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Relationship Separation is often a confusing time for adults.  While there can be feelings ranging from relief to shock and a sense of betrayal and failure, and everything in between, it is important to remember that children too are often left feeling bewildered and angry because of their parent’s separation, or are left feeling a whole range of emotions that they may be ill-equipped to identify, and to understand. 

Loving parents often want to ease their children’s sense of confusion, but sometimes struggle to do so while they are dealing with many emotions themselves.  There are ways however, that, even while going through a complex and difficult time themselves, parents can still put in place some good strategies that will help ensure that their children come through their separation, resilient.  It is not within the scope of this article to go into all aspects of supporting children through separation (there are many good publications that do that) but to provide a few ideas that could be of benefit to parents.

Telling the Children

One of the first tasks of separation that parents are faced with is how to tell the children.  Children need to have information that makes sense of what is happening, but in an age-appropriate way.  There is no need to go into a great deal of detail about the history of the adult relationship difficulties, rather children need clarity about matters such as where their parents will be living now, what that means for them, how often they will be seeing the non-residential parent, the availability of the absent parent by phone or other means etc.

It is my experience in my role as a Child Consultant at the Family Relationship Centre at Upper Mt Gravatt that parents are often very proactive in telling their children that while their own adult relationship had broken down, this did not impact on their feelings for their children.  While this information is reassuring for a child, it is really only half the message that children need to hear.  Children need to know that it is OK with each of their separating parents that they spend quality time with the other parent, and they need to know that it is OK with their separating parents that they love the other parent.  While this may be difficult for some adults to tell their children honestly, it is important that the adult’s feelings are not imposed on their children.

Conflict and Communication

At the Family Relationship Centre, we are often told that children are not aware of the conflict that exists between two separated parents.  From infanthood, however, children learn that their basic needs are met by their being tuned into their parent’s emotional state.  Children can be very intuitive in regard to their parent’s feelings – especially their feelings about their ex-partner.  Too often, children learn too early that to keep themselves safe emotionally they need to keep secrets – protecting Mum and Dad from information regarding the other parent, and ultimately protecting themselves from feelings of disloyalty, guilt or from feeling like they have displeased one parent.  Over time, these children can develop complex strategies in order to manoeuvre what they perceive as the dangerous territory of adult relationships.  While, for some adults, it at times may seem that it is almost impossible to hear news of the other parent in a completely passive way, parents will need to exercise some emotional restraint for the sake of their children.  Reducing conflict and increasing positive communication is the key to children’s transition through the difficult time of parental break up.

Emotional Health and Literacy

It has been consistently shown in research that the adjustment of children to divorce is strongly correlated with the psychological adjustment of parents (Hetherington & Stanley–Hagan, 1999). Children need to know that it is OK to ask for help.  In this regard, parents can lead by example.  It is not selfish for adults to look after their emotional and their own health needs at this time.  This way, parents are better equipped to support their children.  There is no failure in parents’ admission that a Professional may be needed to help their children deal with the complex changes that a marriage or relationship break up brings.  This equally applies to adults, who can often benefit from seeking Professional help. 

Parents can help their children by talking to them about things that bring them joy or comfort.  This way children can make a connection between their feelings and a variety of ways they can self-soothe.  This does not require going into a great deal of detail about adult feelings, but rather by making a simple statement like “I feel calm when I go for a walk by the sea”.  Listening to music, talking to a friend, or digging in a garden are among many ways to demonstrate to children that there are healthy ways to self-soothe.  The concept of identification of feelings and expressing them in a healthy or creative way helps children build Emotional Literacy.

Structure and Consistency

Separation can be a time of great adjustment to routine.  Structure and consistency in a supportive environment is important to children of all ages and parenting that is nurturing and also authoritative (not authoritarian) is related to child adjustment following divorce and separation (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1989).

It is wise to, as far as possible, keep change to a minimum.  Children who are exposed to multiple stressors and change are at a greater risk of poor adjustment. 

