent your frustrations or talk through your concerns, speak to a trusted friend or professional.
You should also avoid using your child as a messenger to get information to your ex. Always call, text, or email them directly. Seeing your relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your child’s welfare can help you communicate in a civil and respectful manner.
Having a hard time agreeing on joint child custody arrangements? RAQ offers support for families who are considering separation, currently going through separation, or who have already separated. To find out what services might suit you, please call us on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm Monday-Friday or 10am-4pm Saturday.