Category: Uncategorized

Okay so lets get the issue right out in the open.  Some men do not think that counselling is a ‘male thing to do’ that it shows weakness, and is girlie.  Some would say that counselling does not fit the Aussie/ rural bloke image, you know with all that ‘feelings’ stuff!

You may be surprised to know that more men than ever are using counselling services and it is not always because they are being dragged there by their wives! Men are using their initiative to book appointments to speak to trained professional about their issues and concerns.

You don’t have to be a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) or Metro-sexual (you know the guys who use facial products) to think about using counselling.  The every day bloke just like you and your mates can benefit from counselling.

What you talk about in counselling is up to you.  It might be that you have been feeling low and are not happy, you might be having problems with the wife, someone close to you might have passed away, thinking about changing jobs, or feeling stressed in general.  There are no judgements in counselling and it is confidential.

A counsellor can help you to develop strategies and ways to cope with your problems, make decisions about where you will go from the current situation, or to just be there as an ear for you to talk about what’s on your mind. 

Also very important – not all Counsellors are women – there are men too.  You can choose a Male or Female counsellor; all are qualified and experienced in their field.  While not all of our branches have Male counsellors available for face to face counselling, we can organise telephone counselling with one.

Relationships Australia Queensland offers a wide range of services. Have a look at our Website for our full list of services and branches http://www.raq.org.au

Call us to see how we can help you.  Phone 1300 364 277.

Having a baby is a life changing event. Whether the decision to start a family was planned or unexpected, the impact of rearing a child can rattle even the most stable individuals or relationships.

In some circumstances, couples choose to have a baby to celebrate their stability or to strengthen their relationship. There are thoughts that building their own family will bring them closer together, and that life after childbirth will be a time of tenderness, intimacy, and maturity. The reality is however, that for most couples, the impact of lifestyle adjustments, role changes, changes social networks, and the need for stability and responsibility around child rearing all impact on their relationship.

More couples today are seeking relationship counselling after having a baby than ever before. This does not necessarily mean that the stresses are greater now than in previous years, but rather that more couples are recognizing when they need help.

Mothers and fathers respond and adjust to their newborn baby differently. Misunderstandings, conflicts and expectations can affect the relationship as a result.

A Mothers’ Stress:

New mothers are generally overwhelmed by the experience of child birth and their changing role in life. Before the pregnancy, they were individuals whose lives revolved around their social networks and careers, now their needs are secondary to those of the newborn child. Career women can go from high pressure deadlines and challenging projects, to days filled with nappy changes, feedings, washing and numerous other household duties. Most of these jobs are time consuming and repetitious which may lead to frustration and other negative emotions.

Fathers can assist the situation by trying to understand the pressures and demands on his partner in rearing a newborn. Simple chores can take much longer to complete due to regular interruptions.

After the birth of the child, a new mother experiences a sudden change in hormone levels which can leave her feeling out of sorts. Many new mothers can also have concerns relating to their body image. Some bodies transform overnight to their pre-pregnancy state, while others may never return to that state. Breasts look and feel different, especially if breast feeding, hips are wider, and it may be much harder to loose those extra kilo’s from around the belly and thigh regions. Most new mothers need reassurance from their partners that they are still attractive.

A women’s libido generally is fairly low after birth, as muscles are stretched, and the stress and fatigue of caring for the newborn can reduce feelings of intimacy..    

A Fathers’ Stress:

Many fathers have difficulty making a connection with an unborn child. It is sometimes difficult for them to imagine the impact that the child will have on themselves and their relationship with their partner, until the infant is tangible and present.

Some new fathers sometimes feel left out, isolated, and may even see the new baby as a sort of competition for attention and affection. As a result, they may withdraw and may become depressed. Mothers can help by including the father in the care of the newborn baby. It is important for mothers to take advantage of his offers to spend one-on-one time with the baby. Fathers may do things differently, but with time and practice, they will find their own way of tackling situations. Taking care of the baby alone, is the best way for fathers to get to know their newborn child and establish a strong bond.

Postnatal Depression

Coping with the day-to-day demands of a new baby and adjusting to a major life change, can make some women more likely to experience depression or anxiety at this time, particularly if they’ve experienced depression and/or anxiety in the past. Around one in seven Australian mothers experiences postnatal depression. Anxiety is even more common and both anxiety and depression can occur during pregnancy.

