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Recovering from a job lay-off… Thoughts about the Yabulu Nickel Refinery.

With the recent Yabulu Nickel Refinery lay-offs, many members of our Townsville community are affected—with retrenched workers facing an uncertain future and worry, or even panic, about their family’s financial situation.

The pressures and insecurity facing these miners will be familiar to anyone who has been unexpectedly laid off, retrenched, or ‘made redundant’ from their job… and in addition to the financial impacts, we understand that the emotional consequences of job loss can also be extremely difficult.

The resulting stress of redundancy can tip a pretty healthy and functional relationship into one which is in trouble, and while these relationship issues tend to be after-effects, noticed long after the initial financial impacts are felt, they are extremely important to consider and address.

If you are facing redundancy, we encourage you to pay close attention to your relationship, and be reassured that there are several organisations, including Relationships Australia, who offer emotional support, counselling, and practical solutions for the range of impacts you may be facing. It’s important to know that Relationships Australia also offers fee reduction possibilities for clients facing financial hardship.

If you have been laid-off, we understand the full range of worries you may be having and seek to support you with decision-making, planning, and working through the complex range of emotions which may arise during this difficult time.

Examples of early worries:

  • How will we pay our bills?
  • Will we have to move house?
  • Will the kids be able to stay in private school?
  • Where will I find another job (especially when 237 others are also looking for work)
  • Will we have to relocate to another town?
  • Will we lose our private health insurance?  What about my super? 

This can be exacerbated in cases of large lay-offs, as the ability to find other work or sell a house is threatened by the situation when lots of others are in the same boat. 

When you attend counselling, we can help you plan how to best cope with the financial uncertainty these situations cause. 

Issues which can surface once the shock is over:

  • Existential worries, such, as ‘How can I be a good parent/partner if I can’t provide for my kids/partner?’
  • Embarrassment over the decrease in income and how it affects one’s lifestyle (no more great vacations, have to downgrade to a cheaper car, etc.)
  • Embarrassment at an inability to pay outstanding bills in a timely manner
  • The need to defer routine things formerly taken for granted, such as medical and dental visits, car servicing, etc. 
  • Stress associated with maxing out available credit to make ends meet.

These sorts of issues are common among those affected by job layoffs, and are best addressed in individual and couples counselling.  As it can be difficult to access counselling during times of hardship, Relationships Australia (Qld) offers fee reduction for families with financial hardship.

Impact of job loss on the individual directly affected may include:

  • Loss of self-esteem (can’t provide for the family, especially if the skill isn’t transferable to another job)
  • Depression and anxiety
  • Anger over the circumstances of the lay-off
  • Decreased motivation
  • Increase in unhealthy coping strategies including increased use of alcohol, drugs and gambling
  • Loss of self-confidence and sense of self-worth
  • These impacts may be heightened with older workers who may be less employable than their younger counterparts.

Stress, depression and anxiety are common following unexpected job layoffs.  Although your GP should be consulted in significant cases of depression or anxiety, many people find that counselling can also be very beneficial.  Trained counsellors can help develop better coping strategies which can assist in alleviating some of these symptoms.

Impact on the spouse/partner:

  • May have to find a job, increase hours, or work two jobs to help out financially
  • May resent the added pressure to help out, or the decreased time to focus on things previously important to him/her
  • May feel distance from the partner which contributes to relationship tensions
  • May resent having to relocate to another town. 

Partners are in a unique situation, as they typically want to support and assist the person laid off, but may have their own set of individual worries and stresses.  Individual counselling can often be helpful, and often is a short term rather than long term need. 

Impact on the couple:

  • Increase in stress and tension in the relationship
  • More fighting, less sex, less ‘fun time’
  • Less money to go out on ‘date nights’
  • Unfairly placing blame on the other person (‘If you had been a better employee you wouldn’t have been one of the ones laid off’)

Relationships are difficult under the best of circumstances, and stresses such as job loss can really complicate even an otherwise stable relationship.  Early intervention with couples counselling can be an essential part of the strategy to manage during such a stressful time. 

Impact on the kids:

  • Depending on their age and how much they know about the situation, they may have worries about what it means for them as a family.  Can Johnny still play footy?  Can Susie still take ballet?  Can they still go out for dinner every Friday night? 
  • Distress at seeing conflict between parents.
  • Generalised anxiety about what this job loss will mean to them individually as well as the family.

