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Facilitating Difficult Conversations, Towards a Richer Society 

Written by Chris, Rainbow Program Leader @ Relationships Australia Qld

“Why is marriage such a big issue for gay couples?”, she asked. “Surely there are more important things to fight for?” I was taking questions during a Rainbow Program training session on legal rights for same-gender couples and, on the face of it, this trainee may have had a point.

There is still a range of social justice issues impacting the lives of Queensland’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people, which may seem far more important than marriage: A ban on same-gender couple adoption, an absence of safe accommodation for people undergoing gender transition or escaping same-gender domestic abuse, unequal age of consent and inadequate support for sexually and gender-diverse students in schools, to name a few.

So why are we so hung up on marriage?

It’s important to note that in Australia legislation is divided between state and federal powers. The recognition of same-gender partnership varies in name and deed between the various states and territories. Marriage is the one overarching legal construct, which is understood across the country, removing ambiguity in critical situations such as hospital visitation, powers of attorney and deceased estates. Many same-gender couples, whose extended families are hostile to their domestic situation, remain legally vulnerable while they are unmarried.

But there is another conversation to be had here and it connects to questions of social equity and inclusion, which are central to the work of organisations like Relationships Australia Queensland. Because at the heart of every culture on earth, in some shape or form, is the formal union of two people. It paves the way for the creation of family and it is the gateway through which we have traditionally passed, to access full membership of our community. It is not called ‘civil union’ or ‘legal partnership’. It is called ‘marriage’.

Since the sexual revolution, many couples have made the choice to turn their backs on the institution of marriage, although arguably that has not lessened its power as a symbol of family and community connectedness.

There was a time before ramps, when wheelchair users were prevented from entering public buildings and a time before that when women were denied access to the political process and the doors of social establishments remained firmly closed to Aboriginal people. We have learnt that exclusion and social ostracism ultimately hurt us all, negating the social cohesion needed for a society to thrive and its people to flourish.  

The national conversation around marriage equality is complex and multi-faceted, inevitably stirring the deep waters of moral reasoning and spiritual conviction. RAQ is committed to facilitating the difficult conversations, with a compassionate ear and respect for our diverse views, towards a wiser and richer society.  

 

— Chris, Rainbow Program Leader @ Relationships Australia Qld

** If you identify as LBGTIQ and would like support of any kind, please call us on 1300 364 277 to arrange a meeting with one of our Rainbow Program counsellors.

 

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The question often asked by counsellors is “So what was your childhood like?”, “How did you get on with your mother, father, siblings?” … Have you ever wondered why we ask these questions?

People will say, “You can’t blame your parents for everything. You have to grow up, make your own decisions and take responsibility for your own life.” Which is true, but the legacy of childhood is not always understood or even recognised as a contributing factor of how we make decisions or how we interact with our current family, friends and children.

The fact is we all come from, and grew up in, families. They are many and varied, single parent families, blended families, same sex parents, grandparents raising their grandchildren, or siblings taking responsibility for parenting, adoptive parents. There is no limit to the different types of families, but the truth is we all live in families or are part of extended families and friends.

Families help to shape us into the people we are today. Often we don’t realise the impact the family we grew up in has on our current lives. Were you the first born, middle child or baby of the family? Even this plays a part in how we act as adults; it can determine how we interact with our spouse, our children, our friendship circle and even in our workplace. Family therapists such as Murray Bowen, Virginia Satir and Salvador Minuchin, have been working in this theory since the 1950’s.

How you were disciplined, and whether you felt loved or accepted, all impact upon you today. Have you ever heard yourself sounding just like your mother or your father, or even worse has your partner ever said to you, “When you said that you sounded just like your mother!”, and you had vowed never to be like your parent!

You will always carry the legacy of your childhood – some good, some bad. It has helped make you into the person you are today; but wouldn’t you like to be more in control and know why you sometimes say the things you do or react the way you do? Counselling can help you gain clarity by exploring your feelings and emotions in a safe place where problems and issues can be understood.

Counsellors are able to help you work through issues in your life. They can help you make sense of the things which may get in the way of you growing and developing to your full potential in life. By asking the question, “So what was your childhood like?”, they help guide you through the things you remember as important from your childhood, the things which helped shape you into the person you are today. This will help you understand yourself and you will be able to make wiser, more informed and less reactive decisions. . This will ultimately make you a better partner, parent, friend.

