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We live in an age of crazy busy-ness. There is a constant demand for our attention, money and time.

Every single day, we are confronted with a myriad of choices in regard to how to live our life. We are spoilt with choice, when it comes to clothing, groceries and basically everything else.

It looks like we have all the freedom in the world, when in fact what we are really looking for is actually a lot more complex. Isn’t it interesting, that most people would rather choose to have more time and less pressures and responsibilities, than working tirelessly every day to afford the things that we might not even need?

Way back in the days when human beings were occupied with much simpler endeavours like trying not to get killed by wild animals, or having to hunt for survival, the world was a lot more back and white than it is now.

Today, we don’t need to equip ourselves with armour, or a special kind of weapon, to go the supermarket. Everything is laid out for us and our exchanges for survival are cold coins, notes and credit cards.

Our survival is not dependent on our physical strengths anymore, it is focused on how we can make a name for ourselves and be the best we can be. In the modern world, it is all about living life to the fullest, aiming for the best expression of your individual self.

This comes with its own set of challenges and difficulties. The modern man/woman much like our predecessors still need vehicles for protection, as well as defence strategies in order to survive and regain a sense of stability.

Our enemy in the modern world is the constant onslaught of information and expectations, and as a consequence we get that never-ending feeling we just can not keep up with all these demands.

Navigating around all these pitfalls in our hectic lives can be quite challenging. Where are all the islands of peace and silence, where we could retreat to and just switch OFF? And what do we need to do, so we can establish more realistic expectations of what we can really achieve in our work and family life.

Are we all aiming far too high, when it comes to living a fulfilled life?

— Denise Reichenbach is a Counsellor and Community Educator at Relationships Australia Qld

The relationship between parents and their children is one the strongest bonds that human beings can have with each other. This connection is of utmost importance for all children.

Children will develop their sense of self in relation to their parents. If the bond is strong and secure, the child will know that his or her needs are attended to and that it is safe to explore the world, as well as relationships with other people.

Now this sounds almost perfect doesn’t it? Except it sounds like we need to do everything right in relation to our children, otherwise they will damaged forever. I am sure all parents can feel the enormous pressure on their shoulders just by reading this.

In reality though, we will make mistakes and we will probably make a lot of them. This is OK! We all make mistakes, because we are human beings, and making mistakes is our way of improving and learning.

It is important to note though, that any form of physical, emotional and verbal abuse towards children is never acceptable and should not be tolerated.

There are a number of ways to show our children boundaries and respect. The first one is to be the best role model we can be. If we are respectful and polite to other people, our children will learn this from us. If we are not afraid to show our feelings and looking for support from others, our children will do the same. It will make them more resilient and flexible to deal with life’s challenges along the way.

Attachment has long been discussed to be the absolute basis in regard to the development of children. While this is mostly true it does not mean there is no room for error. Not all of us have had the perfect up-bringing. Some of us might have experienced betrayal, the loss of a parent through separation, or abandonment in childhood. These experiences do have an affect on our current adult relationships, which is important to be aware of, as this can lead us to a greater understanding of our vulnerabilities.

Luckily, human beings have the power of healing and integrating pain, betrayal and mistrust – of being happy and adjusted individuals, partners, and parents.

— Denise Reichenbach is an educator and counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland

How is it that we can live in a smooth routine with our partner and everything just seems to flow? We have found our unique slice of heaven with a companion and nothing can go wrong. Being in our comfort zone is very important to us human beings, as it helps us to feel safe, secure and in control. No one likes the feeling of loosing control, so most of the time we are very busy trying to maintain the status quo, even if we are actually quite annoyed with our partner.

This need for predictability is deeply ingrained in us. It helps to plan and foresee the things which in reality are not very foreseeable. So most of us make small deals with ourselves in relationships, which help us tolerate some behaviours in exchange for certain feelings like comfort, love and security.

Sometimes, however, these negotiations do not seem to add up for us any more. For some couples it can take years to recognise, that they have grown apart. The “WE“ has become a “YOU and ME”. Suddenly things are not so comfortable any more and arguments seem to be a regular form of communication.

It can be a very daunting experience to admit to ourselves our relationship is not working as it used to.

Most couples agree that looking back, they noticed these problems, but choose to ignore them for a greater good.