Services for the children, or for the family as a whole include family counselling, counselling for kids, and case management serves for families who are struggling as a whole.  It is important not to underestimate the impact on children of any age.   

 

If you have experienced hardship, loss, or struggle in any situation, we are here to help. Our programs cover a wide range of issues, and if there is a situation in which we cannot assist, we will do our best to direct you to someone who can. Please call us on 1300 364 277 for more information or to make a booking to talk with a counsellor.

 

 

New website to support those living with chronic illness

Relationships Australia (National) recently launched a new website, www.humankind-relationships.com.au to support people living with chronic illness and their loved ones to achieve positive and respectful relationships.
Humankind provides relationship information, support and resources appropriate for people living with a chronic illness and for the families, friends and practitioners that support them. 

“All couples experience hard times, though living with a chronic illness or with a partner who is chronically ill can have a dramatic impact on your relationship,” Alison Brook, National Executive Officer Relationships Australia said. 
“When dealing with chronic illness relationship issues are often overlooked, however the research tells us that good relationship health is fundamental to overall wellbeing. Working to improve your most important relationships can lead to better health outcomes. This is what the Humankind website aims to help people do,” Ms. Brook said.

The name Humankind comes from the notion that it is human to experience chronic illness and it is natural for humans to want to help each other when times are tough.  Being kind is the corner stone to healthy and long lasting relationships.  The message from Humankind is to be kind to yourself and others.

Humankind was developed by Relationships Australia with the assistance of a Health Access Grant from Medtronic, a global leader in medical technology.

 

Conflict… Start the new year with a challenge to manage it well.

written by Jude, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and Relationship Counsellor @ Relationships Australia Qld

Conflict is invariably seen as negative and therefore has the power to become destructive. But conflict can be positive if handled thoughtfully. For this to happen each person needs to accept responsibility for resolution. We only have three choices in life – put up with things the way they are; make changes that give a greater level of satisfaction; or walk away.  Sometimes this can be a difficult choice especially when the conflict is within an intimate relationship.

In the main there are four things that have the potential to light the fuse.

  1. In most arguments each person insists that they are right.  This of course means that someone has to be wrong.  I wonder who becomes the umpire.
  2. Not listening and not engaging displays arrogance, disinterest and disrespect.  Resolving conflict requires a commitment to move forward and therefore it requires attention and intention and an acknowledgement that it takes at least two people to continue to battle.
  3. When we judge another person or assume we know what they want; what they feel or what they are thinking, there is an essence of superiority.  “I know more about it than you”,  “You know you don’t like going to the beach”,  waves a red flag.
  4. Unresolved conflict will escalate when aggression moves to anger and rage.  Similarly passive behavior, “Whatever you want”, will also ensure the problem remains a problem.  Assertiveness lets the other person know how you feel, what you would like if it is said with respect.

So, there are a few things that can become indelible and remain in our unconscious competence when faced with a conflictual situation.

  • BE CURIOUS NOT FURIOUS.  Rage and fury escalate conflict – being curious leads to solving the problem. “How do you think we could approach this?”, Are you feeling OK to talk?”, “I can see you are upset, what do you need right now?”. Curiosity increases understanding, helps to engage the other person, gathers information, focuses on feelings and demonstrates hope.
  • DELETE FROM THE VOCABULARY words like always, never, just and do not start sentences with the judgement word you, “You always carry on like this.”.
  • FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOUR which raised the blood pressure, not on the person. This means being aware of body language. It is amazing how a raised eyebrow or hands on hips can be seen as provocation. Keeping the conversation about behaviour reduces the emotion which reduces the tension.
  • BE HONEST AND HUMBLE.  This goes a long way. Owning up to a mistake, not justifying or defending or blaming can sometimes stop an argument in its tracks.
  • ACKNOWLEDGE THE EFFECT your behaviour has on the recipient and validate the feeling it creates. If you accidentally step on someone’s foot their pain is the same as if you did it on purpose.

