An abuser uses power and control over another person to get what they want out of a relationship. The manner in which they treat the other person is not reliant on what that person does. It is a calculated and considered approach that maintains their power and control, regardless of what the other person does. Many abusers and even some people in the general public blame the victim for the abuse. That is, they believe, or try to make the victim believe that, somehow, the abuser’s behaviours are a consequence of something the victim has done.
Common thoughts are “If only I had that meal ready on time.” “I really shouldn’t nag him when he goes out and spends our entire weekly budget on beer, he deserves to let off steam.” And “It really makes him mad when I stand up for myself so I should just give in and not do it – it is easier that way.” These are victim blaming thoughts and they excuse the abuser from taking responsibility for their behaviour. It is a fact that abusers will choose to use power and control in a relationship regardless of the other person’s actions however, they will do everything they can to convince their victim this is not the case and the abuse is their fault.
Being subjected to the use of power and control to make you feel like a lesser person is never your fault.