When couples find themselves at this stage in their life, it is usually a make or break decision. Resentment, anger and frustration have been held inside for many years and it feels like “growing apart has happened for too long and we cannot find our way back to the comfortable home zone, we once called our marriage.”

It does not have to be this way. There are many couples, who have a very happy, long lasting relationship extending over many years. The secret to their happiness is not that they never fight or argue, or that they are not going through hard times. In fact, quite the opposite!

Their seemingly secret ingredient is surprisingly simple – they do not take each other for granted. And they work on their love.

Love is a commitment we make to somebody at some stage in our life and it is up to us, if we honour that commitment. With the right motivation, our relationship can grow stronger, if we care for it. The rewards at the end will be more than we hoped for.

–Denise Reichenbach is a counsellor and community educator with Relationships Australia Spring Hill

Our world has changed dramatically in the last decade – we have moved from simple landline telephone calls and letters to an era where almost everything is done online.

It has become a requirement to find our way through the webs of the internet and speak the digital language fluently. Almost everybody owns a smart phone by now and we are never short of using them.

We have become so immersed in the online dimension, most of us do not recognise the use of technology not only has enormous advantages, but also downfalls.

When almost any information you need is instantly available by a quick type and search, there is never any time for our brain to truly switch off.

The digital age has also changed our way of communicating with each other. A lot of our interaction is now online; we are bridging gaps of distance and time, which we would have not been able to fill otherwise. It is enormously reassuring, knowing we can be in contact with friends and family every day, whether they live in Perth or Singapore. In this regard the world has become a lot closer and cosier, but in other ways we have established more distance between ourselves than we have ever before. Nowadays we look to our phone when we get lost in a new place, we never really ask other people for directions anymore.

Even when sitting together in cafes and restaurants, we seem to interact more with our phones than the people around us. It is like we need to constantly check what is going on with our friends on Facebook or Twitter, and in the process we forget and dismiss real human connection. This phenomenon has also spread into the workplace, where employees are checking their emails 24/7. People are finding it increasingly hard to say “NO” to these expectations, instead of drawing healthy boundaries between work and family time.

It is like we are constantly wired into a stream of communication, status updates on Facebook and hourly news from all around the world. It just goes on and on and on…when does it ever stop, so that our mind can have a break?

Most of us don’t realise nor recognise the impact of being constantly connected with the Online-World. It is a subtle influence that keeps our brainwaves constantly on alert. Like a giant stream of buzzing activity, that never allows us to rest or be fully present in the moment.

When was the last time, we actually observed the world around us and stood still for a while? 

–Denise Reichenbach, Counsellor and Educator, Relationships Australia

A new paradigm is taking place in today’s world and it speaks of our own personal well-being, the quality of life and how to improve our relationships.

Most book stores have a special section on health and self-development these days, and it appears that the volume of self-help literature has increased in the last decade.

In their essence, they all speak about the same thing – acceptance. What a big word that is, and how difficult it is to achieve.

Accept yourself, accept your neighbour. Just take life as it is and you will live a life full of harmony with the partner of your dreams, well- behaved kids, good friends and everything will be sweet, or not?

When it comes to trouble in our relationships, how often have we heard well-meant remarks like “you can’t change him/ her” or” that’s just how he/she is” or “ just let it go, it will sort itself out”. All this is good and heartfelt advice from the people who love us.

But as much as we have heard these phrases before, we probably laughed out loud at the same time, asking ourselves: “How? How am I meant to accept these annoying little quirks, when they drive me absolutely crazy and to my wits’ end?”

Most people would agree with me, that it is a lot harder to put the big ‘acceptance’ word into reality, than others would have you believe.

We all carry nagging little thoughts like, “Why can’t he just put his dirty laundry into the washing basket or just be a tad more romantic, like the guy in the movie?”

“Why can’t she just stop talking and leave me to myself, so I can tinker in the shed?”

“Why do I have to be the one who apologises first; why can’t he/she make the first step? Why do I always have to give in? What about me?!”

And there it is, the big ME full of unmet needs, hopes and wishes, wanting to be seen and acknowledged first, not the other way around.

Making the first step is a risky endeavour, and puts us into a dangerous position. Possible rejection always lurks around the corner, so fear is absolutely understandable – most human beings have been hurt by others, usually when they were most vulnerable. It is only natural to put up a wall and stay behind it.