Fathers can also suffer the symptoms and effects of PND. Feeling out of control, sadness, tearfulness, overwhelming sense of worthlessness, sleep disturbances, changes in eating habits, loss of sexual energy, withdrawal, and feeling that you may hurt yourself or your newborn child, are all signs and symptoms of Postnatal Depression. Should you or your partner be experiencing any of the above signs or symptoms, you should seek medical assistance immediately.

Getting back on track

It is important for couples to still spend quality time together. Communication and compassion for the other partner is vital for the relationship and their new family unit.

Here are a few helpful ways that you can improve your relationship with your partner after having a baby.

• Find time to connect with each other. Simple plans are often the best. Make time alone together a priority and you’ll find a way to make it happen.
• Talk to each other. Let the other person know the good and bad aspects of your day. They can’t care if they don’t know.
• Both parents have to care for themself, so that they are able to care for their baby in a better way. Take turns in taking a break from caring for your newborn baby as and when you need.
• Walking is the best exercise, If you can, 30 minutes everyday, can boost endorphin levels, which in turn relieves tension.
• Eating regularly and nutritiously. Consult a health professional for information on healthy eating, particularly if breastfeeding.

When you are busy with a new child, it can be difficult to find the time to get to either a doctor or a counsellor, but relationship stress, conflict, or postnatal depression should not be left untreated for a prolonged period of time. 

Relationships Australia has branches throughout Australia which assist couples to refocus on their relationship and what is important to them. You can make an appointment at your nearest Relationships Australia branch on 1300 364 277.  Or you can access ParentLine telephone counselling between 8am to 10 pm, 7 days a week on 1300 30 1300 for parenting difficulties. For more information on Postnatal Depression, visit the Beyondblue website at www.beyondblue.org.au

Some people find it difficult to say no.  This often leads to them feeling as though they have no control over their life.  People who find it difficult to say no also spend a great deal of time doing things for others.  Things that they really do not want to do.  This can often lead to resentment and frustration building, which can potentially poison relationships.  Saying ‘no’ to others demands helps put us back into the drivers seat and means we have more control over our life and time.

If saying ‘no’ is, a good thing to do then why do so may people struggle with it?  There are a number of beliefs that suggest why people struggle to say no, such as

• Saying ‘no’ is rude and aggressive
• Saying ‘no’ is unkind, selfish and uncaring
• Saying ‘no’ will hurt others
• If I say ‘no’ to someone they will cease to like me, or
• Saying ‘no’ over a little things is petty and small-minded.

The key is to challenge some of these beliefs, just because you say ‘no’ does not mean you are rejecting the person; you are refusing a request not the person.  Furthermore, other people have the right to ask, and you have the right to refuse. 

So what are some ways to say ‘No’?  I use several methods when I am working with people in becoming more assertive.  For example, you could try

1. ‘Thank you’, then ‘no’eg: “thank you for thinking of me but I am unavailable”.
2. Reflective listening, then ‘no’.  Reflect the content of the request and then state your ‘no’, eg: “I understand your are short of money at the moment, but I am unable to help you”.
3. The reasoned ‘no’.  You can say ‘no’ and give a very clear explanation as to why, eg: “No, I’ve agreed to spend time with your father today”.
4. The raincheck ‘no’.  You have to say ‘no’ but you may be able to help in the future, eg: “No, I can’t drive you to your friend’s house, but I will have time tomorrow”.
5. The ‘no’ sandwich.  The first layer is a statement acknowledging what the other person wants from you.  The second layer (or the meat in the sandwich) is your refusal and the third layer is your reason, eg: “I understand you have a deadline, but I can’t help you today as I have already made commitments.
6. The broken record ‘no’.  Constantly repeating the same statement regardless of their pleas, eg: “No, I am unable to help you”.
7. The simple ‘No”.  Sometimes by offering no explanation, there is less opportunity for the person to persist.

By expressing our feelings openly and honestly and saying no to things we really do not want to do, actually allows others to know us and helps us feel better.  It also helps us to feel better about who we are.

At Relationships Australia, we can assist you in developing assertiveness and if you are in a drought declared area and affected by the drought, a fisherperson affected by the change in fishery laws or a sugar worker affected by changes to the industry our counselling services are free.  Call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

In our modern society, life moves pretty fast.  Going to the bank can be instantaneous at the click of a button.  We have faster, more efficient cars so we can get to our destinations quicker.  We can sit in our fast, efficient cars and order fast food.  We can even talk and see people in real time, which may be on the other side of the globe on our mobile phones while waiting for our fast food, while sitting in our fast efficient car.