While some change at this time will be necessary, parents can find ways to minimise these.  One way for a non resident parent to minimise change is to stay geographically close to children, so that, when they spend time with the non-resident parent, much of their environment is familiar and other aspects of their lives eg. Friends and extra-curricular activities are close.

A Final Word

The two major pointers to children’s adjustment to their parent’s separation that have continually been identified in the relevant literature are the exposure the child has to interparental conflict, and the quality of the parent-child relationship.  It is not, therefore, separation itself that impacts negatively on child well being, but the ongoing exposure the child has to conflict. (O’Hanlon, Patterson and Parham, 2007).

And finally, while divorce and separation is associated with an increased risk for children in relation to adjustment, achievement and relationship difficulties, resilience is the norm (Amato, 2001).  This knowledge must be tempered, however, with the understanding that this resilience may best be achieved where parents are committed to ending the conflict between themselves, and where they are committed to providing for their children a safe, supported and nurturing environment.

Karen Marshall, Clinical Supervisor and Child Consultant at RAQ

References

Amato, P.R. (2001).  Children of Divorce in the 1990’s:  An update of the Amato and Keith (1991) Meta analysis.  Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 355-370.

Hetherington, E.M. & Stanley-Hagan, M. (1999).  The adjustment of children with divorced parents:  A risk and resiliency perspective.  Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 40, 129-140.

Hetherington, E.M. & Stanley-Hagan, M., & Anderson, E.R. (1989).  Marital transistions:  A child’s perspective.  American Psychologist, 44, 303-312.

O’Hanlon, A., & Patterson, A., & Parham, J (2007).  Managing the impact of separation and divorce on children.  Overview of the literature. The Australian Psychological Society Ltd

Stepfamilies today are becoming a prominent part of Australian family life. It is estimated that one in five Australian families is a stepfamily. National Stepfamily Awareness Day is a day dedicated to stepfamilies and an opportunity for communities to celebrate and acknowledge stepfamilies and the vital role that stepparents play in the lives of the children and young people they care for.

Friends and extended family often don’t realise just how hard it can be for stepfamilies, particularly in the first few years, when stepfamilies most need their support. National Stepfamily Awareness Day helps promote community awareness about the challenges that stepfamilies face and the services available to support families through difficult times.

Stepfamilies face a range of unique and complex challenges and it is not uncommon for stepfamilies to go through stages of confusion, conflict and crisis before finding their way and developing strong family bonds.

More than half of parents who separate, re-partner. Yet the dynamics and the complexity of the new family relationships mean stepfamilies are continually at risk of conflict and are at a much higher risk of separation than biological families. Stepparents often find themselves ill equipped to deal with the myriad of adjustments and emotions they experience in their new role.

Many relationship difficulties can be managed and supported with the right kind of help. At Relationships Australia we understand the unique differences associated with stepfamilies. We provide assistance to families where one or both partners come together with children from an earlier relationship. These families may be either thinking about forming or already living in a married or unmarried stepfamily situation.

At Relationships Australia we believe that healthy relationships are crucial to a persons development and individual growth and that our relationships impact on our well being and happiness. When our personal relationships are not working well, our ability to cope with other areas of our life is often affected.

If you would like support for your family, please contact Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 for information about our services, and to make an appointment.

Keeping the home fires burning when from dawn to dusk all hands are on deck trying to keep the family business going can be difficult. Romance and quality time with your partner and family can be pushed down the priority list when the cattle need to be shifted to a new pasture, the cows need milking, the chickens need feeding and the crop needs harvesting – whew! Romance isn’t just about champagne, flowers, expensive dinners and weekends away – it is about the time and effort someone puts in to thinking of their partner and expressing their feelings about that person. Here are a few tips from Relationships Australia on keeping the romance in your relationship on the land:-