But where does that leave us? It leaves us in a stalemate situation, where nobody is willing to make the first step. This is when most people come to relationships counselling, as they find it very hard to solve the problem themselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, most couples say that it has made a big difference to have a third party present, who looks at their relationship with a neutral set of eyes.

If you’re in this situation, there are a few strategies which can be helpful: Remind yourself why you fell in love with your partner in the first place. Try to focus on the positive qualities and characteristics your partner has. Take a look at all the areas in your relationship where you work well together.

Take time out as couple; make time for a regular date- night. Take surrounding circumstances into consideration, like stressful work hours or other current difficulties.

Don’t be too hard on yourself or your partner, look for support in friends and family. Seek counselling or other professional help.

And always remember, that accepting something or somebody is not giving in, or brushing things under the carpet. It is actually quite the opposite, as it deals with bringing everything out into the open, so that it can be worked through.

And last but not least, start to love and accept yourself. Most of our relationship troubles come from the idea that our partner is responsible for our own happiness.

This will be the focus of the next blog, where we will have a good look at the grand art of self-acceptance, and why it seems so difficult to embrace ourselves.

Denise Reichenbach, Counsellor – Relationships Australia, Gladstone

Changing our ways is a difficult thing to do. Most people have had the experience, when trying to change certain habits or patterns, of ending up with a feeling of failure. It is common to fall back into old ways of doing and thinking while we are trying to change.

Whether it is eating more muffins than usual on the first day of a diet, or falling back into arguments about the same old thing with our partner again, the process of counselling is about promoting change and walking alongside clients so new behaviours can be practised in a safe environment.

More often than not people return after the initial session saying they fell back into old habits and are convinced they are just not good enough to make changes or that it is just too hard to improve their circumstances.

There are many myths surrounding change. One of these myths is that change should take place suddenly and there should bes no falling back into old habits again while we are on the road to change.

In reality we do fall back into our old ways while trying to establish new patterns of behaviour and thinking, and we do that quite often. There is just no other way around it.

Our old habits served us quite well in the past, otherwise they would not have been established. The human body-mind-soul complex is a clever and ingenious system, which tries to keep everything in balance so we can survive physically and emotionally.

With that in mind, it drastically reduces pressure for people to hear they will, in some form, “fail”, while trying to develop a new habi. It doesn’t matter whether it is about giving up smoking, getting physically fit or trying to go to bed earlier and get more sleep.

This is just the way we are built as human beings and our subconscious mind will come up with a lot of resistance when we are trying to change something within ourselves.

For our  unconscious mind and emotions it is about being efficient, and being efficient means doing the same old thing every day. Any change is a threat to the system and will be met accordingly.

Who has not experienced the feeling of trying to think only positive thoughts, and having at least the same amount of negative thoughts greeting us to say “ Hello, we are still here!”?

This is very common and happens to almost everyone who is trying to change their ways and it is not about personal failure. It is the way change takes place and represents the fact that our inner system will at first be resistant to change and send a few storm troopers our way.

A successful change of old habits often happens when we accept there will be difficulties along the way and that is perfect. It’s fair to say the less pressure we apply, the faster and easier we will develop.

I can only say it is perfectly normal to “fail” the first time we try to change and not to give up. There will be difficulties and there will drawbacks. This is the nature of change.

Denise Reichenbach, Counsellor, Relationships Australia – Gladstone 

If you’ve been watching ABC Television’s fantastic series ‘Making Couples Happy‘, you would have had an introduction to the Five Love Languages on last night’s episode. One of our Gladstone counsellors, Denise Reichenbach, who writes a fortnightly column for The Gladstone Observer, shares her experience on the importance of understanding what says *love* to your partner:

Who has not heard of or experienced a scenario like this: Hubby is mowing the lawn with diligent commitment every weekend and really feels like he has accomplished something and what’s more, also displayed to his wife, that he cares, eg. for the place they live at, and loves her. Well, at least that is what he thinks. While the lady of the house is giving hint after hint, speaking of flowers and little gifts, only to be disappointed  by never receiving them. Her frustration is growing and after a while she does not feel listened to nor seen by her husband, while he feels that whatever he does is never acknowledged and all his sweetheart does is nag and complain.