Being able to do things faster and get things done quickly has led to the pace of life increasing.  As the pace of life has increased, there has also been an increase in stress related illnesses as well, such as coronary heart disease and strokes.

Even though we all have different temperaments, for some people life is a constant rush.  Rushing from one activity to the next, moving from one achievement to the next, always using every minute of the day, cramming as much in as possible into one week.  This style of behaviour often has roots in early childhood where the ‘need to achieve’ and be successful is instilled.  A person with this temperament style could be referred to as possessing, Type A Behaviour.

The difficulty that arises with Type A Behaviour is that it can often lead to problems with stress, ‘hurry sickness’, or even have fatal consequences.

Some of the characteristics of someone with Type A Behaviour are

• Competitiveness:  an overriding need to achieve;
• Hurry Sickness: an intense sense of time urgency;
• Hostility: inappropriate aggression if progress is impeded;
• Joyless striving: always on the go, with many projects at once;
• Inability to relax: difficulty turning off.

Though it may seem that Type A behaviour can mean that a lot is achieved, the down side is that if we constantly are go go go, eventually it takes a toll on our bodies.  

So what can you do if you feel you might be a candidate for Type A behaviour?

• Have a chat to your GP, or a mental health professional
• learn how to relax
• leave work such as reports, at work
• turn off your work mobile phone when you are on week-ends/holidaystry doing one thing at a time
• don’t make and constantly update to-do lists

For further information on ways to manage issues such as Type A behaviour call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.

Being Taken For Granted

The problem:  When we start to date someone special, our focus is on that person and building the relationship.  It can be one of the most joyous and happy times of our lives.  As time passes though, we can start to take our partners for granted assuming that they will always be around and doing the things that they have always done in the relationship.  This can be the start of a destructive pattern as one person may start to feel resentful that their contribution to the relationship is not being recognized or supported by the other person.

The solution:  Whether you have been with your partner for 6 weeks or 60 years, make sure you take the time to tell them you appreciate them, their efforts and that you really enjoy spending time with them.  Thank them for when they do something such as the washing or ironing and help out when you can.  You are likely to find that when you start thanking your partner for the ‘little things’ it won’t be long before you are also appreciated in return.

Communication Problems

The problem:  In the beginning, we listen with eagerness to everything the other person tells us, we laugh at every joke or anecdote and file away in our minds every experience or story that we learn about their life.  But after awhile, we start to ‘tune out’ a little as we hear repeated stories or comments.  This can affect the way that we communicate with our partners by not listening to what they are saying.  Poor communication causes frustration and friction in relationships.

The solution:  Switch off the television, radio, playstation, mobile telephone and sit in front of your partner so you are looking at each others faces so that you are not only hearing words but also reading the body language of the other person.  By giving your partner complete attention you can both communicate effectively in a short period of time without anyone having to repeat what they are saying because you are actively listening.  As a couple you should try to develop a time every day or every week where you sit down and talk about things that have been happening, how you are feeling, what has been troubling you and what is likely to happen in the next week (the kids are back at school, Tim needs to see the dentist) etc…

Intimacy

The problem:  At the start of the relationship, the two of you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and the chemistry sizzled.  Now with two small children, you barely have time to greet each other in the mornings or the energy to stay awake past their bedtime.  When intimacy is lacking, the relationship between the couple can often be strained as one partner may feel that the other partner is no longer providing them with the love and reassurance that they experience at the start.

The solution:  Intimacy is not just about sex – it is about being close to your partner and can include kisses, hugs, holding hands, giving massages, stroking backs, going for walks together and generally spending time together doing things you both enjoy but as a couple.  While our lives are often so busy and if you add in small children, you may not be able to find the time nor energy to relive those sexual marathons of your dating days.  But if you are sitting watching television together, holding hands and a few kisses here and there can provide the intimacy that a couple needs to remind themselves of why they are together.

Time Poor

The problem:  When you were younger and in love and didn’t have a mortgage and family, you could spend hours together browsing flea markets, going to the beach and dining out.  But now it seems that with both of you working, being parents and trying to keep up with friends and family members, as well as participating in the local football club and the school P&C – there is never any time for just the two of you.  When you are both stretched and involved with other activities, a couple can often feel the strain.