Very few conflicts come without warning. Many years ago an Oprah Winfrey episode described how easily conflict can escalate.  This is how it went: We can often get a whisper of something unsettling. If unheeded this whisper becomes a message. If not addressed this message becomes a problem which has the potential to become a crisis or even a disaster.

How true the old cliché is – we cannot change someone else, and we cannot change the past, but we can always change our attitude.

— Jude, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and Relationship Counsellor @ Relationships Australia Qld

 

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Alone this Christmas? Tips to get through the festive season…

So here we are… the festive season is here. The stores have decorations and displays, Christmas parties are happening, festive movies on telly, and lights are going up on peoples houses and in the streets. It is really is a time of getting together and having a jolly time; but what if you are not in a position to spend it with the one(s) you would rather be with? Though you may be ‘alone’ this year, you can do something to help yourself focus on making yourself “merry” during the holidays.

  • If you are lonely, show up where people are. Invite close friends to be with you. Ask a friend to help you donate toys/clothing to various charities. Volunteer to help prepare and serve food at a local soup kitchen.
  • Exercise and keep those endorphins pumping (the hormones which make us feel relaxed and happy).
  • Choose HEALTHY food. Pick food which will stabilise your blood sugar not send you on a sugar craze.
  • Decorate your house or apartment. Do it for YOU.
  • If visits from certain people during the holidays in the past have affected you in a negative way, assert yourself. Let them know that “No, but thanks for asking”. You don’t have to make excuses or defend yourself. They may expect you to give an excuse, but you don’t have to.
  • Practice gratitude. Be thankful for all the things you DO have and avoid focusing on what you lack. Make a list.
  • If you have children or loved ones who come to visit, do your best to create an atmosphere which focuses on “doing” rather than “having”. Plan holiday activities; make your own holiday decorations.
  • Read a good book; one which will help you focus on being the best person you can be and help you understand that the only relationship you have total responsibility for is the one you have with yourself.
  • Have your “First annual Christmas” feast for other single friends. Make sure everyone gets involved so that you are not doing all the work. Have them bring their favourite dish to share.
  • Host an alcohol-free drive to look at the Christmas lights
  • Visit a nursing home. Statistics show that many elderly people are often forgotten during the holidays. Your visit will ALWAYS be appreciated.
  • Avoid alcohol and party drugs. If you are already feeling down, alcohol depletes the brain of serotonin, a chemical it needs to maintain normal mood.
  • Be Santa Clause/Mrs Clause to others this year. Run an ad, rent yourself out, or do it for free. When you bring joy to others, a little of it always stays with the giver.
  • Go to the Carols by Candlelight. Sing-a-long. Singing also gets endorphins going.
  • Don’t depend on someone else to make your season bright. You alone must do whatever it takes to do that.

Most of all, have fun, create memories; defy tradition, and start your own. As the famous Joseph Newton said “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges,” so maybe during the festive season, while everyone is full of holiday cheer, it is a good time to knock down some walls or start construction on a few bridges. 

 

If you would like to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, call us on 1300 364 277 to arrange to see a counsellor. 

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Communication Short Circuit

Communication is one of those things which we all do in one way or another. There are literally hundreds of ways in which communication can be misunderstood or misinterpreted. In the land of simplicity, when we communicate one person sends a message and the other person receives it; doesn’t seem that hard, does it? 

I have worked as a mediator and in the field of dispute resolution/conflict management for around 17 years, so I consider myself one pretty aware communicator; essentially communication is the core of my job. Yet I received a wakeup call, a reminder of just how fragile communication is.

We have a one year old daughter whose baby sitter is going overseas. Obviously we needed someone and decided that my husband would take leave and stay at home. I checked the dates and told him that he would need to take from the 16th Feb until the 2nd March off. His work needs 2 months’ notice so late November my hubby’s leave was approved. Right, that’s organised.

Then a very confusing conversation developed where my hubby explains that the boss wants him to work away from the 6th until the 16th of Feb. I ask if he’ll be back before I leave for work on the 16th. It gets very confusing from this point and I feel completely lost as we both try to make sense of what the other is on about. I’m definitely missing something. Clarity chimes as he finally says “I thought the 16th was my last day of work and my first day home is the 17th.”

What! How on earth could he think that? How could he have possibly gotten that out of what I’d said? “I said you’ll need to take from the 16th Feb until the 2nd March off,” I repeat to him. What was unclear about that?

