If you suspect someone is being physically hurt in the here and now, call 000 immediately and report the abuse and location.

Most often, no one else is present when abuse occurs.  Sometimes, a victim may disclose abuse to you, or you may you suspect a friend or family member is being abused.  It both situations it is very important you stay calm, supportive, and non-judgemental.  It is also important that you speak to your friend in a non-threatening, understanding and honest manner.  If you can get them alone, do it then and, best of all, during a time you think they are most likely to respond well to the conversation (avoid the honeymoon period of the abovementioned cycle of abuse).  You may wish to start the conversation with something like “Jo, you seem so happy in your relationship sometimes but, other times, I have to be honest and say I get scared thinking about what may happen to you.  You are my friend and I want to support you as much as I can.  What is happening for you?”  It sounds very simple but do not ask a victim of domestic violence “what can I do for you?’, invariably the answer will be “nothing, I am fine” or something similar.  Instead, keep the conversation focussed on the fact they are not alone and what you can and are willing to do to help.

Keep in mind your feelings about what should happen will rarely match those of your friend.  While you think they should leave the relationship immediately, they may wish to stay.  While you may think it is a great solution to threaten the abuser with leaving unless they get help, this may, in fact, significantly decrease your friend’s safety and result in them getting even more harmed.  As a result, remember it is their decision as to if and when to leave, it is also their decision about what would be the best support.  It is your job to just be there for them, supporting them with whatever decision they make and not threatening to cease your friendship or support if they don’t leave.  Domestic violence is complicated, insidious and shattering to the victim’s self-esteem, be patient and remind yourself it is their journey, not yours.

On a practical level you may also wish to:

  • Give your friend the number of your local domestic violence service or DVConnect, a state-wide telephone service (1800 811 811) and support them to call at a safe time.  You and your friend may also decide to go to the Police to report the abuse or to the Court to apply for a DVO;
  • Offer specific help such as taking the kids for a day to ease the burden on your friend for a while and allow time to think;
  • Help them develop a safety plan which may include things like a code word for “call the police” if they call, arranging a safe place to go, packing / hiding important items such as passport etc. in an easily accessible place if they choose to flee (this may even be your house) and so on.

There is a wide range of things you can do for your friend, the need will depend on the individual and what you are willing (and able) to do to help.  The most important thing to remember is to remain non-judgemental, let them know what is happening is not right, that you support them whatever they decide and that you care for them.