 

The solution:  Write down a list of all of your family commitments and the day/time that is taken up by the activity.  Try to cut out a few activities and replace them with activities for the whole family or for just the two of you.  When you book in activities in your diary, block out sections of time each week just for the two of you.  Perhaps instigate a ‘date night’ where the two of you head out to a restaurant together, see a movie or just have a lovely meal at home undisturbed by television, the radio or any other activity.  We often prioritise time demands made of us by outside sources when we should be prioritising time spent with our partners and our families.

Family Interference

The problem:  When we become a couple, we often feel that it is just the two of us but not far into the relationship, we discover that our families are part of it as well.  Family members can mean well but may actually end up interfering in the choices a couple make.  Unwanted advice, although given with the best intentions, can cause problems for a couple.  This can result in external pressure on the relationship and could generate a few arguments between the couple and/or the other family members.

The solution:  As a couple you need to have discussed and agreed upon your position and assert this to your family members.  You must present a united and strong front if you want to minimize the disruption to your lives now and in the future.  Just as parents need to define boundaries for their children, couples need to define boundaries with their extended family members on what is or isn’t appropriate behaviour.

 

If you are having relationship difficulties that you are finding a challenge to manage, please seek assistance early through a counselling service such as Relationships Australia that have professionally trained and experienced counsellors that can assist couples and families.  If you seek help early, you may be able to minimize disruption to your family and your relationship.  Call 1300 364 277 for more information or to book an appointment.

Couples often express difficulty in communicating. Communication is a key component in creating solid foundations for a healthy relationship.  Good communication consists of three essential skills

• Listening to what the other person is saying,
• Expressing how you feel and what you think, and
• Accepting the other person’s opinions and feelings even when they are different from your own.

Dr John Gottman has found through his research into couples, that there are four communication “spoilers” that couples can do when they disagree, he calls them the four horsemen. They are:

• Criticism: saying there is something wrong/defective with your partner eg: “What kind of person are you?”.
• Contempt: taking the moral high ground eg: “My family wouldn’t be so low as to do something like that, unlike your family”.
• Defensiveness: Protecting or justifying behaviour by retaliation eg: “Yeah, but what about what you did”.
• Stonewalling: shutting down, associated with high physiological arousal and efforts to self-soothe with negative self-talk such as, “Here we go again, does she ever stop”.

If these horsemen are present when couples talk, it did does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, but what it does mean is that each time couples engage in conversation, it makes it harder and harder to positively communicate and this may ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

So how can we better communicate with our partner without using the horsemen?  There are some things that we can do that not only help get our message across to our partner, but also build a healthy relationship where both can openly and assertively express themselves.

• Choose the right time and place, not when you are busy or tired.  Make a special time
• Don’t go off on a tangent, stick to the issue
• Think of the positives as well.  It is hard to be nasty if you are thinking of good things about your partner.  You will find you can still get your point across but the insults will not be present.
• Make your point and encourage your partner to be involved.
• Accept that your partner and you can never think or feel the same about issues. 
• And finally be aware of gender differences in communication and discuss these differences, if they exist with you and your partner
  • Often men offer solutions to problems and want to achieve results whereas women want to share feelings and discuss difficulties
  • Men’s talk is concerned with exhibiting knowledge, passing on information, preserving status and independence. The emphasis for women is on displaying similarity, establishing connections and creating intimacy.
  • Some people tend to think internally and express the finished product of their thoughts, whereas others tend to think aloud, sharing their inner dialogue.

At Relationships Australia, we offer couple counselling which can assist you and your partner in building, re-building and maintaining a healthy relationship. Call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia venue.

 

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

We can log on to the internet and meet new people every day and all we will know about them is what we see remotely on the screen – a photo, their internet username and how they choose to describe themselves.

We can strike up friendships and have computer-based conversations or telephone chats with people and never see them or speak to them in person.

The internet is an informal, anonymous place to meet people. People don’t know what you do or what you look like, aside from photos you may wish to post. You can change your gender, job, sexual preferences, age and culture. You are known only by what you write.

The risks of online relating

It can be exciting to explore internet opportunities, but there are risks involved. These risks are there when we choose to make a personal internet relationship. This might be moving from a public to a private chat room, starting to correspond by email, starting to communicate by telephone or arranging to meet.