— Val, Relationship and Family Counsellor @ Relationships Australia Qld

 

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This information may help someone you know. Please share this blog by using the orange SHARE link at the top of the page. You can also subscribe to receive future blogs straight to your inbox (using the SUBSCRIBE box to the right of this page).

2014-15 has been an important year on the calendar for the efforts to put an end to domestic and family violence in Queensland. 

The Special Taskforce on Domestic and Family Violence delivered its report to the Premier of Queensland in February.  The report outlines recommendations that are intended to provide a framework to inform the creation of a State wide domestic and family violence prevention strategy. 

The Australian of the Year award for 2015 was awarded to Rosie Batty for her powerful work as a family violence campaigner following the tragic murder of her 11 year old son, Luke, at the hands of his father. 

Despite the increased profile of domestic and family violence prevention in Australia, women (and their children) as still dying and suffering at an alarming rate at the hands of current and previous partners.  Australian police deal with an estimated 657 domestic violence matters on average every day of the year. That’s a devastating one every two minutes.

Much of the important work RAQ does is in the space of supporting victims and survivors of domestic and family violence, and across all our programs we work with vulnerable clients, including children who have been impacted by domestic and family violence.

Our range of services within the domestic and family violence space (including male perpetrator programs) hold the safety and wellbeing of women and children as a priority, and encompass information, advice and practical support. In addition, RAQ is a strong advocate in the community for promoting healthy and respectful relationships.

Our current offerings include:

•           Counselling for women

•           Counselling for children

•           Court support

•           Service system support

•           Men’s perpetrator intervention service which includes individual and group work for men who perpetrate D/FV in relationships

Through our Victims Counselling and Support Service, we are increasing our work with the Queensland Police Service who are so often the first point of contact for victims.  Equally, we are focused on violence prevention in the support we provide through our family and relationship support services as well as our targeted men’s behaviour programs. 

For more information or to book an appointment, call RAQ on 1300 364 277 or Victims Counselling Support Service (run by RAQ) on 1300 139 703.

The question often asked by counsellors is, “So what was your childhood like? … How did you get on with your mother, father, siblings?”

Have you ever wondered why we ask this question?

People will say, “You can’t blame your parents for everything. You have to grow up, make your own decisions, and take responsibility for your own life.” While this is true, the legacy of childhood is not always understood or even recognised as a contributing factor of how we make decisions, or how we interact with our current family, friends, and children.

The simple fact is – we all come from, and grew up in, families. They are many and varied – single parent families, blended families, same sex parents, grandparents raising their grandchildren, or siblings taking responsibility for parenting, adoptive parents. There is no limit to the different types of families, but the truth is – we all live in families or are part of extended families and friends.

Families help to shape us into the people we are today. Often we don’t realise the impact that the family we grew up in has on our current lives.  Were you the first born, middle child or baby of the family? Even this plays a part in how we act as adults. It can determine how we interact with our spouse, our children, our friendship circle, and even in our workplace.  Family therapists such as Murray Bowen, Virginia Satir and Salvador Minuchin, have been working in this theory since the 1950’s.

How you were disciplined, and whether you felt loved or accepted, all impact on you today.  Have you ever heard yourself sounding just like your mother or your father? … Or even worse, has your partner ever said to you “When you said that you sounded just like your mother!” … and you had vowed never to be like your parents!

You will always carry the legacy of your childhood — some good, some bad. It has helped make you into the person you are today… But wouldn’t you like to be more in control and know why you sometimes say the things you do or react the way you do?  Counselling can help you gain clarity by exploring your feelings and emotions in a safe place, where problems and issues can be understood.

Counsellors are able to help you work through issues in your life.  They can help you make sense of the things which may get in the way of you growing and developing to your full potential in life.  By asking the question “So what was your childhood like?” they help guide you through the things you remember as important from your childhood; the things which helped shape you into the person you are today. This will help you understand yourself better, and you will be able to make wiser, more informed, and less reactive decisions… which will ultimately make you a better partner, parent, and friend.