• Send a text message or email telling your partner that you love them. Each of us needs to know that someone loves us on a regular basis and is thinking of them. A simple text message or email can be enough to put a smile on that special someone’s face – even if you are only a few meters from each other!
• Send a digital photo either via email or phone. Technology is fantastic for being able to quickly communicate with people while being physically away from them. Invest in a digital camera or get a camera phone and take some happy snaps from the farm and arrange for your partner to send you some while you are out fixing fences or planting a new crop. You may be surprised that you end up communicating more than you would if you were in front of each other!
• Get dressed up for dinner. No you don’t have to go to a restaurant, make a date to have a special meal at home with your partner but both of you agree to dress up. Most of us only dress up on special occasions, but they may be few and far between. So make up a special occasion and get out the finery and put it on!
• Write little love notes to your partner and leave them in small hiding places around the house before you go to work. Put them in places you know that you partner will go to over the week, like amongst the socks, in the bits n pieces draw, the freezer, inside a favourite cup, in the cereal box, under their pillow, in their wallet, on the seat of the ute, on top of the feed bales or in their lunch box.
• Make a date. Yes, make a day/time for just the two of you. It doesn’t mean that you have to book a restaurant or leave the house. It may be booking your partner for a cup of tea and scones on the back verandah for an hour while the children are off playing or doing their homework. Some quality conversation time for the two of you may be just the romance you need.
• Open the photo albums and spend some time with your partner and family going through them. You can get quite sentimental and romantic just looking back at your dating times, your wedding, the baby photos, birthdays, etc… You may then talk about adding some photos from now or an upcoming holiday or party. Photos often get us talking about the past and thinking about the future.
• Get healthy. Take your partner for a walk and hold hands. A simple gesture but when was the last time you took your partner’s hand?
• Write a letter telling your partner how much you love, admire and appreciate them. Focus on the good qualities (resist any temptation to mention something that annoys you as it defeats the purpose). Spend some time on it and hand write it. It will mean so much to your partner as we often get so busy that we forget to mention how much our loved ones mean to us. It is also the sort of romantic item that your partner can look at over and over again when they might be feeling a little sad or lonely.
• Hug. Make sure the first thing you do when you get home next time is hug your partner. A big, long hug and maybe even a kiss. Simple, but effective.
• Be creative. Write a poem, paint a picture, make something or do something that you know your partner will appreciate and treasure.
• Take a holiday. Try to ensure you take a holiday every year even if it is for a week. It is important to take a break from our everyday activities in order to refresh the mind and the body. If you stay on your property you will still be thinking about what needs to be done and may end up doing it so get away.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

Many fathers today see themselves as an integral part of family life no longer content to put all their energy and love into their careers. Increasingly, fathers are taking time to play, cuddle, talk and teach their children.

Unlike the past, where fathers were more inclined to be distant, fathers today are seeking to share parenting responsibility, strive for a better balance between work and home and to be there to encourage, support and believe in their children.

Fathers bring different things to parenting, things that are unique and irreplaceable in the way they show consistency, firmness, warmth and involvement.

There are a number of things that children like to do with Dads

• Accompany Dad on adventures and experiences in the big wide world
• Hear stories about Dad’s life and see what they are doing for a living
• Learn to make and fix things together
• Play and cuddle

Separation and divorce can often be a huge blow to a father’s hopes and dreams for his children. If you are in this situation it is important to remember that you divorce your partner not your children.

Relationships Australia can assist former partners through mediation to work out an ongoing parenting plan. This will ensure that fathers still stay connected to their children and the children benefit from being loved and cared for by both parents.

Relationships Australia can be contacted on 1300 364 277.

One of the things I enjoy most about my job is trying to understand human behaviour. We humans are so fascinating. Even though we are all of the same species (homosapians), we all act differently. These differences in behaviour has much to do with how our mind interprets events. The mind is the strongest yet often the most overlooked organ, which influences and alters our behaviour.

However, not all of the thoughts we have, leads to helpful outcomes. Sometimes we can develop unhealthy or unhelpful thinking patterns and this can lead to all sorts of difficulties, such as depression, anxiety, stress, anger issues etc. What can happen over time is, we can become stuck in this style of thinking and even though we do not like the consequences, the thoughts happen automatically. It is a bit like when we first start learning how to drive a manual car. Initially, we have to think a lot about the clutch, gears, etc, but over time we become so use to driving we may not even notice when we change gears, our thoughts become automatic.