The risks are highest when we move straight from the cyber-world into the real world, as we are basing our decision to meet the other person only on information we are told, not on something we can independently assess. When we meet someone in person we hear not only what they say, but notice their body language and non-verbal cues as well as their overall behaviour.

The internet can be a place of immense deception or great honesty, more honesty than some people would normally express in the real world; and this creates an interesting paradox. Existing healthily in the internet world involves knowing the difference, and being cautious at the right times.

If you choose to meet someone in person after meeting them on the internet, consider these tips:

 

1. Don’t go alone – have someone you trust with you and meet them in a public place.
2. Start the relationship anew. When people first meet and start new relationships they check each other out and then gradually reveal themselves, bit-by-bit bringing down their barriers and protection. When you meet an internet connection in person, treat it like a new beginning and make sure you have your barriers up, even if you think you know this person. They might not be who they say they are or who you expect them to be.
3. Be in control of what is happening. Don’t allow yourself to do anything that you don’t want to do and make sure you have ways to leave the situation safely.

For further information or to make an appointment to speak with one of our counsellors please call 1300 364 277.

The birth of a first child and the process of becoming parents is a major turning point for most relationships. Each person’s experience of becoming a parent is different. While for some it will be an easy transition, for others it may create some unexpected problems.

The birth of your first child will cause major changes to your lives. You can prepare for this change in several ways, such as:

• learning beforehand about childbirth and about being the parent of a young baby
• making practical arrangements for when your baby comes home
• making decisions about your work arrangements and finances after your baby is born

You may not have thought how becoming a parent will affect your relationship with your partner. Children affect their parents’ relationship. Couples often overlook this in the busy time preparing for their child’s birth, and in the excitement of becoming parents.

Couples face two particular challenges at this time:

• coping with the demands of pregnancy, childbirth and the early months of parenthood
• expanding their relationship to make room for their baby

Pregnancy

During pregnancy, both partners must adjust to the woman’s physical changes. Each person’s experience of pregnancy is affected by:

• the woman’s physical health
• how the woman feels about herself as her pregnancy develops
• how her partner reacts to her pregnancy
• how both partners cope with the changes in their emotional and sexual relationship.

The effect of pregnancy on a couple’s relationship can vary enormously.  It can draw couples closer and can highlight differences.

Men also have emotional needs during pregnancy. These may include a need to be able to express their concerns and to be reassured.  Pregnancy often puts new emotional demands on men – demands to show patience and tenderness, to mop up tears and to give gentle encouragement.  This can be difficult for some men.

Sexuality is often affected by pregnancy. For some couples pregnancy is a time of heightened sensuality, a time when love-making takes on a new intensity and a new importance.  Others find that during pregnancy their libido diminishes and that other ways of expressing intimacy and affection become more important.

Birth – and afterwards

Many fathers are present at their child’s birth.  Some choose to be present and others feel that they have to be present because it is expected of them. For some couples, sharing the experience of their child’s birth can be very special.

Some fathers, however, find the experience more upsetting than they had expected.  It can be difficult for men to find someone they can talk with honestly about the childbirth and the feelings it aroused.

After the excitement of the baby’s birth comes the task of settling down to parenthood. Parents’ experiences will vary.  For some couples the transition is easy; for others, it can be a difficult time – a time of tiredness and emotional stress, when couples become distant and withdrawn and sometimes resentful of their partner’s reaction to the new situation.

Many couples experience uncertainty, and sometimes difficulty, in their sexual relationship after the birth of a child. For some, it is a matter of picking up where they left off, but others find that the demands of parenting affect their sexual needs and their lovemaking for a long time. Honest and open communication is vital to avoid hurt and misunderstanding between couples.

Now we are three

The physical and practical aspects of becoming parents presents couples with many wonderful and exciting experiences to share as well as bringing new challenges to overcome. The most difficult challenge can be learning to make room in their relationship for the baby.

The arrival of the first child means that time and emotional energy will be taken from the couple’s relationship and put instead into parenting their child.  Most couples are happy to make this change and share the parenting responsibilities and fun.  Some partners, however, can feel left out, unappreciated or not as loved as before. This can distance the couple from each other. Good communication will help the the couple to love and enjoy their baby, and maintain their love and interest in each other

Differences of opinion are normal and can be enriching for a relationship. Some conflict in relationships is inevitable, but there are ways to handle conflict so that it is not destructive to you individually or as a couple.