—————————————

Val Holden is a Relationship and Family Counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland.

 

Image from Andres Rodriguez @ 123rf.com

Love it or hate it, Fifty Shades of Grey is certainly a hot topic at the moment. A story of two people many would say are mismatched—brought together by lust and sexual attraction. One unworldly and innocent, the other carrying hurts from the past, motivating a need to feel powerful and in control. Do we always fall in love with the right person or make wise logical choices when we are infatuated or attracted to someone? Love can sometimes take us by surprise and we can desire someone for many different reasons. The drive we feel to connect with another person is essentially ‘something’ inside us being attracted to something in the other person, and this may not always be a healthy relationship decision for us.

When asked what we would want our relationship to look like—we would all answer happy, respectful, loving—but the relationships we end up with don’t always represent what we were looking or hoping for.

To help us make the right choices for our future relationships we need to ask ourselves—what does a healthy relationship look like? It can be described as an equal partnership between two people. Understanding, respect, trust, love and commitment to each other form the foundations for healthy relationships. John Gottman’s research shows that to make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflict, and create ways to support each other’s hopes for the future.

To achieve a healthy relationship we must also reflect on our own input into our relationship. Are we committed to the other person? Are we prepared to own our faults and forgive our partner theirs? Do we know how to ‘repair’ after arguments? In a healthy relationship we can learn from conflicts, and by resolving these conflicts we learn ways which work for each partner. Partners need to be able to listen attentively to each other’s points of view and not get stuck in defensive behaviour or the need to be right and having to ‘win’.

A healthy relationship evolves as relationships go through transitions and changes. Examples of these situations may be a new baby, a financial change, moving home, death of a parent, child leaving home, retirement etc. Through all these transition periods each partner is learning and growing through the relationship. Perhaps surprisingly, this growth is often achieved through the conflicts that are so often part of the challenges being faced. Changes and conflict can provide fertile ground for learning when each partner’s intent is to learn, rather than to control or avoid being controlled. Partners need to learn how to navigate these changes in healthy and respectful ways.

Relationships often start with sexual attraction and desire, and this can be exciting and enjoyable—but for a relationship to continue to grow a develop healthily it takes two people to be committed to adapting, changing and developing as a person and a partner. Counselling can help with this and is available as a couple or as an individual. Whether seeing a counsellor together or alone, if you are willing to be self-reflective and grow, you can only enhance your relationship.

Val Holden is a Family and Relationship Counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland

UPDATE: Due to storm damage our Rockhampton venue will remain closed until at least the end of this week. We will provide further information about when it will reopen as it comes to hand. We apologise for any inconvenience. 

All other venues are operating as usual. 

If you have any questions please contact our Client Contact Centre on 1300 364 277.

The staff of Relationships Australia extend their sympathy to all those affected by the storm and hope for a swift recovery.

Family Relationship Stress at Christmas

It may come as no surprise – the latest Relationships Australia survey has found that close to 40% of men and 30% of women experience stress related to spending time with extended family, including in-laws at Christmas.

Around 850 people have responded to the online survey, which is currently available on the Relationships Australia website. The survey will close at the end of December.

“In managing Christmas stress it’s probably best to consider our own expectations of the big day. Our family and our life may not be exactly what we dream about, but we can manage our expectations, plan to look for the positives and focus on enjoying the season with goodwill,” said Alison Brook, National Executive Officer for Relationships Australia.

The mid-month survey results also showed that close to one third of male and female survey respondents indicated that work-life balance factors ‘extremely’ negatively affected their family relationships at Christmas or affected these relationships ‘quite a bit’.  One-third of people reported that financial worries affected their family relationships ‘extremely’ or ‘quite a bit’ at Christmas.

When asked about the effects of increased consumption of food, drugs, alcohol or gambling on their family relationships at Christmas, 16 per cent of men and women reported that these relationships were affected ‘quite a bit’ or ‘extremely’.  Similarly, around one-sixth of women (17%) reported their family relationships were affected ‘quite a bit’ or ‘extremely’ by different expectations, beliefs or values around Christmas.  In contrast, almost one-third of men (28%) reported significant effects on their family relationships due to this factor.