Even though our thoughts may become automatic, one of the advantages of being human is that we can learn and re-learn. Though we may think in a particular way, it does not mean we need to continue. If I use the example of the car again, when we hop into a manual car that we have not driven before, we become more aware of how we are using the gears, clutch etc.

One way, which counsellors may help you, is by breaking down how you think about events and becoming more aware of how you interpret events. Furthermore, you can learn how to challenge some of your unhelpful thoughts, which can lead to alternative outcomes rather than adversity.

At Relationships Australia, we can assist you in ways to catch and challenge unhelpful thinking and if you are in a drought declared area and affected by the drought, a fisherperson affected by the change in fishery laws or a sugar worker affected by changes to the industry our counselling services are free. Call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

Well, I’ve had three days of transition and re-entry into ‘normal life’ and time to reflect on the amazing odyssey that was Project Yellow. The final day was a wonderful experience, with RAQ CEO, Shane Klintworth coming out and running a final 45km marathon with Alida and me (it actually turned out to be about 47km! – sorry Shane!!).

Heaps of enthusiastic Roma locals ventured out to Roma State College on Saturday morning to watch us run in and to join us in the final two kilometres, taking part in all the fun events laid on too. Congratulations to the two girls who put so much effort into their yellow outfits and came away with an ipod Touch, as winners of the ‘best-dresssed’ comp’. The artwork comp’ revealed some amazing talent too, which was equally rewarded. Thanks, Roma, for coming out and helping us celebrate. And a big thank you to Narissa Jowett for all the terrific support.

The team from Relationships Australia were amazing, giving Alida and I just the boost we needed to bring home the last kilometres in style. Big thanks to Ayesha, Veronica, Peter, Dan, Tracey, Graham, Sophiaan and Hamish. and a particular thank you to Olivia for all the amazing work that made the day happen.

There can’t be too many CEO’s that would travel across the state during a busy period, to run a marathon in support of a project and I’m inspired and enormously grateful to Shane for his commitment.

Our media and marketing person, Rebecca, was the one who made sure that the communities between Ipswich and Roma knew about what we were doing. We had some great coverage and couldn’t have done what we did without Bec’s amazing commitment to this project.

Of course, the reason you are able to read all my blog entries and follow our progress is thanks to the terrific website, built by Tsvetana. Thanks Tsvetana, for your creativity, commitment and…patience!

Our sponsors, Endura, Eatsmart, BSEMS and Runningman have been an integral part of the project’s success. Their expert knowledge and guidance helped keep me on the road. They all do amazing work and their details are on the website, for more information.

Finally, thank you to all the enthusiastic students and educators who saw the value in what we were doing and made the effort to contribute and participate with such positive energy.

After a short rest it will be time to begin reflecting on this first Project Yellow adventure and reading all the evaluations gathered, in order to begin exploring how we might take Project Yellow forward from here. Already there are several requests in from new schools and I look forward to exploring how we can support them to move towards being more socially inclusive and diverse school communities.

So, for now, it’s time to sign off. Don’t forget to check out all the new pics as I upload them over the next few days and there will be a video montage of the final day very soon too. As always, we welcome your comments and stories and look forward to connecting again soon.

Much love and optimism, Chris

People generally seem to have two conflicting needs in relationships:

• We want a sense of space and autonomy, of being allowed to do our own thing. Our independence is important to us.
• We also want to be close to someone else, to know that we are loved and accepted for who we are, despite our faults. We need to know that we matter deeply to someone else, and that we are valued by them. In other words, we long for intimacy.

Intimacy in relationships

Intimacy is also about being able to accept and share in your partner’s feelings, about being there when they want to let their defences down. Intimacy often doesn’t need words, but being able to put feelings and experiences into words makes intimacy more likely to occur. Intimacy involves being able to share the range of feelings and experiences we have as human beings – pain and sadness, as well as happiness and love.

Intimacy is important in relationships, but is not always easily achieved.