More confusion. He explains that he thought I meant that the 16th would be his last day of work before his leave and then the 2nd would be his first day back at work after his leave.

I’m completely beside myself with disbelief. How could he not have known what I meant? It was totally clear and obvious, wasn’t it? Anyone would have known what I meant; after all I’m a clear communicator, aren’t I? When I’d gotten over myself, I considered this. 

It is definitely evident that the message I had sent was not received or interpreted in the same way. There had been an assumption, a short circuit, and it had happened so easily.

My husband and I were working together towards the same goal. Imagine if we weren’t; if we were separated parents and communication was tense and difficult to start with. Luckily, we’re on the same team and definitely not adversaries. Yet this one simple short circuit caused incredible confusion and took time to work out what we both meant because of our different understanding from that one comment of mine. Yep, communication appears easy but is easily short circuited.

Oh and we have someone to look after our little girl.   

 

— Carolyn is a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner @ Relationships Australia Qld

** If you could like help with making arrangements and agreements following separation, or any other issue which requires support, please call us on 1300 364 277 to discuss your options.

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Is your Christmas enjoyable or exhausting?

Am I the only one or do you also get a feeling of dread when you go into a store after Father’s Day and begin to see all the Christmas decorations being put on the shelves?  “Christmas is all about family,” they say, and it is, but what happens when the thought of family all together also brings a feeling of dread?  Will there be a scene this year? Will they all get on and be one happy family? Will someone drink too much and offend everyone?  Or even worse, will I be able to afford Christmas this year, presents, food, holidays..?

Now don’t read this and panic, there is a way through – planning is always a life saver.  If you haven’t had time to do it this year, just hang on for the ride and perhaps next year you can be more prepared. 

Here are some ideas:

  • Start early talk to family and see what everyone is doing
  • If there is a rift in the family, Christmas may not be the ideal time to sort this out. Invite family who don’t get on to come on different days over the holiday time.
  • Know what YOU want to do.  This is important because you want to enjoy yourself, so work out what is going to be the best for you.  Don’t be pressured into doing something you don’t want to do.
  • Instead of a big lunch with all the trimmings, plan a picnic at the beach.
  • …Or a lunch at home and ask everyone to contribute to the meal.
  • Plan a secret Santa with a dollar amount, or small gifts to a $5 amount.   It can be fun trying to find something for a small amount of money.  I have two bunches of grapes on my wine rack that I won at a secret Santa and every time I look at them I remember the fun we had on the day.
  • Have plenty of non-alcoholic drinks available – water, punches, iced tea. 

For me Christmas can be stressful but also fun.  I have learned to step back and watch enjoying the differences and dysfunctions of all of my family and knowing that I am not in control of anyone else… All I can do is look after me and help others to stay safe and enjoy the day. 

So Merry Christmas everyone, enjoy the holiday season, stay safe and create some great memories.

 

— Val, Relationship and Family Counsellor @ Relationships Australia Qld

 

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Christmas after separation… Making it special for the kids.

Most of us would like to give our kids a Christmas day to remember.Watching them shake Christmas presents to guess what is inside, and being there as their eyes light up when they open their gifts, can be some of the most rewarding times as a parent. It is no wonder that sorting out contact arrangements for Christmas day after a family separation can be extremely stressful for many parents.

Old wounds quickly rear their head when it comes to deciding where the children will go on Christmas day. Some common complaints are “I’ve cooked, cleaned, nursed and raised those kids without any help from him/her, why should he/she get them for the most special day of the year?” or “She/he has a new partner, I’m going to be alone, the kids should be with me” or “I deserve to be with my kids on Christmas day, he/she has never shown an interest in them until now”. The list is endless, but the common thread to most reasons is they are about what parents need and what parents want.

Being a child focused parent means putting the needs of your child first. Sounds easy doesn’t it? When faced with making descions about such an emotional topic, sadly our sense of what’s best for our kids can be replaced by our own wants. Putting your kids first can take some practice, but here are some reminders to help keep you on track:

  • Your children will still want to spend special time with both of you no matter how good/bad your ex-partner has been at parenting in the past
  • Let them know you care and want to celebrate with them in your own special way. This is the most important thing, no matter which parent has the children on Christmas Day
  • Time with your children should be positive and stress-free

Remember, saying negative things about your ex-partner is just as hurtful to your child as saying nasty things about them.