I am sure, if we would speak to them individually, they would probably say that they love their  opposite very much indeed. So, how then can it be that inside ourselves, we know with absolute certainty, that we love our partner – but somehow along the way the display of love and appreciation is being misunderstood or completely lost in translation?!

Some people may say that it feels like there is distance growing between them. They talk of  feeling  disconnected, almost like standing at the opposite side of a canyon or river, shouting at each other that they love him or her, but the meaning gets lost under way and something completely different is being received – and all the while the gap is growing larger. This can be an enormous frustration for couples and it often feels to them like they are banging their head against the wall.

Now I am sure we all have asked ourselves the simple question “WHY”? Why is it so hard to be understood, by the very person we love the most and feel most intimate and comfortable with?

The answer here is rather simple really – because we are  and will always be different. This is not a bad thing at all. We have had individual upbringings, beliefs, values and expectations when it comes to our relationships and we each have specific, even unique ways of showing our love.

A book titled “Five Love Languages” deals with exactly this topic. Its author Gary Chapman concludes that people express their love in five different ways, although I would say that there are probably quite a few more. Specifically he talks about gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, “quality time” and affection.

Now, if we could find out what our partner’s “ love language” is, would that not make life a lot easier and straightforward?  The key to this is communication, to sit down and talk with each other, reflect on when we feel loved, what makes us feel appreciated.

And last but not least its important that the very reason of disagreeing and experiencing differences in our relationships is what brought us together in the first place. That we are different to our partner and we chose to get into a relationship exactly for the reason to not just be with the same familiar person every day, which is ourselves.

So it is not at all about trying to change our loved ones, or trying to make them more like us. It is about accepting our differences and cherishing them and communicate with each other, which brings us to the subject of the my next column, which is acceptance. Most couples state that accepting their partner for who they are is their major challenge and it is often the area, where they feel, the most work is required.

Denise Reichenbach

Some people celebrate Valentine’s Day, and others think it’s just a commercial farce. Whatever way you look at it, this might be a good time to think about the work that you are putting into your relationship every day of the year.

Research by Relationships Australia and the Australian National University has shown that couples who participate in relationship education courses are more likely to be happier in their relationships, find it easier to communicate their concerns, and deal with conflict.

Relationships Australia offers a range of courses throughout the year, including Building Better Relationships. It’s for couples of all ages, stages and sexuality. Facilitator, Sue Wilson, shares her experience of the course’s success.

“One couple recently (let’s call them Val and Terry) made us all laugh at the last session of the six-week course. Val said, “This course has been much better than counselling.” Terry said, “But you’ve never been to counselling in your life!”

I love the fact that the groups have fun and grow to trust each other (within the bounds of strict confidentiality, of course.) The facilitators make sure that participants feel at ease but also challenged to make the changes they choose in their lives. And we keep the groups to a maximum of seven couples so it’s all quite interactive.

One of the topics is the “five languages of love.” In their quiet couple sharing during this session, Val and Terry listened generously to each other and discovered they had very different “love languages.” Val often left little cards all over the house, expressing her love for Terry. Now it became clear that Terry felt embarrassed by these cards. So instead Val began to do something that Terry had been longing for – a simple cup of tea in bed in the mornings! And Terry made a point of saying thank you and leaving her an occasional card! Val said to me, “Suddenly I felt loved again.”

They’re not the only couple who find that simply listening to each other is the most important step in healing or building a relationship. As the Australian researcher Hugh Mackay has said, in The Good Listener, “Listening is an act of courage, generosity and patience.” Terry demonstrated that speaking honestly about your own feelings and needs is also important. Terry said to Val, “I want to listen well, and yet I get tired and confused by too many words. I need to take a break after twenty minutes.” So that became a helpful guideline for both of them.

In fact, we invite all the couples to draw up their own guidelines for Conflict Resolution. These often become known as the couple’s own Fighting Rules! Terry and Val wrote four key things for their behaviour and put them up on their fridge: “Notice when Val ‘demands’ and Terry ‘withdraws.’ Take time out when either of us gets angry. Both of us calm ourselves until we can talk sensibly. Have a hug that lasts for more than seven seconds.” Their friends saw the “Fighting Rules” on their fridge, and they all had a chat about their relationships – first time they had ever opened up such an intimate exchange.