Around one-fifth of men and women responding to the monthly online survey reported their family relationships were affected ‘quite a bit’ or extremely’ by issues relating to children from a previous relationships at Christmas.  Given that this question has lower relevance to survey respondents than other questions, this result indicates a high rate of family relationship stress at Christmas for blended and/or separated families.

The top tips to survive and thrive this Christmas season include:

–    Have realistic expectations of yourself and others – try not to expect people to be what they are not

–    Work together as a team, rather than aim to be the ‘Masterchef’ yourself

–    Find time to ‘chill out’ – get some rest, drink lots of water and take time out every day of the holiday season

–    Practice forgiveness – it will make you feel better

–    Limit your intake of alcohol – behaviour can get out of hand

–    For separated families think of Christmas as a season, not just one day – enable children and adults to spread family visits over a few days

–    If you are alone, plan in advance to do something you enjoy or get together with a friend who is also alone

–    Agree to disagree on issues with friends and family

–    Say thanks to people that help out and focus on the things you are grateful for this year.

The Relationships Australia monthly survey provides a snapshot of how Australians are feeling about issues related to families, community connection, relationships and mental health. The survey is self-initiated and accessed via the Relationships Australia website. The December survey is focused on family stress at Christmas time.

Survey details:

Close to 850 people responded to the Relationships Australia’s online survey from December 1 to December 18.  Almost 80 per cent of survey respondents identified as female, with women outnumbering men in every age group. Almost 90 per cent of survey respondents were aged between 20-59 years. The peak response category related to women aged from 30 to 39 years.

About Relationships Australia:

Relationships Australia provides counselling for individuals couples and families; parenting and relationship education; support for families going through separation; specialist services for young people leaving out of home care, refugee families and Aboriginal communities; workplace counselling and training; employee assistance programs for companies; and training for family support professionals. Relationships Australia is part of a national network of over 150 centres.

 

To find out more about Relationships Australia services call 1300 364 277.

If you are in crisis phone Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Welcome to our regular Family Friday Fun post. This is a great place to start if you’re looking for something fun to do with your kids? Every Friday we’ll bring you activities, suggestions and inspiration to encourage a bit of Family Friday Fun.  #FamilyFridayFun #FFF

Make Your Own Play Dough

Play dough is a fun way to encourage creativity in young children. It’s easy and cheap to make at home and when the fun is finished it can be stored in an airtight container for another day. Play dough can also be educational as children explore imagination, shapes, colours and use their fine motor skills.

There are many make-at-home play dough recipes, below are two of our favourites including a no cook version. Best of all these make-at-home recipes are non-toxic so suitable for children. This activity is most suited for children over three years of age.    

No Cook Play Dough Recipe

• 3/4 cup salt
• 2 – 3 cups flour
• 1 tbsp vegetable oil
• 1 tsp food colouring
• 2 tbsp cream of tartar
• 1 cup water

Mix all the dry ingredients and then add oil. Add food colouring to water. Slowly add water to dry ingredients until desired consistency is reached. Kneading improves texture.

Basic Play Dough Recipe

• 1 cup flour
• 1 cup water
• 1/2 cup cooking salt
• 1 tbsp of cooking oil
• 1 tbsp of cream of tartar
• food colouring

Mix the flour, water, salt and cream of tartar in a saucepan over medium heat until thick. Allow the mixture to cool and then add the oil and knead well over a floured board or bench. Divide play dough evenly into as many colours as you’d like to make. Add food colouring to each ball until it is the desired colour.

Now you have the play dough why not try the following:

• If you made a variety of colours, try mixing together small amounts of different colours to make new colours.  
• Make leaf imprints by rolling or patting dough flat and then pressing the leaves into dough. Children can usually do this activity themselves once shown how.
• Encourage learning about shapes with play dough. Try drawing simple shapes on baking paper. Children can roll dough into ropes and use the ropes to outline the shapes. One step further is to have the child close their eyes and feel the shapes to identify them.

But most of all let their imaginations run wild and enjoy your Family Fun Friday. 

Who hasn’t encountered the typical end of the day scenario, when everyone in the family seems to be at the end of their tether, because of a rough and stressful day? We often take out our personal stresses on our partner or family, not realising there are very useful strategies which could reduce stress within our communication.