Intimacy and sex

For most couples, one of the times when they are most aware of being intimate is when they are making love. This is not surprising – sexual activity involves trust and taking the risk of being vulnerable with each other. It is a time when, both physically and emotionally, partners let themselves get close to each other.

Sex cannot, however, carry all the burden of intimacy in the relationship. Being able to share feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, pride – the full range of emotional experiences – is also necessary. Without this, some couples find that after a while they begin to feel lonely and unappreciated however good their love-making might be physically. It is sometimes necessary for a couple to learn how to be close and express affection for each other without this leading straight on to lovemaking.

This can be particularly difficult for some men, who may have been brought up to believe that showing their feelings is somehow a betrayal of their masculinity. The more a couple is intimate with each other in ways other than sex, the more rewarding their sex life often becomes. Sex and intimacy are not the same, but they are closely related and easily influence each other.

Intimacy and separateness

Real intimacy is when two independent people choose to come together. The words of Kahlil Gibran from the poem “The Prophet” are often quoted about the balance of intimacy and separateness in relationships.

 

‘Let there be spaces in your togetherness … Love one another, but make not a bond of love … Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone … And stand together, yet not too near together; For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.’

The word bereavement means, ‘to be robbed of something valued’.  Often bereavement is described as the emotional reactions felt following the death of a loved one, although most often applied when the loss involves a death it can be applied to many other situations such as the loss of a relationship.

Grieving, like so many other parts of our lives, is a process that people go through in stages.  When we lose someone, we have to adjust to the loss. This process takes time and varies from individual to individual.  Furthermore, it is not uncommon for individuals to move back and forth between stages.

There are five recognizable stages in bereavement. They are:

Stage one – shock/denial.  The reality of the loss takes time to sink in.  Initial reactions vary from numbness, denial, disbelief and hysteria, to not being able to think straight.  This natural reaction helps cushions us against the loss and allows us to feel it more slowly and cope with it better.

Stage two – Protests/anger.  At this stage the person protests that the loss cannot be real.  Strong and powerful feelings occur, such as anger, guilt, sadness, fear, yearning and searching, while the person struggles between denying and accepting the reality of what has happened.    During this stage, anger can manifest itself in many ways; we can blame ourselves, others may easily be agitated and have emotional outbursts.  During this stage care must be taken to not turn the anger inwards. It is better to release the anger as this helps with the grieving process.

Stage three- bargaining.  During this stage, bargaining can be between ourselves. or depending on your beliefs, with your god.  Often, we will offer something to try and take the reality of what has happened away.  Sometimes we may try and make deals to have our loved ones back as they were before the event.  It is only human to want things as they were before. 

Stage four – disorganization.  This is the stage when the reality of the loss is only too real.  This is the low point of the grief process, characterized by bleakness, despair, depression, apathy, anxiety and confusion.  The person may feel that the feelings will go on forever.  Out of all the stages, this stage is generally the most difficult, as individuals may enter a depressive state.  Sometimes thoughts of self-harm may occur.  If these thoughts do occur, professional help is needed.

Stage five- Reorganisation.  The person begins to rebuild their life, acquiring more balance and able to remember happier times.  They are able to accept the loss and regain some energy and plan for the future.  The person returns to previous functioning, but often with changed values and new meaning to life.  They may still have thoughts of their loved one, but less intense and less frequent.  It may take some time to get here, but it will happen.

Some of the tasks involved in grieving.

Accepting the loss:the starting point of grief is intellectually and emotionally to accept the loss.  At first the person experiencing the loss cannot comprehend it and may cling to the belief that the person is still there.

Feel the pain:An array of emotions are allowed, recognisedand experienced. The pain of grief is very real, and as with any pain may be avoided. However, it is an essential part of the process and must be acknowledged and worked through.  Some avoid the pain by keeping busy, others say to themselves that they must be strong; however, in the longer term, it is helpful if painful feelings are expressed.