This couple’s evaluation at the end of the course included a lovely comment: “We came to the course believing that our long marriage was probably not worth the effort that we thought we were putting into it. Now we seem to have a bright future together.” “

If you’d like to attend a Building Better Relationships course for couples, they are running throughout the year at Relationships Australia Spring Hill (and some other venues around Queensland.)

The courses typically run over six consecutive evenings, from 6pm–8.30pm. Cost is currently $110 per person, per course.

At Spring Hill, the start dates of the next courses are:

Monday 8 April; Monday 8 July; and Monday 14 October.

Please phone 1300 364 277 to find out more about what Relationships Australia has to offer you, in your own area.

Couples often express the same issue; they have difficulty in communicating. Communication is an important factor in every relationship and is necessary in creating solid foundations for a healthy and respectful couple relationship. 

Good communication consists of three essential skills

• Listening to what the other person is saying,
• Expressing how you feel and what you think, and
• Accepting the other person’s opinions and feelings, even when they are different from your own.

World renowned psychologist Dr John Gottman has found through his research into couples, that there are four particular types of negative interactions that can be very damaging to a relationship. Gottman calls them “the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse.” 

The Four Horsemen are:

Criticism: most of us will have some complaints about a person we live with. But there is a significant difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific action e.g. “you forgot to put the bin out again.”  A criticism is directed at your partner’s character or personality, suggesting there may be something wrong him or her e.g. “you always forget to put the bin out, you’re hopeless!” Criticism is very common in relationships; the problem with criticism is that when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other more destructive horsemen.

Contempt: Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humour are all forms of contempt. In whatever form, contempt is destructive to a relationship because it is demeaning and conveys disgust. For example, “My family wouldn’t be so low as to do something like that, unlike your family.” Contempt is fuelled by long-standing negative thoughts about the partner. You’re more likely to express contempt if your differences are not resolved. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.

Defensiveness: When conversations become negative, and you feel criticised and attacked, it is natural to want to defend yourself. However, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologise. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Defensiveness just escalates the conflict.

Stonewalling: In relationships where discussions lead to a cycle of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. During a typical conversation between two people, the listener indicates that they are paying attention. They may use eye contact, nod their head, and say something like “Yeah” or “Uh-huh.” A stonewaller doesn’t give you this sort of feedback. They tend to look away or down without uttering a sound. They sit like an impassive stone wall. The stonewaller acts as though they couldn’t care less about what you’re saying even if they hear it. The less responsive they are, the more persistent the other person becomes.. By turning away from them, they are avoiding a fight, but they are also avoiding the marriage or relationship. Although both men and women can be stonewallers, this behaviour is more common among men.

If these horsemen are present when couples talk, it may not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, but it generally does mean that each time couples engage in conversation it makes it harder and harder to positively communicate and this can lead to a breakdown of the relationship over time.
So how can we better communicate with our partner without using the four horsemen?  There are some things that we can do that not only help get our message across to our partner, but also build healthy relationship where both can openly and assertively express themselves.

• Choose the right time and place to talk, not when you are busy or tired.  Make a special time to discuss important issues.
• Don’t go off on a tangent, stick to the issue
• Think of the positives as well.  It is hard to be nasty if you are thinking of good things about your partner.  You will find you can still get your point across, but the insults will not be present.
• Make your point and encourage your partner to be involved.
• Accept that your partner and you can never think or feel the same about issues. 
• And finally be aware of gender differences in communication and discuss these differences, if they exist with you and your partner

o Often men offer solutions to problems and want to achieve results whereas women want to share feelings and discuss difficulties
o Men’s talk is concerned with exhibiting knowledge, passing on information, preserving status and independent,
o Women’s talk is on the emphasis of displaying similarity, establishing connections and creating intimacy.
o Men tend to think internally and express the finished product of their thoughts, whereas women tend to think aloud, sharing their inner dialogue to arrive at a decision or simply to share their thoughts.

Gottman’s research also shows that it isn’t only how couples communicate and disagree that matters, but how they make up after an argument. Relationships stabilise over time if couples learn to reconcile successfully after an argument.

At Relationships Australia, we offer couple counselling which can assist you and your partner in building, re-building and maintaining a healthy relationship.  Call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.