Spending time together at the end of the day, to talk about how the day went for each of you, can help manage the stress in life which is not related to the relationship.

To ensure this conversation has a calming-down effect, here are some guidelines

• Talk about whatever is on your mind outside your relationship.
• Take turns to be the talker (or complainer!) for 10 minutes each.
• Show genuine interest in what your partner is saying.  Ask questions. Use good eye contact and minimal encouragers such as “Uh-huh” and nodding.
• Take your partner’s side, even if you think their perspective is unreasonable. This is the time for emotional support, not analysis. (That may come later if desired.)
• Express a “we against others” attitude.
• Don’t give unwanted advice.  Avoid saying, “That’s not such a big issue. Why don’t you just…” (If you think advice is appropriate, check this. Ask whether they want you just to listen or to brainstorm solutions.)
• Express affection in ways your partner appreciates, by touch or words.

Validate your partner’s emotions, to show they make sense to you. “That’s so sad… That would worry me too… I can see you’re really upset.”

Allowing your partner to vent will reduce their stress and speed up their process of returning to more rational thoughts and positive feelings. If you avoid responses like the first, third, and fifth, your partner will probably start problem-solving about the issues more quickly than they would if you tried to point out all their errors!

This calming conversation can strengthen your relationship and make it harder to knock off course in the future.

*****************************

— Denise Reichenbach is an Educator and Counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland, and runs regular courses.– 

Denise’s upcoming courses at our Spring Hill venue are:

STEPFAMILY REALITIES: Tuesdays, 7 Oct-11 Nov

RELATIONSHIP MATTERS: Wednesdays, 15 Oct-19 Nov 

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Mondays, 13 Oct-17 Nov 

Most of us have been in the midst of very strong, overwhelming feelings, which seem to shake us, which make us feel like we are on a roller coaster ride. Sometimes these experiences can be so intense, we long for a break from these feelings, trying to catch a glimpse of more rational thoughts.

There are numerous techniques which can help us to process strong feelings, which result in ultimately letting them go. It’s useful to become aware of the more vulnerable feelings you experience below anger or frustration. Try these steps to process your vulnerable feelings.

1. Recognise the feeling
When a strong feeling comes up, find time (then or later) to sit in a calm place and breathe slowly. Close your eyes and let yourself really feel the emotion. This may be quite painful to do. Notice what part of your body feels the emotion. For example, your shoulders may be stiff or your face muscles tight. Is there a colour or image you can attach to the feeling? It may seem sharp and red, or dull and dark like a big boulder. Give the name a feeling, for example – sadness.

2. Express the feeling in words
Say aloud to yourself (or to another, trusted person), “I’m feeling …” You might say, “I’m feeling sad about the divorce.” Or it might be “I’m scared about what will happen with the children,” or “I feel powerless to stop the conflict with my ex.”

3. Clarify the feeling
Still sitting calmly, wait to see what else comes up for you as you reflect on this feeling. What are some more parts of this feeling? As well as sadness, you might feel some guilt for having left a relationship, or for being the one left behind: “It’s crazy, but I feel guilty because he/she left me. That’s very confusing.”

4. Find links with past experiences or feelings
Ask yourself, “When did I first have a feeling like this?” Your anger might be protecting you from a deeper, vulnerable emotion such as rejection or abandonment. You might trace this back to the past. “I felt the same way when my own parents fought.” Let yourself feel the whole of this experience. Don’t analyse, just get a sense of it all. Is there a name for ‘all of that’?

5. Accept the feeling
Feelings are not good or bad; they just are. Remember that feelings are not facts. And they are not the same things as actions. You can let yourself feel whatever you do feel, then you can still decide what you choose to DO. You might ask yourself, “What would it feel like if it was all okay?  What’s in the way of that? What’s in the way of feeling good, for me?”

**************************************

— Denise Reichenbach is an Educator and Counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland, and runs regular courses.–  

Denise’s upcoming courses at our Spring Hill venue are:

STEPFAMILY REALITIES: Tuesdays, 7 Oct-11 Nov 

RELATIONSHIP MATTERS: Wednesdays, 15 Oct-19 Nov

BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS: Mondays, 13 Oct-17 Nov