Every relationship has its ups and downs, but mental health conditions can bring unique challenges for both partners.
Research shows almost a third of people in Australia will experience an anxiety disorder in their lifetime, so many people will find themselves supporting a partner with anxiety at some point.
Being with someone with a mental health condition means loving them in full and understanding that you may need to provide extra emotional support throughout the relationship.
It can feel helpless, overwhelming, and even frustrating at times. This is normal and doesn’t make you a bad person or mean you love them any less – but it could be a sign you need to pay more attention to your own mental health.
We explore how anxiety can affect relationships and how to look after yourself while supporting a partner with anxiety.
How does anxiety affect relationships?
Anxiety manifests differently in different people, and no two relationships are the same.
The impacts of anxiety on a relationship will look different for everyone, but these are just some examples of how anxiety might affect a relationship.
Codependency
Some people with anxiety can be codependent or ‘clingy’ with their partner. This is generally due to a fear of rejection or abandonment.
Codependency can also show up for people with anxiety who struggle with tasks like making phone calls, doing the groceries, or driving in busy traffic. They might rely on their partner to do these anxiety-inducing tasks for them, reducing their independence and confidence.
Insecurity
Anxiety and insecurity go hand in hand for many people, and this can require a lot of positive reassurance from a partner. The partner might feel like a broken record as they constantly remind their partner with anxiety that they love them and they’re not going to leave them.
The person with anxiety might struggle with self-esteem issues, jealousy, and suspicion their partner is interested in someone else.
At times, this can make it difficult for the partner to maintain friendships with people of the opposite sex (or same sex, if relevant).
Social isolation
People who struggle with anxiety may isolate themselves and avoid social situations. This can impact their partner’s social life too, as they may feel guilty attending events without them.
Chronic tension
Emotional instability is a common symptom of anxiety, and this can cause tension in relationships. The partner may not know how to respond in certain situations or may feel like they’re walking on eggshells.
Communication breakdown
Anxiety can cause serious problems with communication and connection in intimate relationships.
It’s common for people with anxiety to feel guilty or like a burden due to stigma around mental illness. Some people with anxiety may even fear they’ll appear self-absorbed or dramatic if they talk about their anxiety too much.
This can cause them to shut down or try to hide the extent of their struggles as to not risk being “less lovable” or “too much work” to their partner, creating distance.
How to look after yourself while supporting a partner with anxiety
The reality is people with an anxiety disorder may need more emotional support in a relationship. This doesn’t make them selfish, but it doesn’t mean your needs should take a backseat either.
Everyone has mental health, and it’s important to look after yours even if you don’t have a mental health condition.
Here are a few ways to protect your mental wellbeing while supporting a partner with anxiety.
Learn more about anxiety
Educating yourself on anxiety and its symptoms may help you be more understanding and empathetic of what your partner is going through.
Learning helpful techniques (e.g. listening and validating their feelings, offering plenty of empathy and reassurance) can help you feel more equipped to support your partner and less helpless and overwhelmed.
We explore some of the different types of anxiety disorders here.
Communicate your feelings and boundaries
We understand it can be tricky to raise your own feelings or stresses with an anxious partner. You may worry you’re just adding to their pile of anxieties, or that they’ll feel shame or guilt as a result.
It’s important to remember that you deserve support too, and honest and respectful communication is the best way to make sure your needs are being met – and to avoid resentment down the track.
Be clear on your feelings and proposed solutions before you approach your partner. Focus on “I” statements so they don’t feel judged or blamed, and try to find specific examples if you can.
For example:
- “I’m here for you, but I don’t feel like I can provide the level of support you need. Could therapy be a helpful option for you?”
- “I’m feeling overwhelmed by my own stuff this week (e.g. work, family). I want to be here for you, but I don’t have the capacity to really engage and listen the way I’d like to. Can we wait until the weekend?”
- “I understand it’s really hard for you at the moment, but I feel like it’s impacting my friendships. I’d like to put more energy into socialising. How can we make sure you’re comfortable with that?”
Remember, an anxiety-prone partner may perceive this conversation as a threat to the relationship.
Provide plenty of reassurance that you love them and you care about them, and you’re there to help find a solution.
Prepare yourself with our practical tips to have a difficult conversation.
Lean on your support network
Social support is one of the most important human needs. Having a strong support network can reduce stress and increase our resilience and overall quality of life.
Make an effort to maintain your relationships with friends and family, and don’t be afraid to reach out and open up when you’re having a tough time.
You might be surprised by how relieved you feel just by talking about your problems with someone you trust. Venting is healthy – it can help relieve pent-up feelings about a problem, and talking to someone outside of the situation can help you see different perspectives and solutions.
Just be sure to respect your partner’s privacy and don’t disclose specific information about their mental illness without their consent.
Seek help for yourself
Seeing someone you love suffer with mental illness can be painful.
Remember that it’s not your job to fix them, it’s your job to accept, support, and love them – but not to the detriment of your own mental health and happiness. You deserve support for your challenges too.
Speaking to a trusted loved one or a professional counsellor can be a great solution.
Our experienced counsellors can help you explore your concerns and find healthy ways to cope and communicate with your partner.
Call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services, including relationship counselling.
In a relationship, you have the power to influence your partner in a positive or negative way. Your words and behaviours can lift them up or bring them down. We offer tips to bring out the best in your partner.