It is really important for you and your ex-partner to discuss what the children will do on Christmas day before telling them. This way, children can be protected from any hostility and conflict which may arise. Where children are involved in the decision making process make sure that they don’t feel their choices will hurt either parent’s feelings. Reassuring them that Christmas day is about what they want, and that mum and dad will be happy and continue to love them no matter what decision they make can help everyone enjoy Christmas.

Here are some suggestions for Christmas contact arrangements:

  • If parent’s live some distance from each other, children could spend Christmas Eve to Boxing Day with each parent on alternate years
  • If parent’s live close to each other, the children could spend time with one parent from Christmas Eve to 2:00pm on Christmas Day for example, and with the other parent until Boxing Day. The parents can then swap this arrangment over next year.

Remember that there are many things you can do with your children to celebrate Christmas even if they are not with you for the actual day e.g., Carols by Candelight, present shopping, decorating the Christmas tree, handmaking a special gift, speaking on the phone or webcam, or sending them a letter. The most important thing to remember is to make sure your children have good memories of Christmas. This means keeping your children out of any conflict, and making sure their needs are put first in any decisions that are made.

If you are unable to sort out contact arrangments amicably and would like to talk to someone about how to do so, Relationships Australia offers Counselling, Mediation and the Children’s Contact Service. Please call 1300 364 277 for further information and/or to make an appointment. 

 

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Why is marriage such a big issue for gay couples?

Facilitating Difficult Conversations, Towards a Richer Society 

Written by Chris, Rainbow Program Leader @ Relationships Australia Qld

“Why is marriage such a big issue for gay couples?”, she asked. “Surely there are more important things to fight for?” I was taking questions during a Rainbow Program training session on legal rights for same-gender couples and, on the face of it, this trainee may have had a point.

There is still a range of social justice issues impacting the lives of Queensland’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people, which may seem far more important than marriage: A ban on same-gender couple adoption, an absence of safe accommodation for people undergoing gender transition or escaping same-gender domestic abuse, unequal age of consent and inadequate support for sexually and gender-diverse students in schools, to name a few.

So why are we so hung up on marriage?

It’s important to note that in Australia legislation is divided between state and federal powers. The recognition of same-gender partnership varies in name and deed between the various states and territories. Marriage is the one overarching legal construct, which is understood across the country, removing ambiguity in critical situations such as hospital visitation, powers of attorney and deceased estates. Many same-gender couples, whose extended families are hostile to their domestic situation, remain legally vulnerable while they are unmarried.

But there is another conversation to be had here and it connects to questions of social equity and inclusion, which are central to the work of organisations like Relationships Australia Queensland. Because at the heart of every culture on earth, in some shape or form, is the formal union of two people. It paves the way for the creation of family and it is the gateway through which we have traditionally passed, to access full membership of our community. It is not called ‘civil union’ or ‘legal partnership’. It is called ‘marriage’.

Since the sexual revolution, many couples have made the choice to turn their backs on the institution of marriage, although arguably that has not lessened its power as a symbol of family and community connectedness.

There was a time before ramps, when wheelchair users were prevented from entering public buildings and a time before that when women were denied access to the political process and the doors of social establishments remained firmly closed to Aboriginal people. We have learnt that exclusion and social ostracism ultimately hurt us all, negating the social cohesion needed for a society to thrive and its people to flourish.  

The national conversation around marriage equality is complex and multi-faceted, inevitably stirring the deep waters of moral reasoning and spiritual conviction. RAQ is committed to facilitating the difficult conversations, with a compassionate ear and respect for our diverse views, towards a wiser and richer society.  

 

— Chris, Rainbow Program Leader @ Relationships Australia Qld

** If you identify as LBGTIQ and would like support of any kind, please call us on 1300 364 277 to arrange a meeting with one of our Rainbow Program counsellors.

 

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Families and their impact on our lives

The question often asked by counsellors is “So what was your childhood like?”, “How did you get on with your mother, father, siblings?” … Have you ever wondered why we ask these questions?