People often get emotional and angry when they see their partner has different values, beliefs or expectations from them. We all need to understand and accept that between any two people there will be differences in ideas and expectations and, at times, conflict and strong expression of feelings.

Relationships usually become stronger if partners talk about these differences. Differences will be part of relationships, but they may be resolved through respectful communication.

All couples experience problems in one form or another – it’s part of sharing your life with another person. The difference between relationships that flourish and those that don’t is how well couples deal with the challenges and problems they face in their life together.

What does conflict in a relationship indicate?

Conflict, most commonly expressed as anger, can indicate that all is not well for a couple, that some change is needed to keep their relationship healthy.

If conflict has a purpose, then instead of asking “how can we avoid conflict?” we should ask, “how can we manage not to hurt each other or our relationship when we have a row?” and“how can we learn from the conflict?”

Avoiding conflict could mean avoiding important issues which would be better faced and sorted out.

Conflict is a symptom – treating the symptom by patching things up without finding out its cause is unwise in the long-term.

Anger

Anger is, for many people, a negative feeling and one that can be frightening because of its intensity and possible consequences.

There are four ways of responding when we feel angry:

• expressing our anger
• denying our anger
• acknowledging our anger
• acting on our anger.

Expressing anger

Anger can be expressed by attacking the person we are angry with, doing a lot of shouting and screaming and perhaps using physical force by hitting, pushing or punching the other person.  Other ways way of expressing anger include withdrawing or using controlling behaviours.

Expressing anger in these ways will often leave a wound in the relationship that is harder to heal than the original cause of the anger. It may make you feel justified temporarily, but can also leave you feeling guilty (because of the effects of your behaviour) even if you are convinced you were in the right.
Those who deal with their anger by expressing it without restraint often claim that their anger takes over, and that they can’t help their actions.

It may feel as if anger is beyond our control, but in reality everyone can learn to control their response to anger.

Denying anger

A second way of dealing with anger is to bottle it up and deny it. Some people become so good at denying their anger that they even fool themselves and become unaware that they are angry, even if it is obvious to those around them.
Bottling up anger and refusing to deal with it may solve a problem for a while, but it will create worse problems in the future. Facing up to conflict, whilst sometimes painful and confronting, can improve a relationship.
Ignoring anger means ignoring the warning signals that all is not right in the relationship. It also leaves the other person in the conflict feeling frustrated because they sense that something is wrong, but cannot get things out into the open and sort them out. 
Denying anger can gradually destroy a relationship. For example, it is difficult for a couple to be intimate and trusting with each other if they keep denying or ignoring the anger between them.

Acknowledging anger and acting on our anger

The most constructive way of handling anger is toresolve conflict as quickly and as constructively as possible.

A verbal attack on your partner when you are angry is unhelpful, as is trying to score points by pointing out past failures.

When conflict arises and you feel angry with your partner, the following steps may be useful:

• Admit that you are angry. Try using “I” statements such as, “I feel angry and let down that you are so late for dinner and didn’t call me” rather than “You make me angry because you’re always late.”
• Admitting your anger lets your partner know how you are feeling. It helps to get problems into the open so that both partners can do something about them.
• Ask for “time out”. This is essential if either you or your partner feels too angry to talk about the problem – “I’m too angry now; let’s talk about it later”.
  Ask for time out if you need it, but time out shouldn’t be used to avoid issues. It is important that you come back later and try to sort things out.
• Explore your feelings.There is nearly always another feeling underneath your anger like sadness, hurt, disappointment, or a sense of being let down or taken for granted. Let your partner know how you feel. The underlying feeling will usually be a clue to the real issue that you and your partner need to face up to and talk about. For example, you may say that you’re angry with your partner for spending so much time with his/her friends, but underneath you feel hurt and want him/her to spend more time with you.
• Listen to your partner’s point of view. There may be an angle on the situation that you haven’t considered.
• Be prepared to acknowledge your part in the problem.Saying sorry does not mean that you are accepting all the responsibility.
• Ask what can be learnt from the conflict. This will improve your relationship and lessen the chances of a similar conflict happening again.
• Be prepared to forgive and make up. Do this when you are ready, but it’s best not to make your partner wait as a punishment. A row between two people who love each other is like a short separation. Reunion after separation can lead to a deepening of closeness and intimacy in the relationship.