Talking about it:  talking about regrets, fears and anger is helpful.  If you are the listener, encourage the person to talk of the deceased, how they are feeling and what they are experiencing. Sometimes, just being present and listening is all the person grieving needs.

Take one day at a time:  grieving takes time; there are no limits and it is not a process that can be hurried.  Some people feel pressured to “get over it” or “move on”, but for some, grieving can take years. It takes as long as it takes.

Be your own best friend:look after yourself, eat well, and take time to retreat. Take care not to become completely isolated, as family and friends and other social supports are important in helping cope with grief.

Write a letter from the heart.  Write a letter saying everything you wished you had said to the person while they were alive .  Write about the good things and the bad things, the things your liked most and least. Also write about the things you could never talk about and how you will remember the deceased.  Say goodbye in your own time and in your own way.

References

Powell, T. (2000).  The mental health handbook; revised edition.  Speechmark Publishing Ltd: UK.

Ireson Computing Ltd (2005).  Coping with the five stages of grieving retrieved 6 April2005, at http://www.york-united-kingdom.co.uk/funerals/grief/

In the movie series Back to the Future, Marty McFly struggles with being called chicken.  Initially, when Marty retaliated, things work out in his favour, but as the movie series progresses every time Marty is called chicken his reaction to the name-calling gets him into more and more trouble.  His assertive behaviour towards Biff changes and by the second movie in the series, he is outwardly aggressive to everyone who calls him chicken, including his boss.

Of course, the movie series was done in a manner to entertain viewers, but there is an element of truth behind the way in which we can react to others and outwardly display dissatisfaction.

There are payoffs to reacting with anger as with what Marty initially found. You are likely to secure the material needs and objects you desire.  You can get others to do your bidding.  You can grow to like the feeling of control in shaping your life and things can tend to go your way (for a while). 

However, there is a price for acting out aggressive behaviour.  As Marty found, aggressive behaviour created enemies, inducing fear and paranoia, making life more difficult for him.   Maintaining that feeling of control takes time and mental energy and this makes it difficult to relax.  If relationships are based on negative emotions, they are likely to be unstable.

So what can we do to reduce our anger?  

Do somedeep, slow breathing.  Funnily enough, when we are tense or angry, we tend to stop breathing or take very shallow breaths and this makes us more tense.  So take several deep breath and feel yourself start to relax.

Try to think of happy thoughts or see the funny side/irony to the situation.  You can get your mind to switch to another emotional state by thinking of something that made you laugh or smile (think of your partner, children or pet).

Change a negative into a positive.  You can switch the incident around to a positive by saying things like ‘at least I am OK and I am not like them’, or ‘at least I don’t drive like that’ or ‘I wouldn’t make that decision and annoy other drivers’.

Walk away for the situation.  Not every situation do we need to stand and fight.  If we fought every battle then we are going to tire ourselves.  Even though we may not get to say what we wanted to say, by walking away we also stop ourselves from saying the things we DID NOT want to say.

There are also things that we may do when we are angry which are unhelpful. Stopping some of these behaviours can reduce our anger.  One thing that is unhelpful is replaying the event in your mind which will keep you feeling angry and tense and can impair your judgment. 

Another unhelpful behaviour is storing up the anger.  Anger is not just an emotion; it also has a physical element.  When you get a chance, go for a walk or engage in some other healthy physical exertion (a swim, jog, or kicking a ball) in order to get a physical release of the emotional energy that you are storing when you are angry.  It will help you to feel calm again.

If all else fails, remember the Back to the Future series and how we can have short-term gains, but these can lead to long-term unhealthy behaviours.  Sometimes we may be successful, as Marty was, with improvising the little girl’s scooter and creating a skateboard in the first movie, other times our anger can lead us into trouble, as with Marty losing his job in the second movie. 

Reference

Back to the Future movie trilogy (1985 -1990). Universal Studios.

Barlow, R. & Williams E. (1998).  Anger Control Training.  Speechmark Publishing Ltd: United Kingdom.

Powell, T. (2000).  The mental health handbook: Revised edition.  Speechmark Publishing Ltd: United Kingdom.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.