People will say, “You can’t blame your parents for everything. You have to grow up, make your own decisions and take responsibility for your own life.” Which is true, but the legacy of childhood is not always understood or even recognised as a contributing factor of how we make decisions or how we interact with our current family, friends and children.

The fact is we all come from, and grew up in, families. They are many and varied, single parent families, blended families, same sex parents, grandparents raising their grandchildren, or siblings taking responsibility for parenting, adoptive parents. There is no limit to the different types of families, but the truth is we all live in families or are part of extended families and friends.

Families help to shape us into the people we are today. Often we don’t realise the impact the family we grew up in has on our current lives. Were you the first born, middle child or baby of the family? Even this plays a part in how we act as adults; it can determine how we interact with our spouse, our children, our friendship circle and even in our workplace. Family therapists such as Murray Bowen, Virginia Satir and Salvador Minuchin, have been working in this theory since the 1950’s.

How you were disciplined, and whether you felt loved or accepted, all impact upon you today. Have you ever heard yourself sounding just like your mother or your father, or even worse has your partner ever said to you, “When you said that you sounded just like your mother!”, and you had vowed never to be like your parent!

You will always carry the legacy of your childhood – some good, some bad. It has helped make you into the person you are today; but wouldn’t you like to be more in control and know why you sometimes say the things you do or react the way you do? Counselling can help you gain clarity by exploring your feelings and emotions in a safe place where problems and issues can be understood.

Counsellors are able to help you work through issues in your life. They can help you make sense of the things which may get in the way of you growing and developing to your full potential in life. By asking the question, “So what was your childhood like?”, they help guide you through the things you remember as important from your childhood, the things which helped shape you into the person you are today. This will help you understand yourself and you will be able to make wiser, more informed and less reactive decisions. . This will ultimately make you a better partner, parent, friend.

Val, Relationship and Family Counsellor @ Relationships Australia Qld

 

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Dealing or living with anxiety

Have you found yourself lost in your thoughts about the future, thinking about what you need to do the next hour or the next day? Maybe you started to feel anxious or overwhelmed about all those things you have to get done, something which may become an issue or maybe there’s something you cannot avoid any longer. If you have a brain similar to mine and lots of other people, you probably answered yes to this question.

Anxiety shows up for many of us when we start thinking about the future. “Dealing or living with anxiety” comes up in several session with clients that I work with. Evidence backs up the idea that when we are in the present moment and in touch with what is happening within ourselves and around us, this helps lower the anxiety*.

There are several ways we can help ourselves focus on the present time rather than being sucked into our thoughts and feeling about what may or may not happen in the future. Mindfulness exercises are one of these ways. Here are three simple mindfulness exercises which can help you be present.

One minute breathing: As the name suggests, this exercise is about focusing on your breathing for one minute. You can do this exercise anywhere at any time. You can start by breathing out slowly and letting your lungs get filled by air effortlessly. As you are breathing out again, notice the changes that are happening in your body. How does your body expand when you breath in? What does the air feel like in your nostrils? Notice that the air feels warmer as you are breathing out.

Notice five things: When you catch yourself lost in thought about the future, notice five things you can see around you (a wall, a chair, a clock, a bag a computer screen etc) , notice five things you can hear (a car engine outside, the noise of the clock, a person walking by etc.) and notice five things you can feel (the chair that I am sitting on is firm, my feet are warm, my eyes are dry etc.)

Two mindful bites: For the first two bites of any meal you eat, pay attention to these aspects of the bites: The smell and appearance of the food, the sound it makes when you bite it and texture and taste of the food as you are chewing it.

You might find it challenging to do these exercises initially because it is not our usual way of doing things. Think of this as a muscle that you have never used or did not know it existed. It might feel awkward to start with but you need to keep practising it so that it becomes stronger over time. As you are trying these exercises you might notice your mind wandering into the future or past. When this happens, gently bring your mind to the exercise at hand and try again. Also, practising with a trained counsellor can make things easier and help you strengthen these skills and others to live and deal with anxiety. If you would like further support feel free to ring us on 1300 364 277 to book a session with a counsellor.

 

— Gamze, Counsellor @ Relationships Australia Qld

*The mindful way through Anxiety by Susan M. Orsillo, Lizabeth Roemer 2011

 

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