When your partner is angry

When your partner expresses anger with you:

• Listen to their complaint
• Show genuine interest
• Acknowledge your partner’s anger
• Take time out if necessary – look after yourself
• Be prepared to change what you do
• Apologise if appropriate.

Physical violence in relationships

Physical violence in intimate and family relationships is a serious criminal offence and is never acceptable as a response to conflict or provocation.

Once physical violence occurs in a relationship, it can easily become a pattern.  It often becomes more frequent, and usually becomes more serious the longer the relationship continues.  It can ultimately lead to serious injury, or even death.  Violence in an intimate or family relationship is a sign that the relationship is in crisis. It should be taken seriously and assistance should be sought. If you feel unsafe or in danger you can contact a domestic violence support service in your state or territory, or the police.

Warning signs of a relationship breakdown

Noticing early warning signs of relationship breakdown can help a couple resolve conflicts.  Some early warning signs are:

• abandonment of joint activities – just living parallel lives
• recurring arguments that are never resolved
• feelings of ongoing dissatisfaction and unhappiness
• preoccupation with interests and activities outside the relationship by one partner leading to the other partner feeling neglected
• complaints of loss of feeling – one or both partner/s speaking of no longer being in love
• an affair – becoming emotionally and/or sexually involved with a person outside the relationship
• increased fatigue and reduced ability to meet responsibilities at work
• arguments over parenting.

When is a good time to get professional help?

Professional guidance and extra skills can often assist.  If your relationship has some of the above warning signs, it may be time to seek help.  Counsellors can help you identify underlying problems and may be able to help you find ways to mend your relationship.  Family dispute resolution practitioners (family mediators) can work with you to define practical issues and identify present and future needs.

The sooner that you act on issues, the easier they may be to resolve.

It is beneficial for couples to learn new ways of relating, communicating and resolving conflict.

For more information or to make an appointment call 1300 364 277.

Second marriages or partnerships and stepfamilies present challenges and new opportunities for couples.

In second partnerships, couples are often more aware of the difficulties in establishing a successful relationship and are more committed to making the marriage work.

Both second marriages and stepfamilies have to overcome some difficult hurdles. These hurdles can present significant challenges to the couple in their relationship as partners and as parents.

Unfortunately, many second marriages and stepfamilies, despite their commitment to making things work, fail to get over these hurdles.

This page outlines some of the challenges and complications of re-partnering and step-families.

The decision to re-marry or re-partner

Before you re-marry or re-partner, you should consider the following questions:

• When?
• Why?
• To Whom?

Listen to any doubts. If necessary, wait a little longer.

When?

The simple answer is after you have fully come to terms with the end of your previous relationship.  This is particularly important if you did not want the first marriage to end, and had to deal with the pain of leaving or being left by your previous partner.  It takes longer than many people expect to get over the end of a long term relationship, even if you were unhappy and felt that the end was inevitable.

Some studies suggest many people take at least two years to adjust to the end of a long term relationship. There are many exceptions to this. Some people take longer, others adjust more rapidly. Ask yourself:

• Do I find myself thinking about my ex-partner and do these thoughts still arouse strong feelings such as anger and resentment?
• Have I adjusted to living alone again?
• Have I regained a sense of self-confidence?
• Can I look back on that relationship and recognise some of the things that contributed to its breakdown?

In other words, am I emotionally free to re-partner? Can I put all my emotional energy into this new relationship without allowing my feelings about my previous relationship to get in the way?

Just as you cannot re-marry until you are legally free to do so, being emotionally free to re-marry is also important.

Why?

Unfortunately this question is often overlooked. Are you thinking of re-marrying or re- partnering because you want to be with someone whom you love or do you want to re-marry or re-partner for the sake of being in a relationship, or to provide a two-parent home for your children?  Being alone is not easy after being married or in a long-term relationship, especially if you have children living with you.  However, moving too rapidly into a new relationship can create a new set of problems.

To whom?

Past experiences influence our choice of partners.  This is especially true of a second marriage.  Be realistic about what worked and what didn’t work in your first marriage when making a decision about a new partner.  Learn from that experience to clarify what sort of partner you want.

Being in love is not enough to make a relationship work especially once the initial excitement has worn off.

For more information or to make an appointment please call 1300 364 277.